Updates!!

Hi guys,

Yes, I have been gone! 
I don't know if I am back coz I said that last time and I went back to being gone.
So.. 🤷

Life updates!
Obviously I'm still very active in real life (or I wouldn't be doing this post now 😜)



First update!
I turned 32 on 10th Sep. 

and I got myself a new car. 

"Wahhh so fancy~" I can already here you guys.
No. 
One, it's a loan. Two, I have a project for buying a new car (i'll update on this nanti 😉). and
Three, buying a new car is actually a long-time-coming thing. I wanted to 'buy' one back in July 2019 but becoz purchasing a car is a long time commitment (in Brunei, as far as I know, it's a loan for 7 years), I have to give a thorough consideration; will I be able to commit myself to it? how will my budget be once I have it? is it sustainable? that kind of considerations.
Some smart-ass will be thinking, "tapi ko single, apa yang kan ko ingau kn?" (but you're single, what are you worrying for?) Well, to that, I say, SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!



which bring us to the next update; my thoughts on being Single and Worry-less.

For a long time, I've been hearing this "You're still single, no commitment" or "wait until you have family, lagi banyak kan dipikirkan" or "eh single, tapi stress"
💆
Ya Allah, give me the patience to remain classy in responding to this ricecooker!

For the longest time as well, I succumbed to feeling that yes, they were right. I'm single. I shouldn't be like this or I shouldn't feel like this. I should be carefree.
until..I come to my senses and brace!
Every one of us, every EACH of us live differently. I have the rights to worry just as much as the next person!
Sapa cakap aku single aku inda buleh stress?! who said that? who set that standard?!
My stress, my worry, or even my my-head-is-so-full-i-can't-brain-anymore, has nothing to do with me being single.
I don't understand how other people associate stress/worry/deep-thoughts with marital status.
THE FUCK WITH THAT SHIT!
Yes, aku single. but do you know, and I am speaking from my own experience here, that I have more commitment and responsibilities than that of a married couple?

Here's a chart to explain:

Ok, right. this chart only talk about MONEY and we all know money is not everything (everything else needs money tho 🤔)
BUT
trust me, when you don't have much, it becomes a struggle. AND I'm not saying I don't have enough. I have enough, ya Allah, alhamdulillah. 
BUT again.
My stress was never solely becoz how much money I don't have.
hmm how can I explain this better?
I'm not by any means "struggling" but imagine, you just have enough to get by and add that up with your environment; at home, at work, or even school! add those stress up, just try and add them up, and tell me ko inda stress? 😕
Sedangkan, from where I sit, listening to your worry about money WHEN I KNOW you have so much more than me, just add work-load, sudah tah ko jadi a banshee.
So, please, imagine, aku single ani, managing home and personal finance on my own, dengan workplace yg very testing, ko rasa, aku will remain, stress-free? I don't have the emotional range of a teaspoon like Ron.

WHO SET THE STANDARD THAT EMOTIONS ARE ASSOCIATED TO YOUR MARITAL STATUS?!

On the contrary, pasal aku single ani tah membuatkan aku kana bagi so much responsibilities. becoz people thought I have NO commitment and they forgotten they have already given me so much before they add up a new one. like, hello? I'm drowning here.

Someone just said to me, "in other words, your the breadwinner" and only then I realized, "yeah, I am the breadwinner" becoz, portions of my money goes to the house and other expenses while other people's money goes to themselves. Like, damn.

Anyway, whatever, sis redha. sis moving on now.

Onward! to the final updates for this post; Depression.

We (when I said we, I meant the kpop world) were shocked once again with the news of dead by suicide.
Sulli, ex-member of f(x), artist under SM, died on 14th Oct by suicide and it was strongly due to the non-stop malicious comment towards her. 
For once, I was numb. becoz she was my least fav in f(x) and I had one post being so mean about her, and I was very upset with that but I can't erase what I have done and for that action, I am sorry, Sulli.
Even though I mentioned in this blog many times before that we will never know what's really going on within that company and what's really going on among themselves, I should have kept my frustration to myself or in my personal diary where only my eyes can see. I should have kept that comment offline. I am truly and deeply sorry, Sulli. my opinions are not your responsibility.
You don't deserve the hate. 
Yes, I only posted one heat post on her but that could be the one heat comment that triggers her. 
I feel responsible.

Currently, in the kpop world, they are petitioning the Sulli Act, an act to punish malicious comment towards celebrities, which they are tying to push for their something election in December 2019. I pray the bill will pass.
People were quick to mention our Jonghyun during this sad times but I am fine. 
After a few minutes updating myself with the news, I decided for myself that, it was better for me to not read so much into it anymore becoz, reading blames upon blames towards SM, towards her EX, towards the anti, won't bring her back. Damage is done. Only thing to do now, is to be a better person from now onward.

Depression is still a taboo topic in this part of the world. 
I have my fair share on that. which I decide from now onward, to never disclose to anyone anymore.
Nobody really care.

So, what do we learn from this post?

1. turning 32 doesn't stop you from starting over with your life.
2. Single people has worries. You, non-single, family person, have worries but at least you have your spouse to share them with. And if you FREAKIN rich heir, you don't have the rights WHATSOEVER to tell me I can't worry about shit. Go sit down, Gemma.
3. Mean comments are mean no matter how well you can justify it. I'm gonna try and not do that anymore. 
4. it's not hard to be kind.
5. I am a strong person.
6. Japan trip 2020 will be my motivation to stay sane. ...LOL!

Ok,

bye.

. . . 

My Make-Up Journey

Hi guys,

it's time!

My make-up journey.

where do we start?

What I know of make-up base on the preference of my elder sister and cousins when I was younger was compact powders and good lipsticks. I grew up a tomboy? I think? meaning, I am less girlie compared to my sister and putting on make-up was not a thing for me.

I grew a little older and I started playing with compact powder and lipsticks too but that was it. I don't remember at what age but compact powder and lipstick was what everybody seems to be doing back then and I 'terjebak' also when I rajin. LOL yes, When aku rajin saja.

Obviously, as I grew more older, I began to take make-up seriously. I found out that my make-up and skin care interest started at about the same time. See here and maybe here. I was searching for so many things for this post hence the procrastination. 😂😂

I think what pushed me into doing proper make-up is the make-up brushes I bought from Storybook Cosmetics. I bought the ones for eye make-up and the ones for face (for foundation, blushes, etc).
When I purchased them, I really had no idea what I was supposed to do with them! but I learned via Google and Youtube. and as my "skill" progresses, so does my need to buy more make-up related things. I bought 4 more brushes; two from the Face Shop, and two from Sigmas. 💸💸

Base make-up a.k.a. foundation.
Mine went from compact powder to actual liquid foundation.
For the longest time, I remembered always wearing the same compact powder from Garnier. and I mean THE same ONE powder, not same powder purchased multiple times (I know 💆 don't judge me).

I also had a phase where I tried a lot of BBcream from The Face Shop before finally settling with liquid foundation. Laik, what even is going on! 😂

Nowadays, I've been playing a lot with Maybelline Fit Me Foundation and LA Girl ProCoverage illuminating Foundation.

Eye Make-up. 
I started 'berjinak-jinak' with eye shadows after watching so many IG clips and Youtube. 
First one I bought was from The Face Shop; Mike Wazowski's mono pop eyes. then I moved on to Too Faced's Sweet Peach, and currently, I'm playing with Australis's Neutralize.
I only have 3 palette and 3 singles ones. the singles I bought back when I only have Mike's and Peach's.

Eye Brows. this one pretty epic. LOL
The first one I bought was from NYX and it was in Grey. and damn! my eyebrows looked crazy when wearing it. After that, I learned to buy more lighter color a.k.a brownish coz they look prettier than black/grey on me.

Mascara. this is pretty basic.
My first one was from Maybelline. the cap was pink. Then I found out about the Barbie one which I was obsess with! From Tati, I learned about another Maybelline mascara. red cap. and From Jeffree Star I learned about Benefit's Roller Lash mascara.

Eye Liner. hmm
I never really like wearing eye-liner coz in the beginning I was critisized heavily on it and it someone scarred me and I never reached for it again. My first one was, you guessed it, from The Face Shop. FACE it All About Simple Liner. I did purchase other pencil liner but as I said, I seldom reach for those. recently, i bought new liquid liner, Maybelline's Hypersharp Liner. this one actually thanks to Brunei MUA. I forgot her name but I saw her post on IG.

Blusher!
I love blusher! especially after I understand how to wear them. My first one was from The Face Shop (pretend to be shocked). this one is liquidy, kinda like the bbcream texture. I bought a powdery one from The Balm, and second one from Too Cool For School.

LOVE! 💖💖

Primer.
People said, Primer shouldn't give you break outs but NYX one did. To me, at least. They worked amazing, yes, but I often ended up with this tiny and many raise white heads after using them. I also tried the Australis Ice Princess Primer. this one actually was great but the color was too light. So, sometimes I don't even bother wearing primer. But after my Seoul Trip, I can't go wearing make-up without putting on my new primer I bought from Banila Co. there is also this new one I bought time puasa and only pakai last Sunday. it's a spray typed. I was happy with the 'outcome', it stayed more 12hrs and I'm gonna try use it again this coming weekend, see if I will get the same result.

Setting Spray and Powder.
First time I used a setting spray was when I put on my own make-up for an annual dinner. NYX's Matte Finish. then I came across Australis's Finizhing Spritz and been using this most of the time. until recently, I finally give the LA Girl Por.Powder that I bought last year, a chance. I kinda like the outcome more, i think. I don't know. It's hard to tell which one perform better coz Brunei is a tropical country, meaning, make-up stays or melt depending on the weather. and most of the time when I put on make-up, I don't put the weather into consideration, so, yeah. Not a make-up expert here.

Lipstick!
finally. we are almost finish with this list.
I used to pretend that my Bodyshop lipbalm pot is a lipstick. I also remember a time when I was obsess with 'light' shades lipstick. Then I was in a phase where I was obsessing over dark shades. and now, I like to just put a little on my lips and smudging it with my finger to make it seems 'natural' color of my lips. 😏
you understand why I don't have pictures; I have too many. and do note, this is the only make-up that I reach for often. coz, a little color on your lips change your appearance instantly! even without full on make-up.

*clap like a seal* 

yayyyyyy! done!

From what I learned from Youtube and what I have experienced myself, mahal (expensive) does not mean better. 
coz for example, The Saem Concealer Foundation was a few dollars more then Maybelline Fit Me Foundation but Maybelline worked better for me. 
another example, Too Faced's Sweet Peach is a branded palette compared to the Australis's Neutrlize, a drug store one but the Too Faced ones blends better.
Really, you gotta give it a try to know.

Left to Right. Progress.

Annual dinner, left to right, 2017, 2018, 2019.

Raya Make-Up, left to right, 2017, 2018, 2019

Playing with make-up progressions.

I didn't get to where I am with make-up without trials and errors. There were pictures to prove that. LOL at the same time, I'm still learning. I only bought stuff where I can afford them. and I tried the cheapest one too just to have options, you know. Nowadays, seller in Brunei are bringing in many drugstore products from the US and Europe, so, more options to test out make-up if you want. I want but like i said earlier, I'm lazy. So, for now, I'm gonna stick to what I already have and work for me.

If you are starting out with make-up, here's an advice:
Be Patient!
and embraced those freaky eyebrows and blushed cheeks.
They'll be your stepping stones to better your technics.

Also, to note, some items are not mentioned here. I only mentioned a few to show what items I started with until now, to compare or to show progress.

I think, I'm gonna share something that people seldom share; Pictures with and without filters.

Obviously, the ones with filter are better. and I always said to myself, Pictures last forever, so gotta look good. 😂😂😂😂

#laughlinesaregoodforyou


Thank you so much for reading this.

You the MVP.

Ciao~


. . .

my FAQ

other than the Solan Capo Emas (Soalan Campur Emas) "Ko bila lagi (kan kawin)?", 
I have another FAQ; about my travels.

without further ado, lesgo!


Question No.1
"Ke mana ko ari atu?" "apatah?"
"Where you go?" "how was it?"

You would think I love these kind of questions but not really.

Becoz:
1. People only asked to pass the time
2. People asked 'just becoz'
3. People genuinely curious but don't match my excitement when I started talking

When they asked me this, i usually become so hyped up and ready to tell them my 'adventure' time but then I see their faces. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
I have this intuition thing going on where I know I should calm down and minimize my story. It made me feel blergh and I wish they would not start up that conversation if they were not ready to hear my explosive with excitement story.

WHY YOU PLAYING WITH MY FEELINGS! ლ(́◉◞౪◟◉‵ლ


Question No. 2
"Ke mana saja tah ko?" "Bahapa saja ko di sana?" "shopping tah ko?"
"where did you go (there)?" "what did you do (there)?" "did you go shopping?"

Ok, first of all, are you sure you want to know the answer to these questions?
second of all, "I sight seeing a lot", "I sight seeing a lot", and "not really shopping coz I'm on a budget but yeah, i did buy a few knic knacs"

These questions are the most intimidating to me.
Even though it's my travel, my plan, my time and money, and it's my dream, I still feel a little anxious telling people what I did or didn't do.
People often replied with, "eh inda kan di sana saja?" "rugi tu eh inda ke sana" "sayang jua inda shopping". 
🙄🙄🙄
These responses used to mess with my head. Like, if I didn't go to the place where THEY wanted to go, I'm missing something. and If i didn't buy that one thing THEY would've just bought (becoz it's from overseas 🙄), I miss the opportunity.

Akusmi (excuse me), whose travel is this for? You kah? Me kah?
Different people, different wants and needs.
Just becoz my travel plans/ideas are not up your alley, doesn't mean I'm doing it wrong.

I just had a deja vu. have I made this kind of post before? 🤔

*search blog* yup! i did. back in March 2018. LOL but this is the 2.0 version!


Question No. 3 
"Since ko pernah ke sana, tell me what to do" "What should we do about tempat tinggal?" "Ke mana patut di aga ni?" "Berapa patut ku bawa?"
"Since you've been there, tell me what to do" "what should we do about accommodation?" "Where should we go?" "How much (money) I should bring?"

These are the questions that pushed me into making this post.

(I have a feeling this one gonna be too long but I'm not gonna break this into two part post coz, I'm not rajin)

People have the notion that since I've been there before, I must be an expert!

Ok, listen up (or read up) people! I AM NOT. 

the answer to this seems so difficult for me to give. coz i strongly believe that different people has different idea about 'travelling'. Kindly refer to Question No. 2 for my anxiety ridden reflexes. More often than not, I got annoyed.

but, I decided, I'm gonna take this opportunity to educate people.

Here we go:

it's 2019 and internet is a thing.

I'm not being ungrateful but I always feel like I'm the one person who has the least internet access or the only one who doesn't have access to wifi. 

BUT I have my phone data, and if I can do this with just that, then you definitely could too! 


Step one!
Google is your new bestfriend!
I know it can be daunting. You might feel like you don't know what you should do coz you've never done this before, etc.
But in this age and era, you must know about Google.
So, step one, open your internet browser or chrome go to Google.com (if this is not you default page, what are you doing?)

and then ask away~ 
What I did was ask Google "what to do in Seoul"

Example: 

Youtube videos will pop up with this too. So, if you are not rajin to read, watch those suggested videos.

Step two!
Accommodation!
Agoda.com
this one, I seriously cannot recommend you places to stay.
Why?
coz my idea of accommodation is cheap and for sleeping.
If you're the type to say, "eh so small the room" "no wonder cheap", please, I can't help you there.
As far as I know, hotel is expensive every where.
There will be cheap ones, of course, but you can't expect a lot.
You can't have the best of both worlds in this.
And if you're with family, definitely don't book 'hostel'..be realistic. 'hostel' is dorm like hotel room, meaning bunkers bed, shared bathroom area, no personal space, etc.
Again, you can Google your specifications; room for family, cheap hotel for family.
Also, remember to choose a hotel nearer to tourist attractions. thank me later.


Step three!
As you Google/browse thru ideas after ideas of what you should be doing in the country that you're going to visit, you definitely will have a list of places to go and things to do.
List them down. on a piece of paper or on your phone if that's more convenience you. 
I'm always the pen and paper girl, so I would list that down on paper.

this is just a sample, not mine. 

and it listed down countries but I hope you got what I mean LOL

If you wanna be extra you can do a Travel Journal like me. 
Jot everything down, where you wana go, what you wana do there, etc.

again, just a sample, not mine.

My journal was supposed to be like my travel itinerary and what I'm gonna use when I was in Seoul but it became so personal that I ended up not bringing it anywhere in fear I could lose it.
but the point of this step is to just jot everything down and making a list.
so stick to that.


Step four!
After you have your list, it is time to organize.
Yes, you must. if you come to me for advise, this is what you gonna do.

You must already have dates set on when you're gonna leave and when you gonna come back from your vacation.
with the help of the list you just make from Step Three, you now can do some military precision planning!
No, but this is gonna be awesome. especially when this is your first time going there.

for this step, Microsoft Excel is your bestfriend!

it also helps if you divide your places to visit base on area/city.

Here you can see me dividing places to visit/see base on area/city; two places to visit in a day, during night time can do shopping, etc.

I also do research on how to get there, what train to hop on, where the exit to a place from the station gonna be, etc.

I'm a little OCD, don't judge me.

I mean, every little thing helps! especially if its your first time there.

This Excel timetable was what I printed out and use all the time I was in Seoul.

Ok, ok. maybe this is not your thing. You can skip this part. Do your own thing. Improvise. You do you.
I honestly don't use this to the T! I made adjustment where needed. this is just a form of guideline. like, if that castle is close, you can go else where. you know, so you don't waste precious time and money.


Step five!
Budgeting!

here's an example from my Seoul trip.

again, depends on your wants and needs

you can break it down by days too if you want. but I can't do that. (▰˘◡˘▰)
also, something worth remembering, again, different people, different wants and needs.
I was on a budget, and yes, I do jot that I'm gonna shop but really, depends on you. If your plan is to shop then you know you gonna have to bring extra. If you plan to try all the food, again, you gotta bring extra, coz food ain't that cheap, for halal restaurant food anyway.

and that is what, when, where, and how I do my planning before my travel.

Three responses to FAQ, and additional "STEPS" on how to plan yours. 
I hope I laid it down clearly. If not, feel free to comment and I will try my best to respond back. 😉

If you noticed, this is my first time doing my planning this thorough. Even on my first solo Japan trip I wasn't this thorough. All I did on my first solo was print out a one-week time table and wrote down the places I wanna visit and i winged it when I got to Japan LOL.

but same principle applies; that plan is just a form of guideline so you don't waste precious time and money. 😉

I know this too long of a post but I wanna get it out of my system.

I wanna say thank you to Iku Tree from youtube.

it was from her video that I learn to make 'thorough' planning for my trip.

Thank You! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

Check out her video below.



Yes, her video is for solo travelling to Japan but there are a lot you can take out for your own non-solo travel planning.

and with that, I shall end this here.

Thank you so much for reading up till here.

you the MVP!

. . .

Misconception of Me

composed 02 Sep 2018. 4:13pm
Finished composing: 7:21pm
Start editing: 7:21pm
Done: 8:01pm
re-edit: 9:08pm

This was supposed to be made on 1st Sep but as always, when composing something in anger, I usually will not post them right away. 
for someone with extreme temper like myself, I know very well that nothing came out good when you do things out of anger.

I composed the original on my phone on 31st Aug.
I might still not post this up yet.

Why not, you might ask?
becoz I'm not sure what I wanted to tell.
the truth?
the glossed-over truth?
the vague truth?

I just hope when I finally decided to post this up, it's not gonna end up a very messy essay. LOL

Anyway,
I try putting my "Misconception" in point form. let's see how things go from there.

but before we continue, a few notes;

NOTE 1: THIS IS A LONG ASS RIDE. So, if you don't feel like reading to the end, LEAVE.

NOTE 2: make your judgement ONLY AFTER YOU READ TILL THE END.

NOTE 3: Vulgar language is used. maybe.

1. I am not rich.

I don't know why this is on top my head when I started the list.
But I feel like this is the biggest Misconception of Me of all.
coz for some reason people thought I have an overflowing supply of cash (Aminn Ya Rabb!)
Anything I have, anything I bought (both planned and impulsively), I earned them.
Yes, I may ended up "broke" becoz of it, but I still earned it.
Like what my sister told me just recently; "Bukan inda mampu, inda mau" I cannot translate that into English at this moment.
There's this famous malay saying; "Di mana ada kemahuan, di situ ada jalan" and another, "Nak hendak seribu daya, tak hendak seribu dalih".
I'm not saying I live by these sayings but I applied this to anything involving money.
So, don't come to me and said, "easy for you to say, ko kaya ah" (Ya Allah, Aminn aku kaya) but no.
Aku mampu untuk benda yang aku mahu sahaja.

2. My temper.

Yes, I know, I have bad temper.
it's becoming a huge 'issue' at work.
it's 'affecting' my work.
◔_◔
one: it doesn't.
two: marah ku bukan tanpa sebab.
and it is especially an issue when I'm quiet.
three: I know I'm ugly when I'm angry, so I prefer to stay quiet.
four: or would you prefer I lash out with angry words?
another issue that came to my attention is that, people thought they cannot point out MY mistake to me. becoz, according to them, I got pissed.
щ(ಠ益ಠщ)
five: when you talk shit behind my back or make snide comments that you thought I did not hear, at those times, were you thinking of my feelings?
six: so, I don't understand why you care if I get angry when you try pointing out my mistake to me.
You once said that pointing out mistake is to teach us. So, teach me. So what if I got pissed?! you don't care about my feelings any other time. so why care how I feel when you tell me I make a mistake? or in malay, takut kan bagitau aku, yang aku buat salah?
seven: you shouldn't be scared. Ko lurus. Aku salah. it's that simple. Fuck my temper if you truly want me to learn and better myself.
Why then, I'm pissed when my mistake is being pointed out to me?
It's the way you pointed them out to me.
Eight: you pointed them out in front of everybody as a lesson.
Nine: When you worried about my anger, you straight up not tell me about my mistake and let others handle it. One reason I heard of why people do this is: Menjaga hati ku. Taking care of my feelings? Really? Doesn't that make me, I don't know, blur? How can I know I make a mistake when I'm not being told I make a mistake? You think I make mistake on purpose, is it?
Mistake is a mistake. It happened and I wouldn't know I make them until someone tell me that I make them.
and here's number ten: and then you made it seems like I'm too sensitive?
eleven: and you have the audacity to call me "defensive" ?
twelve: YOU GUYS STILL WONDER WHY I'M FUCKING ANGRY?!

3. My retaliation

in case you don't what it means:

as mentioned, I prefer to stay 'diam' when I'm mad/pissed/angry.
and I can already hear you readers thinking "lurus bah, cAz ani yg sensitive, inda dapat ketaguran".
True. maybe I am.
but read this next line properly.
Every body has a different way of handling a situation.
My way just happened to be: Marah dalam diam.
Why? because you love to point out my mistake in a meeting.
Wanna know how I feel about that? Humiliated.
and wanna know how I deal with that? Marah dalam diam.

Ok, you may say that it's all in my head, too sensitive to "teguran".
but wouldn't you be?
Other people buat mistake but they are being "console" in private.

Why I'm being "console" in a meeting?

Of course I retaliate. in Silent.
coz I know my silent kills them softly inside. MUAHAHAHAH 

and I'm the bad person for reacting that way to them after what they did to me?

I'm giving back what you have given me and you still say I'm the bad person here?

Really?

4. Self-reflect

with all my anger and retaliation mentioned,
here comes my self-reflect.
I maybe angry becoz of the way you convey your message to me
but
as I let my thoughts run, I always go back to being that "snapped out of it" person and accepted my faults.
this part of this post isn't trying to show or to tell you that I'm good.
but to show you that Anger is not my core. it's not my whole entire being.
Anger is a feeling I have, arises by the situation that I'm in.
(Kindly watch Disney's Inside Out to understand that kind of shit)
anyway,
as I was saying,
After I let my thoughts run its course, I usually let go of my anger (towards people) and accepted that I made the mistake.
because that's the truth, I made a mistake.
by accepting that, I can now focus on improving myself from making that same mistake again
that is all.

5. My conscience.

or should I say My GUILT Conscience.

here's the meaning if you don't know:

Every time I do something bad or did a mean clapback, I always feel guilty about it afterwards.
I would want to apologize and I probably should~
but my ego said, "No, they deserve it. Sampai bila kan diam saja when they suka hati buat cematu? Ingat robot? Ingat nada perasaan? I am human"
and I believe that my ego is right.
Sometimes my guilt will eat my insides for days
but my ego.
my ego.
I refused to apologize when I finally made a clapback to the people who did me wrong for so many times before.
I will stand my ground and say you deserve what you've got.
and again, when this happened, I will be seen as the bad person. but read point no. 3 for another cycle of why I'm giving you back what you asked for.

6. My Ground. or Aku ada pendirian.

This point kinda the very reason that triggers me to make this post.

I found out very recently that I'm being dubbed as a bad influence to a certain human being.

*tarik nafas panjang2 and release. and remain fucking calm for this*

I have two of my mom's advices that I wana share here;
a. "Jangan luan pemarah~ nada urang suka~"
b. "You have a choice"
I should have put advice (a) in point no. 2 LOL!
but advice (b) is on another level; it was not said to me in English, nor was it said to me in Malay in that way.
Story time!
Not really.
When I was young, whenever I did something wrong and at that time was with a cousin or a friend, my mom would head on scolded me and me alone. I don't remember the exact scolding but what I take from it (and to this day) is, "you have a choice". If someone tag you along to do something and you know you shouldn't be doing them, but still do it anyway becoz someone told you to, then, to my mom, you are to blame. 
because 
You have a choice.
End of Story.
sorta.

back to the present.
I was told that I'm a bad influence to someone. 
let's give this someone a name, Joy.

Hmmm..
how should I put this? I can't just put out a story half way. you might agree that I AM a bad influence.
I also can't put out the entire work story coz I will be damned.
but wait, didn't I already do that in point no.2? ┏(＾0＾)┛┗(＾0＾) ┓
hmmmm..
to be honest, at this point, I'm so tired. Mentally tired. coz malas ku kan pikir lagi. but I promised I posted something yesterday and now it's the day after. I need to commit to this. and walk my talk.

Let's not go back too long in the past and let's keep the circle within my unit.
but I've been quite the loner for years.
coz I'm the type yang wouldn't even try and be "friendly" with people yang I know talk shit behind my back.
and for so long too, I have set my mind into keeping the "relationship" strictly business.
coz if I don't keep it strictly business, I will make it personal and no one wants that. 
So, 
Joy used to be a duo but now they fall out.
They used to be the super duo who love to talk shit behind my back.
After the fall out, Joy started hanging out with me and other friends from a another unit after work; like, watch movies and eat out.
and I should mentioned that in at least half of these outing, Joy had been telling me about her struggle; emotionally and mentally. Of course, aku kesian. I've been there too. So, I listened.
I also gave her work advice; "jangan tah ingau apa ya buat atu. Keraja tetap keraja. We still need to communicate with one another. yg penting keraja siap".

but some people see this 'blossoming friendship' differently.

You see, Joy used to be this cheerful person and talkative.
but after the fall out, she kept to herself. 
So instead of seeing her 'professionalism' for not mixing personal emotions with work, she was dubbed as sensitive and defensive, and temper-mental.
Sounds familiar?
She was even told straight out that she was acting like me.
◔_◔
which to me, is basically saying, I'm a bad influence to Joy.
like
╭∩╮（︶︿︶）╭∩╮

a. she's always had a temper. even from the moment she joined us. and you know that.
b. PLEASE TAKE NOTE! SHE KEPT TO HERSELF EVEN BEFORE SHE STARTED TO HANG OUT WITH ME AGAIN!
c. if ia yg terikut-ikutan aku, that's not my problem.

you know why it's not my problem? coz
d. I didn't go out of my way to 'recruit' her
e. make her sensitive, defensive, and temper-mental.
f. She comes to me, ok?
AND
My advice is clear; don't worry about personal things during working hours. Focus on your work. If other people continue to act like crap, then let them. there's only 8 hours of working. it doesn't really matter. it's just a day's work.
If Joy chose to follow my "bad" behavior instead of the good one, that is not my problem.
because she has a choice.

wanna know why this point is titled My Ground?
becoz I know where I stand.
and I will fight for what is right. you can say whatever you want about me but the Truth Will Out.
I know when people don't like me and I'm not gonna go around trying my hardest to convince them to like me.
I don't let other people to manipulate my mind. Cukup tah people manipulate my words. I don't need them to mess with my mind too. 


and my advice to Joy would be to find her own ground and stand firm.

7. I have a life.

I have a life outside of work.
I have a life when I'm not with you.
I have a life.
So don't you ever think that I can't live without you.
Work is work.
Life after work, is life after work.
You wanna continue to make me feel like crap during working hours? Dipersilakan.
Just know, the moment I clock out, I have another life to think about.

8. Victim.

this is a short one.
When people acted shit towards me and I happened to get back at them, they acted like they're the victim.
When in reality, they initiate the attacks and I only retaliate.
I was never a rebel without a cause, ok? Put that inside your head.
If you feel like I'm angry with you or acted mean to you, ask yourself, what have you said and what did you do that make me this way.
Stop playing victims.
If you don't know if you can handle the consequences that comes when you create a situation, don't start.

In conclusion:

I understand most of the things that had happened is because of how I reacted to them.
I could be gracious in handling them too.
but yatah tu..
I'm temper-mental.
and too sensitive.
In my defense, I acted accordingly.

(~￣▽￣)~


this doesn't just apply to work-life situation. it also apply to real life situation. 
Yes, I have two life; Work-life and Real-Life. Work-life isn't real. You put up a front to deal with that place and when you clock out, you're real life begins.

Ok, ok. working is real, of course. it pays the bill. 

but what I meant by that is,
"If you fall in your life, neither your boss nor clients will offer you a helping hand; your family and friends will" - Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam.
or in my words, anything happened outside of work, neither your boss nor colleagues care; my family and friends saja yang care.

. . . .

Thank you so much if you come this far. I told you its a long ass ride.
I really appreciate your time.
Just don't judge me too harshly after this. (∪ ◡ ∪)
There's always two sides of the story and this is mine.

. . .