2 weeks of sad, and my July Bujo Theme

Hi.

First of all, I am tired.

Second of all, there's nothing I can do about it.

Which then leads me to being super upset. I couldn't even push myself to do anything else but willow in self pity. I couldn't open my journal to write down my feelings. I didn't even start my Bujo July Theme until 15th July! Imagine!

So, here's what's that look like:

I forgot who's July Theme inspired me to do mine but it wasn't AmandaRachLee. hmmm..let me just *check my History on youtube* Ok, it was from annika's leaf.

It was simple and I thought I could use a change; from drawing/coloring myself to using craft papers.

which I happened to have a lot of. 

(these two are the only one I have at the moment)

After I finished that I thought I'd be happy or temporarily so but I wasn't. 

My heart was still heavy and my eyes burned. 

to simply put, I am not happy. Not at all. Yeah I laugh out loud but only becoz I can't be upset in front of people. 

No one cares. 

No one listens.

It's not their problem.

It's mine.

and I'm ashamed to admit but my brain, it went dark. it still is. 

I'm aware of it going dark. I remind myself to not be. but it continues. 

I know people's gonna say "You're overreacting" "You're being dramatic" "it's all in your head" and I'm telling you, I am aware. I'm aware that maybe I am overreacting. Maybe I am being dramatic. Yes, it's all in my head. 

but explain this:

I was listening to EXO -  Power, the supposedly uplifting song in Kpop and one of my favorite song as well but why the hell was I thinking about is jumping of a bridge?

tell me what was that all about?

I imagine a better future, I can see them but at the same time, I'm not going anywhere. I'm stuck here. in this body. in this shell of a body. and I am not happy.

I. am. not. happy.

I. am. not.

Tell me where I can find help.

. . .

sekadar moment

but still funny.

So, must share.

screencap this from facebook

I don't read all but I guess some of the comments must have laughed at Jonghyun excessive facial expression.

coz someone commented not to make fun of Jonghyun's expression.

I know I shouldn't frown at this ray of sunshine but I just have to.

Jonghyun was the only one yg oba facial nya.. Minho and Key looked worried but Taemin and Onew was like, selamba saja. aku ketawa pasal cTaemin and cOnew atu lah. hahaha
I'm sure that's the reason why this article was made, purely to entertain. aside from telling us that SHINee and interviewer were all ok despite the shook and shock.

another reason why I'm sharing this is because someone mentioned Onew and Uruk. Descendant of the Sun related. *mata berLove*

hahaha

this post title? 'Sekadar Moment' is actually pasal Descendant of the Sun related comment.

*ketawa sampai guling2*

. . .

Girl Power

Hello 
before we proceed with our main topic,
some other 'net' topics worth mentioning;

1. First of May most posted:

"It's gonna be May"

2. Fourth of May most posted:

"May the Fourth be with you"

it's 5th of May now and I know, 'ko terlambat roy~' ^o^

oh well < (^^,) >

So today's choice of topic is 
(wait for it) 
Meghan Trainor.

our power lady is well known for her All About That Bass single.
a song that talks about how it's ok if you have flabby skins on you. you shouldn't be sad about it. not all men love skinny bitches, stick figure barbie doll. and it's ok to tell him to 'move along' if your 'big' size is not his type.
in Brunei my size is kinda normal but the baju yg kena sale here are always Japanese-size small. even the one yg ckp 'free size' is actualy just meant 'free size for all the small-size body'.
for a girl who is not a 'size 2' like myself, this song is like a therapy.

her next song yg I'm attracted to is Lips Are Movin
I don't know what this song really means. Maybe it means she knows his a playa and she was cautious about everything that he said to her.
this song reminds me of a certain 'org gila' who broke my heart and make the skeptic that I am today towards sweet-talker guy.

next song: Dear Future Husband.
this song is like a letter to the future husband listing down things on what he should do, what he should know about the future wife, and how the things that she wants are pretty simple.
this song makes me realize that it's ok to demand things from your future husband. I think what caught into liking this song is that part when she sang 'I never learn to cook'  ^o^
hahaha 
if a guy is allowed to list down what his 'ideal' wife should be like, than a lady can do it too.

the last and final song about this power lady; NO



the songs talk about getting a man is not a priority and it's ok to say NO.
Know what you want, when you want it and when you don't.


Now, after elaborating the meaning of selected songs of Ms Trainor,
I'm going to talk about why this particular topic is made today.

a local radio DJ was introducing this song when it made to his Top20 chart one weekend.
He was introducing her song alright but towards the end, he was talking shit.
He said something about Trainor being an 'attention seeker' with her choice of words in her lyrics even from her previous top hit songs. 
So, I'm guessing, he's not too happy when Trainor:
1. dissing skinny people, 2. dissing a playa not being faithful, 3. demanding too much out of her future husband.
hmmm...
You know I over think on a lot of things and you bet I have something to say about this DJ.
He's probably the kind who is against women being in control, who know what they want, and not afraid to speak up their mind. 
Ok, maybe 'against' is a strong word but the way he said it during that time, he made it sound like what Trainor said in her song is wrong.
So, what? Trainor should be like the rest of the other female singer yg sang about being submissive towards men? is that it?
my goodness, what era is he in? 
if this is not what he meant then he's the one yg attention seeking on air. 
or maybe I'm just pissed at how very nonconstructive his criticism was. I just taught being a DJ, you're supposed to be neutral or something that even when you're about to judge people, you need to be constructive with your words. tsk
I used to love his show (coz it plays all the latest songs mostly) but becoz of his stupid comment, I don't even like it when I heard his voice doing an 'iklan'

damn!
I'm not even a fanatic of Meghan Trainor to be making such long post.
I just love her songs.

do your homework before you go to work, man! don't just sprout hateful things like that. seriously. 
there's a different between attention seeking and inspirational.

Meghan Trainor is inspirational.

and you, mister DJ, you're the kind of person she made the song about.

. . .

This is Me

I've been trying to post something positive or something kpop but it's kinda hard, especially when your real life (outside this virtual world) is soooo negative.

ლ(́◉◞౪◟◉‵ლ

I should mention that I am trying not to be so negative, not to be angry all the time and most importantly, trying not to lose myself.

It has been pointed out to me that I wasn't the same person as I was before. 

hmm...

Initially, I was shocked and upset finding that out coz it sounded like a bad thing coming out from the 'pointer's' mouth.
but being me, I over think it. 
Of course I'm not the same person as I was before!
I'm a living thing, I evolve!
Egg.

I guess the pointer only meant that I no longer follow their wishes.
Before, I used to just do what I was told coz I was afraid of being 'frown upon' which ended up me being bullied into doing other people's job too.
but now that I built up my own confidence, I questioned everything before I do what I was told to do.

It has also been pointed out to me that I've been watched and turned out, I have quite the temper.

Surprise.

They told me that I have an attitude problem. they even put that on my appraisal.

Lovely.

I wanted to be honest and say that I don't have an attitude problem but God knows I do, so, yeah, I have an attitude problem. 
the question is, why? Coz if they've been watching me, they should know that I don't just act up out of no where.

They asked me all the right questions plang but what really ticked me off is that they already know the answer but still want me to say it out loud.
Not that I have any problem on speaking my mind out loud, i just thought that it isn't fair that I'm being singled out and be the bad person alone.
Since they already know the real problem, why not address the 'problem' instead of trying to 'fix' my attitude because of that problem? 
I am channeling Ginny right now and will call this Problem, from today onward, Phlegm.

Seriously, when I'm not focusing on these silliness, I'm ok. my temper only raises when I think about it.
So, I'm gonna leave this here and hoping someone from the office will read this and do something about it.
Yes, issue dari office. 
hahahah
So much for being discreet.
my foot.

Anyway, they said they've been watching me kan? They should also see that temper-mental or not, I still do my job well. Not excellent but at least still exceed their expectation. 
but being the bias person that they are, I'm sure they didn't see that good side of me, only the bad one for them to use against me.

and to that I say,

☉▵☉凸

and have a nice life.

my ability to 'lead' was also brought into question. and all I can think about right now is Dumbledore.
Just because we don't hold higher position, that doesn't mean that we are not right.

I remember saying, "maybe they had forgotten what it was like down here" not exactly in that words but same meaning.

sigh.

I know it's time to go. It's not even worth it anymore.

Make do

that one time that I wanted to paint my nails a nude color

I tried all the nude color tester in FaceShop, Etude, Holika Holika and SkinFood.

But I couldn't decide which one I should buy first.

So, the next day, after much consideration, I got home and decided to just paint my nails chocolate instead.

hahaha. 

kira, kalah-kalahan lah ni aku ah. Can not decide which one to buy, just use the one yg I already have. in my head, i was thinking, nude color is like skin color and skin color is a shade of brown and chocolate is a shade of brown. You see the connection now? 

just laugh when you still cannot see it.

a/n: I realised that my nails/fingers are ugly. they are so dry and lack nutrition. Just don't look too long at the pictures. :P

. . .

D12: Fave Movie

my current fave movie. 

I've always been a Cinderella fanatic and my ultimate fav has to be Ever After. 

but that one is a bit tough to draw and I don't have the energy to do tough doodling right now. So i settled with this one saja ≧◡≦

D13: Fave Book

once again, this is my current fav.

While I was figuring out about my fav book, I realized, I don't have ONE fav book. I have A LOT fav books! I know it's hard to believe but I'm a book lover. asking me which one is my ultimate fav is like trying to pick one fav star in the sky; i tat bit hard.

D14: Hobby

at first I wanted to write/draw me writing and reading. which they are (still) my hobbies.

but ever since the moving, all my spare time was spent on sleeping. Even when I was thinking of picking up a book to read (to check off my reading list), I ended up curled up on my bed to sleep. hahaha so, yeah, my hobby now is sleep.

"For in dreams we enter a world that is entirely our own," - Albus Dumbledore

I have a lot more to catch up on for the August Challenge. I was hoping I could catch up very soon.

. . .

a/n: it scares me just how many months have passed and we now fast approaching September. (⊙︿⊙✿)

. . 

Comments

 

People are complaining about Key not having so many lines in SHINee songs
but people forgot about Minho.

Minho been given lesser than Key, I think. Coz Minho mostly just rap while Key both rap AND sing in one song. So, Locket should complaint less.

anyway, ever since their Japanese debut, I feel like everybody in SHINee were given lines equally. Let's not argue about Onew and Jonghyun having more lines now coz lets face it, they are the main vocals of the group.

A/N: I love Key's voice though. don't get me wrong. HECK I LOVE SHINee AS A WHOLE! SO SHUT IT! 

. . .

December

So, 
hello.

and welcome.

hahaha

nada bah idea ku kan mempost ah.

macam

*waves* HIIII

OK, 

atu saja.

hahaha as if.

let's do a recap of what has happened since the last time i post.

. . .

it's SHINee Flaming Charisma's Birthday today.

#24yearswithChoiMinho 
the above hashtag is a big no no. some reasons being:


1. I've only known this boy like, two years now? not for the past 24 years. Come on people. be real. 
2. in the 'real' calender, he's actually 23.
3. 'with' is a strong word. he doesn't know that I exist. he can't be experiencing shit 'with' me. 
4. I'm a huge SHINee fan, please don't get me wrong. I'm just pissed at someone else and looks like Minho is an easy target today. (LOL!)

ok. No cake for you.

. . .

Been trying to finish this Cinderella Girl by Carin Gerhardsen. it's like me watching CSI, Criminal Minds, NCIS, and Law & Order all at the same time. Creep, horrid and not peaceful. Sigh. I may not be able to finish it at all. I should consider reading the other books first. 

 why did I buy this book in the first place?

a/n: turns out all the other books by this author are creepy-thriller-murder-case-ish type kinda books. -.-

. . .

Bought SHINee mechandise. again. and *nangis* tapi Happy at the same time. LOL happy tears lah ah ..

. . .

BBB annual dinner announcement came out today and I REALLY want to come as Anna from Frozen next year. 

let me count money first.

. . .

41 days to go till our Singapore trip.

. . .

I don't do well with recap. hahaha i should just put down 'what I want to update you with' instead.

. . .

SHINee World III CD will be out 12th Dec. I already placed my order with Yeszone. I even told them to 'inbox' me once the DVD version is ready for pre-order. xD

. . .

I think thats all for now. 
See you in the next post.
ciao~

. . .

Emotions

Emotions run high today. or rather, kemarin.

It was the final day before the half-yearly bank closing etc plus we were all anxious about finishing our workload in fear that on Saturday would be the public holiday for Ramadhan.

Rude words were exchanged. Snide remarks shouted everywhere. Particularly from this woman from another unit. I admit that it was partly because of me being 'serious' to her. and when I was raising my voice to my juniors, 'the' woman screamed back to me. Well, she had her back at me but I knew it was meant for me. Macam, dude! Terasa plang di sana atu!
Panas lah hati ku. Malu pasal, luan jua inda betauliahnya bekeraja ani? I know tani satu department, tapi meneriaki cematu atu (walau cemana stress pun kau) kurang ajar bah tu. Besyukur ku kalau ku marah, aku prefer diam2 walaupun hati ku rasa kan teriak2. Satu, ko memalukn urg. Dua, ko memalukn diri sendiri.

Tapi lapas tu we were ok coz I asked her why she screamed so loud when I was raising my voice to my juniors. She said she couldn't remember why she screamed. I think, we both became adult there; eventhough kami tau what happened tapi we decided to let it go.

and then, I realised, in that place, we are all Dobby.

Yes, Dobby the HouseElf from Harry Potter series.
Why?
Because, We are slaved to the management. We hated them for being too cruel and even so we still love  our job (and that overcome the shitty environment). At certain point we also defended them because they are our 'master'.
Macam Dobby kn? Slaved, mastered but we love our job. (I mean, I love my job and my routine. I just hate the environment)
of course, we are not bound for life at BBB.
I could just walk away but I have commitments to take care of. bukan urg kaya kn sanang2 beranti bila 'had enough'.
If only...

Anyway, I just thought of a phrase; memang bulih meminta maaf and memaafkan. tapi hati kalau sudah tersinggung, sampai mati pun masih ingat. 
bak kata pepatah ong puteh, 'Forgive but Never Forget!'.

Yatah, kadang2, baik diam2. Kalau marah, jan luan ikut emosi and cakap suka2 hati or teriak suka2 hati. take a deep breath and think for a moment. Ingat, klu tani memalukan urg, bukn maruah urg sja gugur, meruah tani pun ikut gugur. Why? dah tani inda lagi terhormat kn urg, cemana urg kan hormat tani? Kan?

Ani untuk muhasabah diri ku jua. Kan aku ani pun pemental jua. tapi tujuh taun ku keraja, inda ku pernah meneriaki urg cematu. Sungguh kurang ajaran! Inda betauliah! Awu! sakit ati ku masih mengenangkannya. I know aku patut bersih kan hati pasal inda lagi batah Ramadhan tiba tapi..eh. adang tah. ada yg inda beraya karang taun ani. Hahaha ganas..

eh..baik tah..

. . .

4 things I hate

(the ones yg i can think of right now)

1. EMPTY DEBATES (I've hated this for ages!).
it's when people starts debating about something they don't know about. or when they only have very small knowledge about. or when their knowledge of the said matter matter is only from back in dinosaur era. 
I am not that smart nor am I that knowledgeable about all matters but at least I won't fight/debate empty.

2. touching/holding Gadgets during meal time/outing.
I hate it. masa ani tah tani kan share those knowledge about life so you wont have to debate empty, share opinions that matters, or just to really listen to our beloved. believe me, you wont die when you just put your phone away. 

3. Barang damit, jadi basar.
I mean, come on. something so patty and you make it that big of a deal? how patty are you? sadang sadang dude!

4. Becali inda betempat.
I understand jokes and I admire people with the sense of humor. BUT mun time serious pun kn beibun, baik tah. Know your time and place.


A/N: I know. two personal post in such a short time? it must be that time of the month. LOL
or maybe human being just pissed me off easy.

. . .

WHAT. THE. WHAT.

I mean, WHAT. THE. WHAT.

take a look at this!!

do you wana know what it means?

I'll tell ya what it means.

It means *JO.SE. TIN. BI. BO. REL. CHO. HA. HAE* in another word (I don't know what it means exactly but, roughly it means) *Justin Bieber. Like* (Ok fine! I googled it and it means *I Like Justin Bieber*)

just what. the. fuck. is (whomsoever yg meng-edit!) think (whomsoever yg meng-edit) doing?! THAT'S NOT EVEN HANJA IS IT?

but hey, I was just being silly. and trying to show off yg I can actually read Hangul. :P LOL (key point: read but not quite understand)

ah well. they probably thought it'd be a laugh.

and it made me laugh.

Ha ha ha ha.

just!

WHAT. THE. WHAT.


. . .

Hellew

heard this last few weeks (or maybe even last month)

"You ruined me and I settle for less" - unknown (coz I'm not sure if it's from a movie or a song I first heard it from)

and I thought, and nodded, "banar tu".

Skali, while I was 'menjamur' laundry tadi, it came to me. 

No, that's not 'banar'. Not in my case any way.

My heart was trampled on so bad that I have lost trust in men completely. that's not settling for less, is it?

The one that approaches me after that reminded me so much of him (that they would trampled on my heart too). that's not settling for less. 

I know I have crushes (YES plural) but that's just it. crushes (from a far).
I may have dreamt about them being this so called Prince Charming that every girl wishes to have but again, it's just a dream.

I may have settled for him(1) if ever he's going to notice me.

or

him(2) if he doesn't have a girlfriend already.

My life is full of 'might have' right now. I would approach either men but then what would become of my dignity/pride/ego?

sigh. odd possibilities.

ok, what's this post becoming into? ahahaha

ah, well.. point is, I don't settle for less. and that Quote is not for me.

coz, if it is, I would be dating some lowly, scumbags, who I have to take care of by now. when in reality, I need someone to take care of me for once. coz I think I'm getting tired of taking care of everybody else but me. seriously.


. . .

Something So Random Part 3 (Final)

this last one is so horrible that I almost deleted it.
But since I promise you'll be posting two more of this random shiz, tada! here it is.
these questions was from Ms. dubumints herself.
I wonder if this was pure fun or she made up for a living or something.
it's so gooey.
Like, wth gurl?!

but it's for the fun of things. I'll answer it for that sake alone.

Enjoy. (or cringe)
[the one bold/large is my answer. the one in italic is ms. dubumints A/N]

. . . . . . .

1.  Your bias is super thirsty, what would you make him drink to quench his thirst:

a. shampoo (at least it wont kill him. i think)

b. boiling water

c. poison.

2. Your bias is getting tortured! What scene is before you?

a. your bias getting his nails and teeth (without anesthesia!) pulled out.

b. your bias' bones being broken one by one.

c. your bias being skinned alive (at least you can 'jait' them together again. I hope.)

3. Would you rather:

a. stop your bias from being an idol (or anything in the entertainment field)

or

b. send your bias to military training forever

4. if you could be a thing that's used by your bias, what would you be?

a. his deodorant

b. his socks (Onew wears socks all the time so..it's good to know he'll be wearing me often LOL. gawd I hate socks!)

c. his cotton buds

5. You and your bias are starring in a film! What would the film be?

a. Human Centipede

b. Red Room

c. House of Wax

Were the questions too much? Okay, let me lighten it up a little.

6. Your bias finally tells you he's in love! So whom is his heart beating for?

a. your bestfriend

b. your sister

c. your number one enemy (so i don't have to kill those who are dear to me Hashtag ifthesituationcallsforkillingthatis)

7. You were given a chance to control your bias' fate. What would you give him:

a. non-stop sasaeng fans (at least they'll still be topping the charts and have a non crappy company that can take care of its artists)

b. songs that will never place in any music charts

c. a very crappy company that can't take care of its artists.

8. Your bias is stuck in a desolate island. What would you give him to help him survive?

a. earphones

b. cottons

c. comb (0_o)

9. What would you prefer?

a. ALL your favorite Kpop groups doing a concert JUST for you, but you can never HEAR a thing.

b. Your bias hugging you forever but you can't FEEL a thing.

c. Your bias group by your side (as in your house, your bed, etc.), but you can't SEE them.

10. What eccentric attitude would your bias have?

a. He's/She is a racist. (He can't be much worst than I am Hashtag LOLingForever)

b. He/She is a klepto.

c. He/She is cruel to animals.

LAST QUESTION! Before you guys go off to murder me for giving you such horrible questions and choices, let me save myself now! XD

11. Your bias finally tells you he/she loves you. What would be your response:

a. I'm sorry, I'm married and I have three beautiful children. (Coz let's face it. nothing is EVER gona happen between us)

b. I'm in love too...with your bandmate, that is.

c. I don't feel the same way; and I never will.

HA! I spent thirty minutes thinking of heart-squelching questions. ROFL.

Don't get mad! I made it really easy! I mean, it's multiple choice! You don't even need to explain anything! Pfft. Keke

. . . . . . .

I decided to just give a lil of my thoughts of why I chose my answer. 

Now, I'm wondering whether she is right in the head. she got that 'why so serious' thing going on with these questions.

it was nice though, me feeling like I killed Onew in the process of answering these questions. every other people's questions must be about how much you love your idol, this and that. this is definitely refreshing. 

you wana give it a try?

. . .