2 weeks of sad, and my July Bujo Theme

Hi.

First of all, I am tired.

Second of all, there's nothing I can do about it.

Which then leads me to being super upset. I couldn't even push myself to do anything else but willow in self pity. I couldn't open my journal to write down my feelings. I didn't even start my Bujo July Theme until 15th July! Imagine!

So, here's what's that look like:

I forgot who's July Theme inspired me to do mine but it wasn't AmandaRachLee. hmmm..let me just *check my History on youtube* Ok, it was from annika's leaf.

It was simple and I thought I could use a change; from drawing/coloring myself to using craft papers.

which I happened to have a lot of. 

(these two are the only one I have at the moment)

After I finished that I thought I'd be happy or temporarily so but I wasn't. 

My heart was still heavy and my eyes burned. 

to simply put, I am not happy. Not at all. Yeah I laugh out loud but only becoz I can't be upset in front of people. 

No one cares. 

No one listens.

It's not their problem.

It's mine.

and I'm ashamed to admit but my brain, it went dark. it still is. 

I'm aware of it going dark. I remind myself to not be. but it continues. 

I know people's gonna say "You're overreacting" "You're being dramatic" "it's all in your head" and I'm telling you, I am aware. I'm aware that maybe I am overreacting. Maybe I am being dramatic. Yes, it's all in my head. 

but explain this:

I was listening to EXO -  Power, the supposedly uplifting song in Kpop and one of my favorite song as well but why the hell was I thinking about is jumping of a bridge?

tell me what was that all about?

I imagine a better future, I can see them but at the same time, I'm not going anywhere. I'm stuck here. in this body. in this shell of a body. and I am not happy.

I. am. not. happy.

I. am. not.

Tell me where I can find help.

. . .

Not my plan tonight

I wasn't planning on crying tonight

but

I did.

all thanks to this.



I opened my youtube tab and somehow this video was the first I clicked on (must be that 'recommended for you' thingy, coz Kirstin from Pentatonix was in it).

I wasn't so keen about the Tangled's song. I like that song, don't get me wrong but what really got me was the song from Tarzan (You'll Be In My Heart sang Phil Collins) and Hercules (Go The Distance sang by Michael Bolton).
I LOVE these two songs. It's very near to my heart. *make hearts shape with hands, macam kpop artists often did xD)
I rarely hear people covered these songs. in fact, this is the very first time I hear it. Like, *a million thumbs up*

the background singers give you chill~~ *goosebump*

I've always love Choir, I was in a choir group once. I wasn't picked, I volunteered myself (coz, my voice not really pretty, you see). hahaha

Here's one comment from the video I bothered to capture




ahahaha sekali nya ingat cemana kn make edit using paint. LOL

anyhoo, I was supposed to be asleep like two hours ago. 

ah well, what is sleep?

. . .

Hello, Hello

Honestly, the reason behind my lack of posting is because every time I feel like posting, 
it was always about me complaining about ..stuff.
So, in the end, I decided to not post anything.

Let's face it, no one really cares.
I noticed, in many different occasions, that people don't really have an interest when I tried to 'meluahkan perasaan'. I guess they just have their own problem to worry about.
So, I try not to take it into heart sometimes.
I guess, I'm right again. 
Writing things down in my diary is far more satisfying!

muahahah! 

anyways,
that is all for today.
I will try and post something not-kpop tomorrow, or later after midnight.

I sincerely hope that your days had been far better off than mine.

a/n: at my age, I finally understand what they meant when they say, "Quality in friends versus Quantity".

. . .

Parental Guidance

I was supposed to post a topic on 'Guy Friend' tonight
but I was watching Parental Guidance, starring Billy Crystal (Or you might recognize his voice as Mike Wazowski from Monster Inc)
So, I got side track and decided to share my thoughts on this movie's moral instead.

This movie has been in my external hard disk for so long. 
I was bored and didn't know what else to watch tonight (coz I usually just watch other movies yg I already watched; Easy A, Mulan, Salt, etc). So, as i was scrolling thru the movies I had, I came across Parental Guidance and I double clicked it.

and I just finished crying.

Here's a synopsis taken from iMDb website;

Artie and Diane agree to look after their three grandkids when their type-A helicopter parents need to leave town for work. Problems arise when the kids' 21st-century behavior collides with Artie and Diane's old-school methods.

I think I cried because how Alice, Artie's daughter, think of her father reminds me of how I think of my mother. and the things Artie said, when they had their 'talk' makes me think that is how my mother must have felt.

I've never been close with my mother like other people do. Our relationship is strictly on mother and daughter basis; She's the superior and I am the kuli. I used to think that she raised me wrong but for so long now, I think she did what she was able. The terms 'I learned things on my own' is a lie. I don't learn things on my own, I had other people guiding me. I guess what makes me think that I was on my own was because they were not taught by my mother. All I can remember right now is how often I was being scolded by other parents for my 'unruly' behavior. 
I'm not saying my mom was a bad parent. 
She at least taught me how to be independent.

All I'm putting out tonight is that, we shouldn't be too hard on ourselves just because we were brought up that way. From what I've learned so far (coz believe me, I'm forever learning), you have a choice. You can choose to not be how your parents were. 
I heard sometimes ago that you can't break away from what you've been 'taught' growing up; meaning you are your parents child, and the way they brought you up is the only guidance you had on how you supposed to grow up to be. but that theory is stand to be corrected.
Because I've seen it. I've seen people with such horrible up bringing becoming so successful in life. I'm not talking about them getting better income or better lifestyle though that is the perks but I'm talking about successful for not being in such horrible situations anymore.
That is why I strongly believe you can break away from it.

I know old habits are hard to break.
My mom and I (with my other siblings too) are trying to 'reconcile' our 'relationship' since a few years back; coz we hardly ever talked with our mother like how you talked with your mother, 
but it's hard especially for me. 
The good thing is, we are still trying and willing to continue to try and be civil (coz one way or another, thing always ended up into a 'fight'). 
I think that is the most important thing; Try.
Coz you don't know until you try, right?

. . .

disclaimer: I'm not saying me and my mother don't talk to each other. I'm saying we're just not as close as how other Mother and Daughter relationships that I've seen. Ok? OK.

. . .

Merchandise

I asked myself, "macam, mikin tua mikin menjadi2 tah plang?"

SHINee World 3 audio cd, SHINee Calender, SHINee sticker and f(x) Luna amblem.

ahahaha

but I guess, I am allowed. or I allowed myself to. because when I was younger, obsessing over Westlife, I hardly can afford any Westlife merchandises. So, now, having earn my own money, I'm spending money on my SHINee. LOL

this post is not good for kids/high-schooler. don't read too much here guys! Don't waste money like I do!

but I mostly buy stationery sets, so I've been using most of them. Coz, bila jua lagi ku kan makai kn. Sayang jua di bali tapi inda di pakai. atu baru membazir. hahaha 
FLASHBACK
I once bought a Me to You pencil case and bag during Upper Six and only used them once. After i found a stain, I didn't wear them again. a couple of years later, when I was cleaning my room, I found them wrapped up clean in a plastic bag but seeing as I was a working person by then, I know I couldn't possible use them anymore. So, I gave to my little cousin instead. 
END OF FLASHBACK
Point of the story is make good use of all the things that you bought. at least you won't feel any regret when it's time to let go coz you already used them well. or something like that. OR in my case, I won't be too old to finally use my 'younger' things. you know?

Anyhoo,
these are just half of the items I bought. some more is coming. *laugh like crazy*
No.
actually it's not very funny. 
I mostly bought stationery sets (the other half that hasn't arrive) with the expectation that I'll be needing them for when I attend school this year. Even bought Luna and Onew emblem so I could attach them on my school back.
but seeing as that won't be possible unless I obtain another A lvl, I guess I'll just have to make use of them at the office. 
hahaha well, maybe NOT in the office. I could try and attach those emblems on my new purse. I don't know. We'll figure it out somehow. I won't let them go to waste.

oh well, what's done is done~

. . .