Blogger at it again!

Hi guys.

Yes, Blogger's at it again.

I know, I know. I posted an update about Blogger JUST last week ago saying that they are working now. 
They really did. that time. 

but at around 16th May to 17th May, I noticed that when I checked my blog via my phone (safari.com) the images on my blog were gone. Like, where the picture was supposed to be are now black. 

Even my profile picture showing that 'broken image' icon. like, what is going on?

But really, my initial thought was, "Not again".

After trying all weekend to no avail, I gave up and sisredha.

The next week came and I asked from Zawir to see if he can see my blog, can see my pictures? He said he can. and I asked him to screenshot for me. he did.

WOULD. YOU. LOOK. AT. THAT.

PICTURES. EVERYWHERE!

My theory is confirmed!
Blogger only works when using wifi, a proper internet connection.
Blogger does not encourage tethering, an internet connection wanna-be.

Blogger is breaking my heart.

at first I was like, I'm gonna be spending so much time at Starbucks now.

and then I thought, I could be like everyone else in Brunei, apply for TelBru espeed (internet cable).

but should I really tho? would it be worth it? I mean would it worth my money?


Here's a little story time;

I've been hanging out in Starbucks for a while.
Thanks to my colleague who has been doing this since forever.
in the beginning, I was doing it to download my fav old movies and now, I still used it to download movies LEL!
She taught me how to download these movies using the TelBru Prepaid Wifi.
when she first mentioned that, my head hurt coz it sounded so complicated but when she showed me how to do it, it was actually very hassle free.
and I've been doing this every weekend since. My solace! *haaaaaaa*
This Prepaid wifi cost me $3 for 24hrs usage. I count it as $1 per hour and as long as I spent more than 3 hours there, kira balik model lah 😜. $3 per weekend, 4 times a month, equals $12. Good bargain. of course, jangan kira makan minum di Starbucks lah ah..😂😂


So, should I really apply for espeed? 
the cheapest package with high-speed data is $75 30mbps 50GB. 
I don't know if I want to commit to that every month.

I don't mind going out every weekend, coz at least I don't spend all day cope up at home doing nothing. Going out is good. even though it means I'll be spending some money.
I'll be spending money anyway! 

sigh.

I don't know. I've been thinking about espeed for a while now. but never come to any conclusion. 
I guess, it's not that urgent yet.
I mean, Blogger still work, just not at home. 
and as annoying as that sounds, I think I can manage. 
For now.

hmmm.. 

and the best I can do with my blog posts is scheduled them. Like, I can prepared them at home first, think of what image to attach and shit, then on the weekend I can upload. 
yeah
that could work.

or i will make it work.

Alright, that is all for now and I see you in the next post.

Raya is comming.

. . .

From Now On

SHINee, The Best From Now On album.

released date: 18th April 2018.

Songs in this album consist of all their releases in Japan for the past 7 years.

final track on it is what everyone wanted to hear most (I think), coz Jonghyun's voice is included. 

sigh.

anyway,
have a listen. it's called From Now On



as always, when its a Japanese release, its hard to find original audio on youtube -,- So, the above is, I believe, an audio taken during one of their dome tours. 

I finally understand why this song was so emotional when they sang it back at their dome tours in Japan last February.

I finally really 'feel'.

Let's read the translation now:


If I hadn’t met you yet
What would I have been doing now?
Not even knowing the meaning of love
Where would I have strayed?
No words to describe
My surging emotions
But you, we understand each other
Always have, always will

I offer you all my love
And endless gratitude
I swear on the stars that fall from your eyes
I’ll be with you forever
I’ll be with you
I’ll be with you

Following an endless dream
Never stoping, I took the first step
Beliving only in your smile
Before I knew it, I found myself in this place

A view unattainable on my own (Watch it pass me by)
Things I can’t grasp (Won’t let go)
Together with you, I can find it (I promise you)
Let’s go on searching for it forever

I offer you all my love
And endless gratitude
I swear on the stars that fall from your eyes
I’ll be with you forever
I’ll be with you
I’ll be with you

I’ll never forget this day with you
No matter what the future holds
It’s this love that makes me
Even stronger

I offer you all my love
And endless gratitude
I swear on the stars that fall from your eyes
I’ll be with you forever
I’ll be with you
I’ll be with you
Forever

#gaddammit

why am I doing this to myself tonight?



. . .

a/n: I'm not being superstitious but I don't like the idea behind 'the best' album or yg sewaktu dengan nya for example Westlife's The Greatest Album. 
I just don't trust the idea behind it.

Oops I did Again

Happy National Day to all Bruneians!

and it's been almost a month since I last posted here.

I swear I have no excuse.

LOL

So to start of,
I finally received my POET | ARTIST album.

Received within 3 weeks after placing my ordered.
I thought that I was gonna cry when I listened to the album in my car. Yes, I ripped open the plastic wrap as soon as I got into my car. LOL patient is not my virtue. 
I didn't cry. but I guess it's only because I've already listened to the album digitally.
(side note: to me, there's different feelings when listening to your songs; digitally (which includes Youtube), physical CD, and thru the Radio. I can't explain this into words. to me they're just different).

Are you ready for story time? :)

Now, SHINee just had their 
SHINee World 2018 The Best ~ From Now On ~ concert at Kyocera Dome, Osaka, Japan on 17th & 18th Feb.

I was never one to live stream any of SHINee concerts. I have never bother searching for a link to live streams.
I especially cautious of that this time around.
Only because, I knew there'll be lots of tears.

and man, was I right!

I avoided Instagram (my current source of Kpop news :P) for a few hours on the 17th as the concert began.
but late at night, I opened IG and already reading tons from both the fanaccount I followed and from my explore page.
I felt that tuck in my heart again.
I saw a clip of Onew barely keeping it together. from then on, I chose not to open any video and scrolled up fast when a video started playing.

I listened to two new Japanese songs and they're both nice ballads. but of course yg ku dangar atu not full version. when one of the member's voice waver or stopped singing, i skipped that video coz I know I couldn't continue listening.
*deep breath*
anyway,
the next day happened. I finally brave myself to listen to the closing song. Jonghyun voice was included.
and I shed a few tears.
It wasn't even a long video. not even 1 minute. but seeing the 4 of them like that, so kesian. 
:'(

So, when 18th Feb concert started, I was ok to watch and read fanaccounts.
and when they said SHINee members were hyper during performing hype songs, I smiled too.
I said to myself, "they are gona be ok".
BUT
ballad songs happened and they started crying again and my heart ache again.
SIGH

Well, that's the end of my storytelling.

I decided that, this year, supporting SHINee will be very tough.

I mean, of course, I will support them in any ways I can, but it will be very difficult for my heart.

I mean, how do you handle this?

. . .

since I already take picture

I ordered this album on Dec 5th 2017. and received them on 27th Dec.
Imagine how I was feeling on the 18th Dec.
"but I just ordered his album"

December 18th

December 18th, 2017.

A Monday.

It had been a long time since I last had my 'Monday Blues'. while other people have Monday Blues, I have Busy Bee Monday.

I came to work on the dot and had already set my mind into 'work' mode. Meaning, no matter what happened; lots of customers, lots of transactions, "I'm gona get thru the day head on!"

and then the day end. I was just getting into my car when I saw a text from my bespren, "JONGHYUN DIED??"
confused and a little insulted, I texted back, "Whaaaaaaa"

Time was 7:24pm.

He told me to check IG.

I had not check my IG all day. I was on youtube (listening to horror search and rescue story that day) most of the time.

So, I checked my timeline. I see that most of the fanacct I followed did not say anything about it.

and when I finally did check my Explore page, my heart skipped a beat.

there it was, the news.
Jonghyun found dead. Send a suicide text to his sister. Dead by CO poisining.


Of course, my initial reaction was "denial".

I have never been so in denial ...ever.

but as the hour went on, the fanaccount I followed started to post about the incident, one by one.

Reading from the Explore page was such an agony.

Zawir said, "this is worse than a band breaking up"

I, on the other hand, kept texting back "omg"

sampai Zawir pun ckp "Can you say anything else??!"

I mean, what do you want me to say?

I was so tired from a long day, all I planned on doing that night was sleep early, and then this news attacked me.

It attacked the entire Kpop world!

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?

but nothing hits hard then when SM finally post an Official statement.

Nothing, I tell you.

I also kept on saying to myself, "What the hell Jonghyun? what the hell"

I know about his struggle with Depression. He talked about it often. I know.

but

I didn't think he would give up.

I didn't think he would end up choosing this path.

I kept thinking of his mother and sister whom he was super close with. whom he protected. whom he loved. whom loved him back. Honestly, atu yg ku pikirkan yg buat aku sedih.
next I thought of SHINee member; Minho and Taemin went to his concert on 10th Dec. Onew must've blamed himself for causing such big scandal for SHINee, and Key. Key as I understand it, was in Portugal. He was on the way back last night.

Part of me was so upset he chose that. very very upset.

But mostly,

I was sorry.

Sorry that I didn't think of him much during Onew's absence.

Taemin, Key and Minho news often pop up on social media as they were busy with their schedules.

the only time I smiled for Jonghyun was when fanaccounts started posting clips and images from his Inspiration Concert.

that was it.

he just had a concert.

I didn't think he would end his life in the midst of that.

I didn't ....

Typing this post the day after. 19th Dec. at a restaurant near my office. at 8:38am coz I couldn't do anything last night.

all I did was read IG, do laundry. played Dong Yi on my DVD but only as my background music, and the last time I see the clock on my phone, it showed 2:48am

I woke up to my alarm at 6am. then another alarm went off around 6:10am, from StarPop game app.

Jonghyun voice telling me to wake up.

then it hit me again.

I remembered that my dream had been me crying in so many random places.

my heart.
you know that feeling of difficulty breathing when you started crying your heart out?
it felt that way the moment I opened my eyes.

If Brian leaving Westlife in 2004 was bad news,
Jonghyun passing is worst.

Shawol decided to turn their DM to white instead of black.
Becoz Jonghyun had been in the dark. So black is too depressing.
White is the light.

I think thats what they meant.

gosh, I could go on forever with this but what's the point?

- stopped at 9:03am coz gotta go back to work -

- SHINee Romantic and Leona Lewis Run on repeat all day -

- continue editing 9:38pm -

I'm not giving up on my life, if that's what you're worrying about.

I'm just gonna be sad.

maybe this news don't hit me as hard as it did to other Shawol, but when you're presented with such devastating news, something that didn't even cross your mind in the slightest, I think, I am allowed to be sad.

as a Shawol, especially after Onew's scandal 3 months ago, all I've been thinking about is seeing SHINee as 5.

it's all I know. SHINee is not SHINee if one member missing.

I don't remember a SHINee concert without Jonghyun. maybe he did miss a couple during his recovery from his car accident. that was like way back when he still drives his Kia Sonata? way before he bought that Lambogini. I'm not in the mood to Google actual year.

anyway, pokoknya, kalau ada SHINee concert, mestilah ada Jonghyun. he the main vocalist!

I wonder what will happened to SHINee Dome Concerts in Japan, February 2018.

SMEnt has cancelled all SM artist event since 18th Dec night. 

19th Dec is the start of the funeral service and i think it will end on 21st Dec.

i think it's fitting SHINee member to be his chief mourners; Jonghyun been telling the public that SHINee is his family.

sigh.

No, I have not cry. while I'm awake.

I dread seeing the other 4 members on the 21st Dec.

. . .

my sources are mostly from IG posts. Images screetshot by me, cropped with the IG account name that posted it.

what made my stomach churned, when I see Jonghyun's wiki page was already updated with his death date, like way before SM Statement was released.

one last screenshot. read the caption.

It's what I hoped for too but, I think he didn't want to fight anymore. 
there's also a part of me that say he didn't want to be saved.


This is all still so unreal to me.


. . .

Tell Me What To Do

Supermoon

So, last night was the appearance of a 'supermoon'

so people been talking about it

not excessively but enough to get me thinkin

about Sailor Moon instead.

"Dengan kuasa bulan, aku akan menghukum mu!"

HAHAHAHAH

I can't get over it.

. . .

I saw the moon at around 6:30pm to 7pm (while I was driving back home from work) but it was normal to me.

You see.

I watched the moon often especially during full moon.

the ambiance surrounding the night sky on a full moon is 'something'.

So, when they say the moon gonna be super big, i was excited to see it

but boy was I misled

I know they say that the moon hasn't been seen that big since 1940s but i swear I saw the big moon during the time when I was active doing taekwondo; back in 2009/2010/2011

I remembered I was soooo fascinated by it, wanted to take picture but I was driving at the time. the moon was orangey colored too (IF i remember correctly :P)

SO, yeah.

a little upset that it was not as I thought it would be.

UNLESS!

did I miss the time frame? 

did I watch too early?

should I camped outside my house and watch the moon progresses into massive orbs?

Post Worthy 7.1016

So, it's Hari Raya and you know what that means?

it's that time of the year you go visiting (which called BERAYA to) your grandma's place, cousin's place and friend's place.

you know what's more tear jerking moment than reminiscing the old times?
it's when you go Beraya but you were on your phone the entire visit.

I have a first hand experience on that.

Might as well you don't come and visit if you're gona be on your phone all the time.

Don't blame people if you no one wants to talk to you or bother to make a conversation.

don't even blame the phone.

Coz you're the human one and the decision, the choice is yours.

#PutDownYourPhone and #MakeRealConversation

Image credit to respective owners.

. . .

Question

Caution
long post.

. . .

you know that guy friend who has a girlfriend-turn-wife yang penjeles ya amat?

When Ahmad (bukan nama sebenar) begirlfriend with Sarah (bukan nama sebenar), Ahmad had been avoiding his other friends. especially yg bini2.
the other female friends was told (by the male friends of their circle of friends) that Sarah was a penjeles girlfriend.
the other female friends understand.

and then, Ahmad and Sarah got married.

So, here's a situation:

Erin posted something on social media and Ahmad liked it.
Erin got scared. Scared that Ahmad's wife Sarah would get a wrong idea.
but nothing happened (Sarah did not go and cyber attack Erin, like Erin thought Sarah would). thus, Erin ignored the like and be neutral about it.

Months had passed and Erin noticed that Ahmad liked her posts every now and then. 
Erin was no longer worrying and become curious instead.

masa becouple, you are not allowed to talk or like or heart any other girls' post on social media
but
selepas kawin, you can resume the talking, liking, hearting other girls' post?



Here's the question:

Why is that?

disclaimer: I am single AF and I'm not trying to be know it all about this kind of thing. I'm just curious.

In my understanding, if I don't want him to talk to other girls when we're dating, I certainly don't want him to talk to other girls when we're married.

Maybe it's a trust issue?
you don't trust him when he's your boyfriend
but
you trust him when he's your husband?
PLEASE UNDERSTAND: the 'He' here is the same person.

In my understanding, if I can't trust him when he's my boyfriend, why on earth did I marry him?!

Let's change POV (point of view)

Maybe he was menjaga hati the girl
Ok, he jaga my hati when he's my boyfriend
but
thought it's ok to not jaga my hati when we're married?
Isn't menjaga hati your wife more important?

I really can't do much POV on guys 


Anyway,

I'm just dead curious about this stuff.

coz from Erin's POV, she is scared that Sarah might get the wrong idea. Ahmad might thought that what he's doing is ok. but who knows what Sarah is feeling, right?

I also understand that maybe Sarah isn't getting a wrong idea coz Ahmad married her and she shouldn't be questioning his loyalty and trust him.

Another opinion of mine; Ahmad shouldn't be like that from the moment he berCouple with Sarah. He shouldn't push away his female friends in the beginning to jaga hati girlfriend but after he kawin with Sarah, resume being friends with his female friends again. it's confusing and troublesome.

but once again, I don't know why Ahmad did what he did. Maybe that's the only way he knows how to deal with it?
I just strongly believe that he could've handled it better.

because the moment Ahmad pushes his other friends (male and female) away, they also distant themselves from him. and when he tries to befriend them again, they don't want to.

can you blame them?
I understand if you push away bad influences from your life to be better
but we're friends. 
IF not the best of friends, I'm sure we're good friends of yours.
I get that you can't talk to us (female) to jaga the hati of your girlfriend but did you realize that you avoided going out with our group (have male also) too?
and now that you're married, you wanted to go back to how it was?
are you serious?

that's not how you're supposed to treat your friends.

I understand that married people have commitment but i have never met anyone, who before they were married, pushes everybody away just to keep 'the other half' happy.

that's all that I've got to say.

I could write a novel about this, believe me.

Yes, Erin is me. it's how I feel about the situation. the curiosity is mine.

Once again, I'm single and maybe I don't understand this "sacrifices".

all I can do right now is be neutral and try not to overthink. 

My positivity   It's definitely not me. it's them.

. . .

RIP Christina Grimmie

I know I never allow myself to post two posts on the same date but this one worth the mention

the video that started off my curiosity. and I became a fan of hers in an instant.



not the biggest of fan. No.
I'm just a fan of hers. I watched several more of her videoblog, even bought 2 of her songs when she released them on itunes (coz, really, I couldn't download any decent ones illegally). she wasn't sign to any record company back then.



and how proud I was when, one Saturday afternoon, I was lazying around in front of the TV and something on AXN caught my attention; The Voice, Blind Audition.
and I don't know how but Grimmie came on and I was just so proud that I actually know somebody from the internet. literally, I found her from youtube and now she's on some huge TV show, auditioning. I just knew she'd turn chairs.



I think her confidence on stage was due to the fact that she was already performing on stage before she auditioned. I forgot who but she was an opening act for some huge names; was it Demi Lovato or Selena Gomez? I don't have the energy to find the video where she mentioned this.

I think I started following her on Instagram after this (Apparently I was watching the Rerun of The Voice that time so by the time I followed her on IG, she was already third place)

I see, read or play her post but I don't 'heart' her post every single time.

So, the last post of hers that I properly read but did not heart was the one she hugged a dog and the post was about a charity.

in all honesty, I haven't heard her sing or watch her vlog in such a long time. i think the one where she mentioned she was an opening act for someone was the last of her video that I ever watched.
the only update I got from her was from her IG posts.

Poor thing. She was shot after her concert 11-Jun-2016. from what I've read, she was shot on her way to a meet and greet by a guy who after that shot himself in the head.

She was younger than me and to think I could die first.

I don't know her on personal level that I feel the need to make this post but I know of her for a while now and I'd be lying if I said I don't feel something about her passing.

I finally understand the sadness people feel towards artist passing, when Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston and just recently as well, Muhammad Ali passed away.

. . .

Feelings

Remember when I said I was a little down these past few months?
well..I just heard an old song and thought, "this describe EXACTLY how I feel"

Simple Plan - Welcome to My Life

lets quote some of the verses:

Do you ever feel like breaking down?

Do you ever feel out of place,

Like somehow you just don't belong

And no one understands you?

Do you ever wanna run away?

Do you lock yourself in your room

With the radio on turned up so loud

That no one hears you're screaming?

Do you wanna be somebody else?

Are you sick of feeling so left out?

Are you desperate to find something more

Before your life is over?

Are you stuck inside a world you hate?

Are you sick of everyone around?

With their big fake smiles and stupid lies

While deep inside you're bleeding

No one ever lied straight to your face

And no one ever stabbed you in the back

You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay

Everybody always gave you what you wanted

You never had to work it was always there

You don't know what it's like

No, you don't know what it's like

When nothing feels all right

You don't know what it's like

To be like me

To be hurt

To feel lost

To be left out in the dark

To be kicked when you're down

To feel like you've been pushed around

To be on the edge of breaking down

And no one's there to save you

No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

I know, such deep shit.

but really, this is how I feel.
I'm not even exaggerating.
the one coded in blue is how I think of other people.
I know, that is very negative of me. and very unfair to other people coz I don't know what they've gone through to be what they are just as they don't know what I'm going through.

I don't know since when but I've been saying that I am self-motivated person.
today, I realized that maybe I got that from doing my CV.
which leads me to realize that I really am not (a self-motivated person).
I just thought that I am.

I feel sorry for myself
coz no one else going to be

#ToughLove
#StrongHeart
#ToughLuck

but I guess, that's just life.

a/n: I know I said I'm gona stop posting things like this one but I think its worth the share. maybe this post will motivate other people to be better at controlling their feelings and thoughts than I do.

. . .