Penny Thoughts

composed/edited last: 15th Apr
updated 20 Dec 6:32pm
ready to post 20 Dec 7:40pm

This draft was titled Internet and after reading and retyping everything, 
I'm just gonna title it Penny Thoughts (coz Penny For Your Thoughts)


I didn't know how to internet until I was 15.
But only becoz I don't have a complete excess to it.
I couldn't even 'search' for Westlife with whatever search engine there was back then.

I don't know where I'm going with this but bear with me, yeah?


I don't how I started, but whenever anything happened, I would recall back everything that I did before that particular happening.

For example, when bad things happened, I would go back and think of the things I did that wasn't particularly right or nice.

come to think of it, I only ever wonder of the bad things, never the good things.

Sometime I remember old memories in details and I don't like it.
It's funny how I remember them like that but can't remember the important stuff for school/work to safe my life. ๏̯͡๏

I think the reason why I remember the embarrassing part of my life the most is because God is telling me stop being so judgmental coz I'm worse. LOL

Stopped judging people who are less fortunate, like not knowing certain things, becoz you didn't know better back then too.

I think the reason why I was hard on some people is becoz their behavior now reminded me of myself back then and I don't want them to end up doing embarrassing things like I did. (◡‿◡✿)

I want people to be better than me

or, to put it simply

i hate seeing myself in other people, it's not really a pleasant thing to experience.

that is why I want you to be better than I was. than I am.

You gotta.


I was once told, me feeling bad for myself is all in my head and that no one could help me with that.

I don't think I'm even mildly a depress person but that is not something you should say to anyone. If you can't offer a word of comfort, the least you could do is to just nod and make a sympathetic expression.

what if I'm a real depress individual? what if I have suicidal tendency?



Where am I going with this? ◐.̃◐

Right

hahahaha


I'm not going anywhere with this coz I'm only trying to write down my thoughts.

😂😂

I told someone that 2 years prior (me telling her that story), I was depressed. I didn't realize that I was until it passed. When I was telling her that, I only meant how that work environment made me depressed. you know, sharing stories and shiz.
2 years later, you wanna know what I found out ? 
This person told someone else, "She's not depressed. Just seeking for attention"

and I was like, ◔̯◔ "Wow. Thanks".

I think I've talked about depression WAYYYYYYYYY before Dec 2017.

Just becoz I finally more open about it now, doesn't mean I'm going mainstream, ok?

Even if it's now mainstream, that doesn't mean it's any less real to the real sufferer.

Sigh.

I think, with everything that's been going on, it's coming back.

I'm scared that I'm losing it.

Which is why I'm trying to busy myself with so many things.

It's driving me nuts.


For months now, my head has been railing with so many thoughts. 

I mean it always has been but now it's overwhelming.

I feel myself feeling overwhelm by it.


the FAQs include;

Why I feel stagnant?

Why everything I do doesn't seem to be right?

Why is everyone so annoying?

Why can't I stand up?

Why am I not getting any better?


They say I will get over this, there'll be a better day, grass is just as green on this side, time heals all wounds, this too will passed.


But all I want is for it to pass now.

. . .

my Baby Blue

Hello

another SHINee post

but especially today, it will be about our beloved leader, Onew.

First mini album dropped on 5th Dec 2018.

Seven songs:

1 Blue

2 거리마다 (Your Scent)

3 동네 (Under The Starlight)

4 어떤 사이 (Sign)

6 온유하게 해요 (Shine On You)

5 사랑이었을까 (Illusion)

7 또각또각 (Timepiece)

Two written by Lee Jinki:

온유하게 해요 (Shine On You)

사랑이었을까 (Illusion)

One pun: 

온유하게 해요

LOL

Gotta love this smart ass babe.

apakan?

😂😂😂

Now let's enjoy his MV of his titled song, Blue.

I kinda expected him to sing this kind of song.

At first, i was like, "eh?" and then as I continue listening on, I kinda, chuckled? 😂
coz the style of the song reminds me of an old Malay song whose titled I don't know the name of 😄
내 스타일 아니야
🙊

the rest of the songs in the album are in his normal ballad style voice, so, major2 love for them all. 

Especially Shine On You 😏



the puns, people. the puns!

but as funny as the title goes, I actually cried at the end of the song. 
the final verse of the song;

Some believe this song Onew wrote for Jonghyun.

Sun is Onew, Moon is Jonghyun.

Onew said I love you and I cried back, "I love you too"
My emotional feeling was so riddikulus last night. Like, when I finally stopped crying, I wondered what was so sad for me to cry like that. LOL.

Actually, I know why.

I'll explain in another post (if I rajin wawawa)

I found a post explaining the meaning of the MV. Kinda far fetch, kinda not.

have a read;
(click to enlarge please)

You know what? No matter how much I want this to be a happy album, it really is not.

Onew is leaving (me) for the army. 
Even though I did read somewhere that he will share some audio updates whilst in the army, I don't think it will change the fact that this album is a goodbye.

His latest post is this;

yeah right

When I clicked the See Translation under his original post, it says, "Please be good in the future! :) thank you so much everyone" and it got me upset. 
it feels like that scene I once wrote in my story, "I just got you, and now you're leaving?" *cry me a river*

Currently listening to  어떤 사이 (Sign)



This one has a festive vibe to it. He really prepared us well, huh? *hmpf* 
for real tho, I like this song. like, I picture us dancing to this. kekeke
(this song better not be a sad song! No, malas ku cari translation 😅)


Can't you tell who my SHINee bias is?

LOL!


Here, let me share you the album;



Have a listen and tell me I'm not being bias. :P

It's a good album. You'll fall in love too.

. . .


A/N: *me in the middle of composing this post* I never learn. I should have just screenshot everything when I see it. You know, for blog post purposes. but nooooooooooo. I always thought I will find it when I need it when in reality, YOU WILL NOT FIND IT WHEN YOU NEED IT!

Extras:

Remember these?

here's a new version:

Next:

we already know he the Sold Out king

WellDone boys! 🎉🎉🎉🎉

caption FTW!! 💪💪

now: a proof.

remember how I was looking for it but didn't find it?

Today, I'm not looking for it

and

what do you know,

it appears!

Onew's imagined Song List for his solo.

(who ever edit this ish, come see me, I just wanna talk LOL)

Flying Money 💸

SO

I actually forgot to try and make a post about this.

Hmm

Maybe becoz I just don't want to talk about how much money I spent in pre-ordering kpop items.

LOL

Let's break this ish down;

1. Key!

He is finally doing his solo. Like, a real solo. I know he did the ToHeart thing but to me, that doesn't count as a solo, since he did it with Infinite's Woohyun (on wiki, Toheart is dubbed 'sub unit'. I don't think thats appropriate since sub-unit usually meant for a unit that is form within a unit and SHINee and Infinite is not from the same unit, is it?)
anyhoo
Key is finally doing a solo!
his first single is called, Forever Yours featuring Soyou.



I love this song at the first listen. 

and then he dropped his album, called, FACE,  on 26th November.

I haven't properly listen to this album yet but managed to I listen to Easy to Love in full, and i like the English lyric.





2. ONEW! 

argh. his news are the most devastating.
first, SM announced his enlistment date, 10th Dec.
AND THEN!
THE SECOND NEWS! he's dropping his first solo album, on the 5th Dec. 

like 😒😒 I hope SHINee make SM rich this final two months of 2018.

Onew's album is called VOICE. titled song will be called Blue.

Kononnya, this album is a gift to Shawol/MVP for our undying love and support for him. 
basically, something for us to hold on to while he in the army. or something like that.

SO EXCITED FOR THIS!!

not that he never sang solo before, but previously he sang for OSTs, and for SMStation releases, he sang two duets. So, I don't know, doesn't quite counts.

🤷🏻🤷🏻



3. SHINee Japan!

YES! IT'S NOT DONE YET! titled is not a joke. 💸💸💸💸

SHINee World J presents! a DVD for the special Fan Event they had at Tokyo Dome for SHINee's (i think) 7th anniversary since debut in Japan.

Thus, including the Season Greetings, 
I have 4 kpop items to look forward to this month and in Jan 2019.

as excited as I am, I do have this thought at the back of my mind, that, these releases, are meant to be a distraction for us.

becoz

December.

I can't believe we made it thru the year.

I don't know how I should feel about it.

I keep forgetting anyway, and I kinda prefer it that way.

*shrug shrug shrug*

ok, ok.

let's not go there.

let's enjoy these lovely gifts, shall we?

My wallet does not appreciate my decision this month 😂😂

. . .

Bonus items:

Remember that time when Jonghyun plaglarize Taemin's ACE?

Ever since then, Shawol been speculating other member's solo releases.

this one win. Onew Chicken. LOL!!

*break-time* took me forever to search all the fan made album covers of the other members. Andangnya~~ bila di cari, nada. bila inda di cari karang~~ ada ya tu palak2 dapan mata. I wana say "thanks IG's saved button" but no. you miscalculated how much I saved PER DAY!

*in that spongebob french accent* 2 hours later~

I FINALLY FOUND IT~!
found them like from January 2018 post. like...thanks..
of course, within the two hours, I go toilet, eat snacks, etc.

I realized this Bonus section is getting longer too.

Fan made album covers:
obviously these are the newer version. there were other versions before.

Shawol lived for this shiz! HAHAHAHA

but of course,

reality is different.

hahahahah

I know I saw somewhere a new fan made album cover for Minho's but I am NOT gonna go thru another hour searching for it. like, no.




. . .

Slow Days

Hi

I'm supposed to be posting an update about books that I've read so far

but

I haven't taken the latest pictures

thus

that post has to wait some more.

I'm currently hanging out at Starbucks, making use of the free wifi.

I'm at my second seat, coz the first one was constantly surrounded by people, making me uncomfortable to start blogging.

also, I kept hearing people's stories. LOL

No, not eavesdropping. People talk in loud voices.

I actually listened more to the way they conveyed their stories and the one thing these people have? Bragging.

Makes me wonder; 

do I sound like that to other people? Bragging?

I hope not.

coz I always thought I sounded angry and hating the world most of the time.

hahahah

anyways,

December.

Just another 30 days and the year will be over and on to the next.

2019.

What else do we expect from ourselves for the new year?

What new 'azam' or 'goals' do have for ourselves next year?

Me? 

I don't know.

I don't know what else I should be wanting.

Well, I do want one thing;

Happiness!

I don't what that means and how that supposed to look like to others, I just want to be happy.

Work wise, family relationship wise, love wise, AND travel wise. 

LOL i know, I can't get serious with anything these days. I had to make jokes out of anything and everything. 

sigh.

Right.

I am running out of things to say.

I shall stop here.

with 

this

word

HAPPINESS.

. . .

FRUSTRATING

MY GOSH!!!!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE I SHOULD DO.

at time like this, I wish I have some IT background knowledge

😪

Why?

Because I noticed lately ..wait, not lately, it's been like this since I changed my blog template/design ...I lupa when but within this year plang..maybe awal tahun... hmm 🤔

anyway,

What I noticed was there is no 'newer post' and 'older post' at the bottom of a post.

But there's a widget that says 'popular post'

like, gurlll...we both know my blog ain't that popular. watchu playing at??

So, to fix this shiz, I go to my trusted internet buddy, Google.

I found this.

I followed the instructions to the T!

but 

what do you know, nothing happened.

atau pun aku yang inda paham instructions. 😂

My page continue to show none of the newer/older post buttons.

Like, why?

What makes you think it's ok to not include those 'links' at the bottom of the page?

W.H.Y.

I could search up more in the attempt to fix it

but I'm not gonna. coz

NOBODY AIN'T GOT TIME FOR THAT.

. . .

Hesitation

Why do you spend all your time 

Watching life pass you by;

Hanging on to your pride?

All that you can anticipate 

Hoping all your mistakes will somehow fade away

Why the hesitation 

Gotta' stop procrastinating;

Why the hesitation;

You can pick your destination

And the risk is so worth taking

Your heart will never be the same

Giving up drama's days;

Letting go uneasy ways

When will you ever realize

Letting go all your lies;

All the pain will subside

What are you gonna' do with this

It's either hit or miss

You know the answer now;

I know you hurt inside;

I know the reason why

Don't wait a moment;

Come on and give you heart away

Why the hesitation

Gotta' stop procrastinating

You're only wasting time Hesitating

. . .

Stacie Orrico - Hesitation

Snickering

Hi Guys.

I know, I'm getting terrible at this.

I'm currently not very passionate with blogging.

I've been writing a lot more though, so I guess that offset things. *shrug*

I just come back from a weekend getaway with my cousin too. I should post something about that but, nyeh..

I don't know. I'm not inspired enough. (▰˘◡˘▰)

The reason why I'm posting tonight is because I don't want my blog to be automatically deactivated for being not active LOL

I mean, yeah, I'm not feeling it anymore, but I still want to comeback to it when I feel like I want to comeback to it, some day.

(づ｡◕‿‿◕｡)づ

Ok,

you might want to just follow me on IG, I'm a little more active there. 

Until the next post,

Ciao~

. . .

Misconception of Me

composed 02 Sep 2018. 4:13pm
Finished composing: 7:21pm
Start editing: 7:21pm
Done: 8:01pm
re-edit: 9:08pm

This was supposed to be made on 1st Sep but as always, when composing something in anger, I usually will not post them right away. 
for someone with extreme temper like myself, I know very well that nothing came out good when you do things out of anger.

I composed the original on my phone on 31st Aug.
I might still not post this up yet.

Why not, you might ask?
becoz I'm not sure what I wanted to tell.
the truth?
the glossed-over truth?
the vague truth?

I just hope when I finally decided to post this up, it's not gonna end up a very messy essay. LOL

Anyway,
I try putting my "Misconception" in point form. let's see how things go from there.

but before we continue, a few notes;

NOTE 1: THIS IS A LONG ASS RIDE. So, if you don't feel like reading to the end, LEAVE.

NOTE 2: make your judgement ONLY AFTER YOU READ TILL THE END.

NOTE 3: Vulgar language is used. maybe.

1. I am not rich.

I don't know why this is on top my head when I started the list.
But I feel like this is the biggest Misconception of Me of all.
coz for some reason people thought I have an overflowing supply of cash (Aminn Ya Rabb!)
Anything I have, anything I bought (both planned and impulsively), I earned them.
Yes, I may ended up "broke" becoz of it, but I still earned it.
Like what my sister told me just recently; "Bukan inda mampu, inda mau" I cannot translate that into English at this moment.
There's this famous malay saying; "Di mana ada kemahuan, di situ ada jalan" and another, "Nak hendak seribu daya, tak hendak seribu dalih".
I'm not saying I live by these sayings but I applied this to anything involving money.
So, don't come to me and said, "easy for you to say, ko kaya ah" (Ya Allah, Aminn aku kaya) but no.
Aku mampu untuk benda yang aku mahu sahaja.

2. My temper.

Yes, I know, I have bad temper.
it's becoming a huge 'issue' at work.
it's 'affecting' my work.
◔_◔
one: it doesn't.
two: marah ku bukan tanpa sebab.
and it is especially an issue when I'm quiet.
three: I know I'm ugly when I'm angry, so I prefer to stay quiet.
four: or would you prefer I lash out with angry words?
another issue that came to my attention is that, people thought they cannot point out MY mistake to me. becoz, according to them, I got pissed.
щ(ಠ益ಠщ)
five: when you talk shit behind my back or make snide comments that you thought I did not hear, at those times, were you thinking of my feelings?
six: so, I don't understand why you care if I get angry when you try pointing out my mistake to me.
You once said that pointing out mistake is to teach us. So, teach me. So what if I got pissed?! you don't care about my feelings any other time. so why care how I feel when you tell me I make a mistake? or in malay, takut kan bagitau aku, yang aku buat salah?
seven: you shouldn't be scared. Ko lurus. Aku salah. it's that simple. Fuck my temper if you truly want me to learn and better myself.
Why then, I'm pissed when my mistake is being pointed out to me?
It's the way you pointed them out to me.
Eight: you pointed them out in front of everybody as a lesson.
Nine: When you worried about my anger, you straight up not tell me about my mistake and let others handle it. One reason I heard of why people do this is: Menjaga hati ku. Taking care of my feelings? Really? Doesn't that make me, I don't know, blur? How can I know I make a mistake when I'm not being told I make a mistake? You think I make mistake on purpose, is it?
Mistake is a mistake. It happened and I wouldn't know I make them until someone tell me that I make them.
and here's number ten: and then you made it seems like I'm too sensitive?
eleven: and you have the audacity to call me "defensive" ?
twelve: YOU GUYS STILL WONDER WHY I'M FUCKING ANGRY?!

3. My retaliation

in case you don't what it means:

as mentioned, I prefer to stay 'diam' when I'm mad/pissed/angry.
and I can already hear you readers thinking "lurus bah, cAz ani yg sensitive, inda dapat ketaguran".
True. maybe I am.
but read this next line properly.
Every body has a different way of handling a situation.
My way just happened to be: Marah dalam diam.
Why? because you love to point out my mistake in a meeting.
Wanna know how I feel about that? Humiliated.
and wanna know how I deal with that? Marah dalam diam.

Ok, you may say that it's all in my head, too sensitive to "teguran".
but wouldn't you be?
Other people buat mistake but they are being "console" in private.

Why I'm being "console" in a meeting?

Of course I retaliate. in Silent.
coz I know my silent kills them softly inside. MUAHAHAHAH 

and I'm the bad person for reacting that way to them after what they did to me?

I'm giving back what you have given me and you still say I'm the bad person here?

Really?

4. Self-reflect

with all my anger and retaliation mentioned,
here comes my self-reflect.
I maybe angry becoz of the way you convey your message to me
but
as I let my thoughts run, I always go back to being that "snapped out of it" person and accepted my faults.
this part of this post isn't trying to show or to tell you that I'm good.
but to show you that Anger is not my core. it's not my whole entire being.
Anger is a feeling I have, arises by the situation that I'm in.
(Kindly watch Disney's Inside Out to understand that kind of shit)
anyway,
as I was saying,
After I let my thoughts run its course, I usually let go of my anger (towards people) and accepted that I made the mistake.
because that's the truth, I made a mistake.
by accepting that, I can now focus on improving myself from making that same mistake again
that is all.

5. My conscience.

or should I say My GUILT Conscience.

here's the meaning if you don't know:

Every time I do something bad or did a mean clapback, I always feel guilty about it afterwards.
I would want to apologize and I probably should~
but my ego said, "No, they deserve it. Sampai bila kan diam saja when they suka hati buat cematu? Ingat robot? Ingat nada perasaan? I am human"
and I believe that my ego is right.
Sometimes my guilt will eat my insides for days
but my ego.
my ego.
I refused to apologize when I finally made a clapback to the people who did me wrong for so many times before.
I will stand my ground and say you deserve what you've got.
and again, when this happened, I will be seen as the bad person. but read point no. 3 for another cycle of why I'm giving you back what you asked for.

6. My Ground. or Aku ada pendirian.

This point kinda the very reason that triggers me to make this post.

I found out very recently that I'm being dubbed as a bad influence to a certain human being.

*tarik nafas panjang2 and release. and remain fucking calm for this*

I have two of my mom's advices that I wana share here;
a. "Jangan luan pemarah~ nada urang suka~"
b. "You have a choice"
I should have put advice (a) in point no. 2 LOL!
but advice (b) is on another level; it was not said to me in English, nor was it said to me in Malay in that way.
Story time!
Not really.
When I was young, whenever I did something wrong and at that time was with a cousin or a friend, my mom would head on scolded me and me alone. I don't remember the exact scolding but what I take from it (and to this day) is, "you have a choice". If someone tag you along to do something and you know you shouldn't be doing them, but still do it anyway becoz someone told you to, then, to my mom, you are to blame. 
because 
You have a choice.
End of Story.
sorta.

back to the present.
I was told that I'm a bad influence to someone. 
let's give this someone a name, Joy.

Hmmm..
how should I put this? I can't just put out a story half way. you might agree that I AM a bad influence.
I also can't put out the entire work story coz I will be damned.
but wait, didn't I already do that in point no.2? ┏(＾0＾)┛┗(＾0＾) ┓
hmmmm..
to be honest, at this point, I'm so tired. Mentally tired. coz malas ku kan pikir lagi. but I promised I posted something yesterday and now it's the day after. I need to commit to this. and walk my talk.

Let's not go back too long in the past and let's keep the circle within my unit.
but I've been quite the loner for years.
coz I'm the type yang wouldn't even try and be "friendly" with people yang I know talk shit behind my back.
and for so long too, I have set my mind into keeping the "relationship" strictly business.
coz if I don't keep it strictly business, I will make it personal and no one wants that. 
So, 
Joy used to be a duo but now they fall out.
They used to be the super duo who love to talk shit behind my back.
After the fall out, Joy started hanging out with me and other friends from a another unit after work; like, watch movies and eat out.
and I should mentioned that in at least half of these outing, Joy had been telling me about her struggle; emotionally and mentally. Of course, aku kesian. I've been there too. So, I listened.
I also gave her work advice; "jangan tah ingau apa ya buat atu. Keraja tetap keraja. We still need to communicate with one another. yg penting keraja siap".

but some people see this 'blossoming friendship' differently.

You see, Joy used to be this cheerful person and talkative.
but after the fall out, she kept to herself. 
So instead of seeing her 'professionalism' for not mixing personal emotions with work, she was dubbed as sensitive and defensive, and temper-mental.
Sounds familiar?
She was even told straight out that she was acting like me.
◔_◔
which to me, is basically saying, I'm a bad influence to Joy.
like
╭∩╮（︶︿︶）╭∩╮

a. she's always had a temper. even from the moment she joined us. and you know that.
b. PLEASE TAKE NOTE! SHE KEPT TO HERSELF EVEN BEFORE SHE STARTED TO HANG OUT WITH ME AGAIN!
c. if ia yg terikut-ikutan aku, that's not my problem.

you know why it's not my problem? coz
d. I didn't go out of my way to 'recruit' her
e. make her sensitive, defensive, and temper-mental.
f. She comes to me, ok?
AND
My advice is clear; don't worry about personal things during working hours. Focus on your work. If other people continue to act like crap, then let them. there's only 8 hours of working. it doesn't really matter. it's just a day's work.
If Joy chose to follow my "bad" behavior instead of the good one, that is not my problem.
because she has a choice.

wanna know why this point is titled My Ground?
becoz I know where I stand.
and I will fight for what is right. you can say whatever you want about me but the Truth Will Out.
I know when people don't like me and I'm not gonna go around trying my hardest to convince them to like me.
I don't let other people to manipulate my mind. Cukup tah people manipulate my words. I don't need them to mess with my mind too. 


and my advice to Joy would be to find her own ground and stand firm.

7. I have a life.

I have a life outside of work.
I have a life when I'm not with you.
I have a life.
So don't you ever think that I can't live without you.
Work is work.
Life after work, is life after work.
You wanna continue to make me feel like crap during working hours? Dipersilakan.
Just know, the moment I clock out, I have another life to think about.

8. Victim.

this is a short one.
When people acted shit towards me and I happened to get back at them, they acted like they're the victim.
When in reality, they initiate the attacks and I only retaliate.
I was never a rebel without a cause, ok? Put that inside your head.
If you feel like I'm angry with you or acted mean to you, ask yourself, what have you said and what did you do that make me this way.
Stop playing victims.
If you don't know if you can handle the consequences that comes when you create a situation, don't start.

In conclusion:

I understand most of the things that had happened is because of how I reacted to them.
I could be gracious in handling them too.
but yatah tu..
I'm temper-mental.
and too sensitive.
In my defense, I acted accordingly.

(~￣▽￣)~


this doesn't just apply to work-life situation. it also apply to real life situation. 
Yes, I have two life; Work-life and Real-Life. Work-life isn't real. You put up a front to deal with that place and when you clock out, you're real life begins.

Ok, ok. working is real, of course. it pays the bill. 

but what I meant by that is,
"If you fall in your life, neither your boss nor clients will offer you a helping hand; your family and friends will" - Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam.
or in my words, anything happened outside of work, neither your boss nor colleagues care; my family and friends saja yang care.

. . . .

Thank you so much if you come this far. I told you its a long ass ride.
I really appreciate your time.
Just don't judge me too harshly after this. (∪ ◡ ∪)
There's always two sides of the story and this is mine.

. . .