FRUSTRATING

MY GOSH!!!!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE I SHOULD DO.

at time like this, I wish I have some IT background knowledge

😪

Why?

Because I noticed lately ..wait, not lately, it's been like this since I changed my blog template/design ...I lupa when but within this year plang..maybe awal tahun... hmm 🤔

anyway,

What I noticed was there is no 'newer post' and 'older post' at the bottom of a post.

But there's a widget that says 'popular post'

like, gurlll...we both know my blog ain't that popular. watchu playing at??

So, to fix this shiz, I go to my trusted internet buddy, Google.

I found this.

I followed the instructions to the T!

but 

what do you know, nothing happened.

atau pun aku yang inda paham instructions. 😂

My page continue to show none of the newer/older post buttons.

Like, why?

What makes you think it's ok to not include those 'links' at the bottom of the page?

W.H.Y.

I could search up more in the attempt to fix it

but I'm not gonna. coz

NOBODY AIN'T GOT TIME FOR THAT.

. . .

When English is Not your First Language

I finally figured out why I'm having trouble writing my story.

and you may know, I write in English. I'm comfortable that way. Been writing in English elbeit broken since I was 12 years old.

Sometimes I feel like when I write, in Malay we say, 'telampau berbunga-bunga', or sometimes telampau panjang and not a single contain in a sentence.
it's frustrating when you read back.
So, this is why I could never finish my story coz I worry too much, procrastinating, and ended up stopping.

argh!
frust ku even just thinking about it.

anyway,
Let's watch below and you'll understand what I mean




he's so funny! hahaha and Egg, a little. read the comment on youtube. 
it gets better!

here's a little background about how I learned English.

1. thru reading and watching English speaking TV.
2. I mostly read books written by British.
3. I watched too much chick flick movies. or American English movies.

You understand my confusion?

If you can read too much into what I'm writing in my blog, you can sense the shift too.


. . .

Struggle

you don't know real struggle

until you experience slow internet.

-_-"

I was trying to watch God of Egypt online.
it's a two hour movie.
I started at around 9pm and by 1:51am later, the movie is still not finish.





SERIOUSLY!

I can't really enjoy the movie with all the pausing and waiting.

I finally understand why this movie didn't 'air' in Brunei. 
also, the 'Beast' kurang labih usulnya dengan usul Sea of Monster from Percy Jackson.
the story was supposed to be the beginning of Egypt before the Pharoahs, so the story-line was interesting. 
I know the Egypt was considered awesome engineers but dalam this movie, the graphics were, mcm, telampau 'forward'. almost futuristic even. Still awesome plang. 

but like I said, I wasn't enjoying the movie much, so, A for effort.

and thank you internet for being the awesome-est.
a two hour movie became a five hour movie. 
fantastic.

. . .

Still not used to

it's the 14th of February and I'm still not used to being in 2016. 
I kept thinking that the year just started when in fact we're almost done with the second month!

it is save to say yg I haven't done anything productive.
1. I didn't even finish checking off 'books I've read' list.
2. I have not move on to my next phone case DIY project.
3. I haven't started any exercise regime (the most MUST DO thing)

as the sun goes down today (when it was still 13th Feb that is), I thought to myself, "I should read a book later" but ended up wasting my time on my phone browsing Instagram over something so irrelevant and by 9pm, I took a shower and after that cooked dinner. and spent almost 3 hours outside leaving my phone charged in my room.

Do you wana know what's the thing, though?
the reason why I left my phone to charge in my room was because i think I've spent too much time on it, rechecking all my social media apps for something so petty! 
i need to get away from it!
it's evil!

and I'm not even kidding!
I know I'm not addicted to drugs but it feels just as bad!

I missed reading books. as in holding onto physical book and reading from it.

I have tons of ebook on my phone but reading from my phone is just not the same.

banar tah tu (it's true then) yg me buying an ipad would be a waste of money;
1. I told people (more like trying to convince myself) that i want an ipad for games and reading my ebooks
2. i used the same reason when I first plan on buying my iphone 6plus. and look where my games and ebooks now? Not played and not read.

Ok fine, I did read Mortal Instrument but stopped halfway coz I decided to start reading Scorch Trial. but same all, I haven't finish reading that coz I only ever open my book apps when I'm not checking my Instagram. which i check all the time out of habit v(=∩_∩=)ﾌ

*Iklan* I just realise; it's Valentine's Day. ٩(♡ε♡)۶
hmmm... I should've bought chocolate or cakes tadi. *Iklan*

I saw this lady at the restaurant last Thursday after work and she was reading a book.
She was so engrossed in it that had me thinking, 'was I like that last time?' and had a sudden realization yg that me had long been forgotten.



the above picture says it all. o(TヘTo)

When I got into my room tadi, I thought i'd started reading one of the book but ended up checking where I left off with my own fanfic instead hahahaha
I guess that's a start, right?
but that short lived coz I decided I'm inspired enough to write a post here. ( ￣ー￣)φ__

I feel like I'm lost. like, no sense of direction!
I need to set a short term goals for me to focus on. at least that would give me the sense that I am going somewhere.

. . .

that Feeling

you know that feeling when you are so down and everything around you insisted to be wrong?

yeah, I'm having that feelings now.

it's frustrating and discouraging and demotivating.

maybe I'm the one who is unhappy in the first place but instead of everything else remain neutral as I wished, things just, don't.

So, all I'm doing right now is, to remain stagnant. like how my life has been for the past few years.

I'm usually a self-motivate person but today, I don't feel like motivating myself. I mean, what's the point really?

a/n: images are not mine

. . .

me right at this moment

SHINee Live at Tokyo Dome today.

 and also tomorrow.

Lucky Shawol be like

and then there was me.

Tunggu drg smpi ke Singapore again. I will make myself go there even if i had to swim a hundred rivers, climb a thousand walls. I will be there. (hahaha! oba~ )

Photos and GIF credit to respective owners. I'm just sharing your awesome creations. :)


. . .

one of these days

Seriously, 
I need to get a grip.
of my tongue.
Coz one of these days, I might slip something nasty out.
Nasty words.
I know I shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't even consider this.
OR even think about this.

Poor poor soul. they didn't even know that they're doing it. they must've thought we are all open-minded bastards.

I claimed myself the most open-minded one but I guess this little thing, I can't tolerate. or more correctly, I am trying but fail. I just can't. I can't open my mind to it. I can't.

Good thing I never claimed to be perfect. 
That would've contradict everything. 
phew~

hahaha 

I know, this post is like, blank.

if this feelings went on, I might have to say it out loud to my sister. She's my walking diary after all. Diari bergerak.
hahaha ha ha

Point is, I'm just worrying over what if one of these days I might burst and hurt people with my choice of words? What if?

Did you know physical wounds are easier to mend/heal than mental/feelings wounds?

I'm sure you do.

I know exactly how that feels and I don't want others to feel that too. 

not when I can help it.

sigh~

Tough shit

. . .

Emotions

Emotions run high today. or rather, kemarin.

It was the final day before the half-yearly bank closing etc plus we were all anxious about finishing our workload in fear that on Saturday would be the public holiday for Ramadhan.

Rude words were exchanged. Snide remarks shouted everywhere. Particularly from this woman from another unit. I admit that it was partly because of me being 'serious' to her. and when I was raising my voice to my juniors, 'the' woman screamed back to me. Well, she had her back at me but I knew it was meant for me. Macam, dude! Terasa plang di sana atu!
Panas lah hati ku. Malu pasal, luan jua inda betauliahnya bekeraja ani? I know tani satu department, tapi meneriaki cematu atu (walau cemana stress pun kau) kurang ajar bah tu. Besyukur ku kalau ku marah, aku prefer diam2 walaupun hati ku rasa kan teriak2. Satu, ko memalukn urg. Dua, ko memalukn diri sendiri.

Tapi lapas tu we were ok coz I asked her why she screamed so loud when I was raising my voice to my juniors. She said she couldn't remember why she screamed. I think, we both became adult there; eventhough kami tau what happened tapi we decided to let it go.

and then, I realised, in that place, we are all Dobby.

Yes, Dobby the HouseElf from Harry Potter series.
Why?
Because, We are slaved to the management. We hated them for being too cruel and even so we still love  our job (and that overcome the shitty environment). At certain point we also defended them because they are our 'master'.
Macam Dobby kn? Slaved, mastered but we love our job. (I mean, I love my job and my routine. I just hate the environment)
of course, we are not bound for life at BBB.
I could just walk away but I have commitments to take care of. bukan urg kaya kn sanang2 beranti bila 'had enough'.
If only...

Anyway, I just thought of a phrase; memang bulih meminta maaf and memaafkan. tapi hati kalau sudah tersinggung, sampai mati pun masih ingat. 
bak kata pepatah ong puteh, 'Forgive but Never Forget!'.

Yatah, kadang2, baik diam2. Kalau marah, jan luan ikut emosi and cakap suka2 hati or teriak suka2 hati. take a deep breath and think for a moment. Ingat, klu tani memalukan urg, bukn maruah urg sja gugur, meruah tani pun ikut gugur. Why? dah tani inda lagi terhormat kn urg, cemana urg kan hormat tani? Kan?

Ani untuk muhasabah diri ku jua. Kan aku ani pun pemental jua. tapi tujuh taun ku keraja, inda ku pernah meneriaki urg cematu. Sungguh kurang ajaran! Inda betauliah! Awu! sakit ati ku masih mengenangkannya. I know aku patut bersih kan hati pasal inda lagi batah Ramadhan tiba tapi..eh. adang tah. ada yg inda beraya karang taun ani. Hahaha ganas..

eh..baik tah..

. . .

Writers

after spending so much time on Asianfanfics.com these past years, I realized something.

real authors need real (heavily constructive) criticism.

I mean the most I see people comment about a story is about how cute this character look (when in actualness the author has not even describe their cuteness in words) or how cute the main characters were together (hmm. I guess that's the disadvantage of writing a fan fiction. coz you're using characters from the real life; Kpop artists and such).

Point is, i don't think most of us want this.

I, for one, would love a criticism on the way I laid out the story, my grammar (though i wouldn't listen much on that since English is only my second language. LOL), and you know, REAL criticism!

but I guess (again) I have to take into account that that website if full of hormonal teenagers, who was so keen into the story line alone (without really caring how the words were laid down as long as there's the name of their fav kpop artists in it) than how it was laid out etc etc.

I'm not saying I'm THAT good! gawd, no. I've got a lot to learn too.

it just frustrates me that I'm posting my story there in the hope that I would get decent, constructive, criticism that would help me improve myself in one way or another, but I got this childish review instead.

I had one good review once for one of my stories and although it stinks and i kinda don't like it in the beginning, I still appreciate it. it got me where I am today.

but since me and that person are not talking to each other anymore, I have no one else to ask harsh review from. 

sigh.

You really don't miss your water, till the well runs dry.

ANYWAY~~

I WANT CONSTRUCTIVE REVIEWS ON MY STORY! 

ANYBODY WANTS TO BE THE REVIEWER?! 

also, desperate time calls for desperate measures.


. . .

Family my foot.

I was at a family function a couple of weeks ago
and I noticed/realised a lot of things.

• their sister-in-laws were treating us like what.
• the younger cousins were doing it too.
• the cousins, of course, lagi dashyat.

People are just prone to be a blind judge.

I mean, what ever happened in the past had nothing to do with me, or you. it's our parents disputes.

So, what the hell are we doing?

Mom always drag me to 'these' cousins functions because the adults are 'all over it' (so they say). but they'd forgotten what they had done to the next generation of cousins.

I would've act neutral if they would. but everytime I set my mind to be neutral, smiling and greet people politely, they always ended up like a fucktard bitch. EVEN the men/guys/boys.

LIKE SERIOUSLY WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!

and my mom wondered why I never wanted to go?

Mom knew of course, or knew just a little and often telling me off when I got mad. she said, 'tani jangan tah ikut2an bejahat. Mun inda, sama tah tani jua macam drg tu'.
*rolled eyes*
Tau plang ku. ganya, I'm still just human and a human can only stand to a certain limit.

and My way of not bad mouthing them is TO NOT see them. EVER.
the less I see the lot of them , the better I feel. the less I 'mengumpat'. the less I 'sakit hati'.

I know they're not all like that. they are VERY nice people too. just not much.

and it's just THAT side of that family. always.

I don't know what their problem is.

all I'm asking is, just, GET OVER YOURSELVES. THE WORLD DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND YOU. 

. . .

the world is not split into good people and Death Eaters - Sirius Black.

Trust

took years to build

and only seconds to lose.

atu yg klu memang betaun2 dah dbuild, imagine yg staun jagung pun alum sampai?

hilang kepercayaan ku arah mu bui...never again..

and now everytime you talk, I have doubts.

sigh.

I feel like I want to turn back time and undo EVERYTHING about it but there's nothing that I can do and only have myself to blame.

I guess my sister was right, "pengalaman mengajar"

apa jua lagi yg patut ku buat kn? bersabar and learned from it.


. . .