2 weeks of sad, and my July Bujo Theme

Hi.

First of all, I am tired.

Second of all, there's nothing I can do about it.

Which then leads me to being super upset. I couldn't even push myself to do anything else but willow in self pity. I couldn't open my journal to write down my feelings. I didn't even start my Bujo July Theme until 15th July! Imagine!

So, here's what's that look like:

I forgot who's July Theme inspired me to do mine but it wasn't AmandaRachLee. hmmm..let me just *check my History on youtube* Ok, it was from annika's leaf.

It was simple and I thought I could use a change; from drawing/coloring myself to using craft papers.

which I happened to have a lot of. 

(these two are the only one I have at the moment)

After I finished that I thought I'd be happy or temporarily so but I wasn't. 

My heart was still heavy and my eyes burned. 

to simply put, I am not happy. Not at all. Yeah I laugh out loud but only becoz I can't be upset in front of people. 

No one cares. 

No one listens.

It's not their problem.

It's mine.

and I'm ashamed to admit but my brain, it went dark. it still is. 

I'm aware of it going dark. I remind myself to not be. but it continues. 

I know people's gonna say "You're overreacting" "You're being dramatic" "it's all in your head" and I'm telling you, I am aware. I'm aware that maybe I am overreacting. Maybe I am being dramatic. Yes, it's all in my head. 

but explain this:

I was listening to EXO -  Power, the supposedly uplifting song in Kpop and one of my favorite song as well but why the hell was I thinking about is jumping of a bridge?

tell me what was that all about?

I imagine a better future, I can see them but at the same time, I'm not going anywhere. I'm stuck here. in this body. in this shell of a body. and I am not happy.

I. am. not. happy.

I. am. not.

Tell me where I can find help.

. . .

Positivity VS Negitivity

Third Day of Raya.

I have never been so care-free.

I guess I aged well. LOL Not really

Raya used to be such a stressful ordeal but this year, I barely cared.

I'm that pressured to the point that I don't want to care.

It's not because of work. 

Becoz as stressful as work gets, at the end of the day, it's what happened when you go home.

the environment at home is the most integral part of your being. 

I'm the type that shuts office off the moment I walked out of the office. Yes, I may talk about it or the people in it when I meet my freinds but non of that conversation ever been about the work itself. 

When you come home to a house full of negative vibes, that actually put more harm to your health than work could ever did.

If you can't be positive at home after a full day of negativity, then what are you going to be?

yeah yeah

It's all come down to how you react to things.

but everybody has their limits.

There is only so much patient in ones body.

 . . .

Guess who's Back?

Hi guys

I am late! 

I was supposed to post something on April 1st but I was just not rajin enough to on my laptop to do so.

Thus, here I am, April 7th.

Tomorrow's gonna be a touchy day and being me, I might forgot about it. So, that's a good thing.

I've been trying to read again.

I got thru a few chapters of Patrick Ness - More Than This.
up till chapter two, the story line reminds me of Constantine, the movie, where Keanu was in the parallel hell world scene. 
currently my book mark is in chapter three.

I also got thru a few couple of chapters on AFF; 
a story by Peanutbuttercup, called Water Lily. Click here if you are interested to read them. I'm not sure if you have to log in to read that but give it a try. ;) I don't call her story 'a fanfic' becoz her style of writing is beyond that. She's an awesome writer. So go and check it out, tell her Vengeance sent you xD

Usually, when I started reading, I become so in my bubble. 
and apparently that is bad for the society.

*mata ke atas*

but society can suck it

coz at the end of the day, I'm gonna have to take care of myself.

Also,

I've been trying to write.
I've wrote (checked Word)
*ketawa dulu*
hahahahaha
I must've love the number two. coz, I wrote two chapters baru. 
hahaha
it's still stagnant in chapter three. :P

I wanted to write and read again and I have this notion; I should just 'start'.
no matter how little the progress is, it is still a progress.

I wana feel like I have something more to do with my life after work.

I don't want to always feel like I need to go home just to scroll thru all my social media on my phone.

There has to be more.

I wanted more.

I just typed 'hope I will be myself again' and deleted it.

It made me wonder, 

who am I?

Coz I don't really know anymore.

I've been reading quotes where they say "it is ok if you are not who you are a year ago. becoz that's just mean, you are growing"
but
there's also this scene from Khloe's Revenge Body episode where a participant was trying to be his old self again coz the he now is so withdrawn from the world and became anti-social.

So, is the me now better or not?
I feel like I'm not better.
I feel so stagnant like my third Chapter. 
I feel like, I need to be my old self back to move forward.

The old me usually have so much to do during the night that doesn't involve scrolling thru social media on her phone.
Some nights, she would write. another night, she would read. other nights, she would try and do some fancy DIY on her journal.

that's the me that I wanted to be again.

I just want to have that creative momentum going again.

coz the me now is not really feeling good on the inside.

. . .

December 18th

December 18th, 2017.

A Monday.

It had been a long time since I last had my 'Monday Blues'. while other people have Monday Blues, I have Busy Bee Monday.

I came to work on the dot and had already set my mind into 'work' mode. Meaning, no matter what happened; lots of customers, lots of transactions, "I'm gona get thru the day head on!"

and then the day end. I was just getting into my car when I saw a text from my bespren, "JONGHYUN DIED??"
confused and a little insulted, I texted back, "Whaaaaaaa"

Time was 7:24pm.

He told me to check IG.

I had not check my IG all day. I was on youtube (listening to horror search and rescue story that day) most of the time.

So, I checked my timeline. I see that most of the fanacct I followed did not say anything about it.

and when I finally did check my Explore page, my heart skipped a beat.

there it was, the news.
Jonghyun found dead. Send a suicide text to his sister. Dead by CO poisining.


Of course, my initial reaction was "denial".

I have never been so in denial ...ever.

but as the hour went on, the fanaccount I followed started to post about the incident, one by one.

Reading from the Explore page was such an agony.

Zawir said, "this is worse than a band breaking up"

I, on the other hand, kept texting back "omg"

sampai Zawir pun ckp "Can you say anything else??!"

I mean, what do you want me to say?

I was so tired from a long day, all I planned on doing that night was sleep early, and then this news attacked me.

It attacked the entire Kpop world!

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?

but nothing hits hard then when SM finally post an Official statement.

Nothing, I tell you.

I also kept on saying to myself, "What the hell Jonghyun? what the hell"

I know about his struggle with Depression. He talked about it often. I know.

but

I didn't think he would give up.

I didn't think he would end up choosing this path.

I kept thinking of his mother and sister whom he was super close with. whom he protected. whom he loved. whom loved him back. Honestly, atu yg ku pikirkan yg buat aku sedih.
next I thought of SHINee member; Minho and Taemin went to his concert on 10th Dec. Onew must've blamed himself for causing such big scandal for SHINee, and Key. Key as I understand it, was in Portugal. He was on the way back last night.

Part of me was so upset he chose that. very very upset.

But mostly,

I was sorry.

Sorry that I didn't think of him much during Onew's absence.

Taemin, Key and Minho news often pop up on social media as they were busy with their schedules.

the only time I smiled for Jonghyun was when fanaccounts started posting clips and images from his Inspiration Concert.

that was it.

he just had a concert.

I didn't think he would end his life in the midst of that.

I didn't ....

Typing this post the day after. 19th Dec. at a restaurant near my office. at 8:38am coz I couldn't do anything last night.

all I did was read IG, do laundry. played Dong Yi on my DVD but only as my background music, and the last time I see the clock on my phone, it showed 2:48am

I woke up to my alarm at 6am. then another alarm went off around 6:10am, from StarPop game app.

Jonghyun voice telling me to wake up.

then it hit me again.

I remembered that my dream had been me crying in so many random places.

my heart.
you know that feeling of difficulty breathing when you started crying your heart out?
it felt that way the moment I opened my eyes.

If Brian leaving Westlife in 2004 was bad news,
Jonghyun passing is worst.

Shawol decided to turn their DM to white instead of black.
Becoz Jonghyun had been in the dark. So black is too depressing.
White is the light.

I think thats what they meant.

gosh, I could go on forever with this but what's the point?

- stopped at 9:03am coz gotta go back to work -

- SHINee Romantic and Leona Lewis Run on repeat all day -

- continue editing 9:38pm -

I'm not giving up on my life, if that's what you're worrying about.

I'm just gonna be sad.

maybe this news don't hit me as hard as it did to other Shawol, but when you're presented with such devastating news, something that didn't even cross your mind in the slightest, I think, I am allowed to be sad.

as a Shawol, especially after Onew's scandal 3 months ago, all I've been thinking about is seeing SHINee as 5.

it's all I know. SHINee is not SHINee if one member missing.

I don't remember a SHINee concert without Jonghyun. maybe he did miss a couple during his recovery from his car accident. that was like way back when he still drives his Kia Sonata? way before he bought that Lambogini. I'm not in the mood to Google actual year.

anyway, pokoknya, kalau ada SHINee concert, mestilah ada Jonghyun. he the main vocalist!

I wonder what will happened to SHINee Dome Concerts in Japan, February 2018.

SMEnt has cancelled all SM artist event since 18th Dec night. 

19th Dec is the start of the funeral service and i think it will end on 21st Dec.

i think it's fitting SHINee member to be his chief mourners; Jonghyun been telling the public that SHINee is his family.

sigh.

No, I have not cry. while I'm awake.

I dread seeing the other 4 members on the 21st Dec.

. . .

my sources are mostly from IG posts. Images screetshot by me, cropped with the IG account name that posted it.

what made my stomach churned, when I see Jonghyun's wiki page was already updated with his death date, like way before SM Statement was released.

one last screenshot. read the caption.

It's what I hoped for too but, I think he didn't want to fight anymore. 
there's also a part of me that say he didn't want to be saved.


This is all still so unreal to me.


. . .

Tell Me What To Do