December 18th

December 18th, 2017.

A Monday.

It had been a long time since I last had my 'Monday Blues'. while other people have Monday Blues, I have Busy Bee Monday.

I came to work on the dot and had already set my mind into 'work' mode. Meaning, no matter what happened; lots of customers, lots of transactions, "I'm gona get thru the day head on!"

and then the day end. I was just getting into my car when I saw a text from my bespren, "JONGHYUN DIED??"
confused and a little insulted, I texted back, "Whaaaaaaa"

Time was 7:24pm.

He told me to check IG.

I had not check my IG all day. I was on youtube (listening to horror search and rescue story that day) most of the time.

So, I checked my timeline. I see that most of the fanacct I followed did not say anything about it.

and when I finally did check my Explore page, my heart skipped a beat.

there it was, the news.
Jonghyun found dead. Send a suicide text to his sister. Dead by CO poisining.


Of course, my initial reaction was "denial".

I have never been so in denial ...ever.

but as the hour went on, the fanaccount I followed started to post about the incident, one by one.

Reading from the Explore page was such an agony.

Zawir said, "this is worse than a band breaking up"

I, on the other hand, kept texting back "omg"

sampai Zawir pun ckp "Can you say anything else??!"

I mean, what do you want me to say?

I was so tired from a long day, all I planned on doing that night was sleep early, and then this news attacked me.

It attacked the entire Kpop world!

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?

but nothing hits hard then when SM finally post an Official statement.

Nothing, I tell you.

I also kept on saying to myself, "What the hell Jonghyun? what the hell"

I know about his struggle with Depression. He talked about it often. I know.

but

I didn't think he would give up.

I didn't think he would end up choosing this path.

I kept thinking of his mother and sister whom he was super close with. whom he protected. whom he loved. whom loved him back. Honestly, atu yg ku pikirkan yg buat aku sedih.
next I thought of SHINee member; Minho and Taemin went to his concert on 10th Dec. Onew must've blamed himself for causing such big scandal for SHINee, and Key. Key as I understand it, was in Portugal. He was on the way back last night.

Part of me was so upset he chose that. very very upset.

But mostly,

I was sorry.

Sorry that I didn't think of him much during Onew's absence.

Taemin, Key and Minho news often pop up on social media as they were busy with their schedules.

the only time I smiled for Jonghyun was when fanaccounts started posting clips and images from his Inspiration Concert.

that was it.

he just had a concert.

I didn't think he would end his life in the midst of that.

I didn't ....

Typing this post the day after. 19th Dec. at a restaurant near my office. at 8:38am coz I couldn't do anything last night.

all I did was read IG, do laundry. played Dong Yi on my DVD but only as my background music, and the last time I see the clock on my phone, it showed 2:48am

I woke up to my alarm at 6am. then another alarm went off around 6:10am, from StarPop game app.

Jonghyun voice telling me to wake up.

then it hit me again.

I remembered that my dream had been me crying in so many random places.

my heart.
you know that feeling of difficulty breathing when you started crying your heart out?
it felt that way the moment I opened my eyes.

If Brian leaving Westlife in 2004 was bad news,
Jonghyun passing is worst.

Shawol decided to turn their DM to white instead of black.
Becoz Jonghyun had been in the dark. So black is too depressing.
White is the light.

I think thats what they meant.

gosh, I could go on forever with this but what's the point?

- stopped at 9:03am coz gotta go back to work -

- SHINee Romantic and Leona Lewis Run on repeat all day -

- continue editing 9:38pm -

I'm not giving up on my life, if that's what you're worrying about.

I'm just gonna be sad.

maybe this news don't hit me as hard as it did to other Shawol, but when you're presented with such devastating news, something that didn't even cross your mind in the slightest, I think, I am allowed to be sad.

as a Shawol, especially after Onew's scandal 3 months ago, all I've been thinking about is seeing SHINee as 5.

it's all I know. SHINee is not SHINee if one member missing.

I don't remember a SHINee concert without Jonghyun. maybe he did miss a couple during his recovery from his car accident. that was like way back when he still drives his Kia Sonata? way before he bought that Lambogini. I'm not in the mood to Google actual year.

anyway, pokoknya, kalau ada SHINee concert, mestilah ada Jonghyun. he the main vocalist!

I wonder what will happened to SHINee Dome Concerts in Japan, February 2018.

SMEnt has cancelled all SM artist event since 18th Dec night. 

19th Dec is the start of the funeral service and i think it will end on 21st Dec.

i think it's fitting SHINee member to be his chief mourners; Jonghyun been telling the public that SHINee is his family.

sigh.

No, I have not cry. while I'm awake.

I dread seeing the other 4 members on the 21st Dec.

. . .

my sources are mostly from IG posts. Images screetshot by me, cropped with the IG account name that posted it.

what made my stomach churned, when I see Jonghyun's wiki page was already updated with his death date, like way before SM Statement was released.

one last screenshot. read the caption.

It's what I hoped for too but, I think he didn't want to fight anymore. 
there's also a part of me that say he didn't want to be saved.


This is all still so unreal to me.


. . .

Tell Me What To Do

Hannah Montana 2.016

I thought I've watched the entire Hannah Montana series.

turns out, I only watch up until half way thru season 3 (HM has four seasons).

So, since the 2nd night of Raya until the 3rd night, I've been watching Season 4 (called Hannah Montana Forever) and I was hit with a realization that I know all the HMF songs (coz I bought the OST album) but never actually watch the episodes.

Google is such a good bestfriend at this time of need. ٩◔‿◔۶


I was almost teary for the final episode, Actually, season 4 is really very touchy from start to finish. 
Coz, it's the final season atu kali. 
plus, it's when Miley started to realize that she can't have the best of both world at the same time anymore. and everything just went from a tear falling to crying buckets moment after that (no actually tears were harm. I just have a lot of feels).


I'll Always Remember You (the most elaborate flashback/reminiscing clip in history. EVER)


Wherever I Go (awesome fanmade clips)



I shall rerun the entire series soon. 

for now, I should get some shut eyes.

it's been a looonnngggg day.

. . .

Not my plan tonight

I wasn't planning on crying tonight

but

I did.

all thanks to this.



I opened my youtube tab and somehow this video was the first I clicked on (must be that 'recommended for you' thingy, coz Kirstin from Pentatonix was in it).

I wasn't so keen about the Tangled's song. I like that song, don't get me wrong but what really got me was the song from Tarzan (You'll Be In My Heart sang Phil Collins) and Hercules (Go The Distance sang by Michael Bolton).
I LOVE these two songs. It's very near to my heart. *make hearts shape with hands, macam kpop artists often did xD)
I rarely hear people covered these songs. in fact, this is the very first time I hear it. Like, *a million thumbs up*

the background singers give you chill~~ *goosebump*

I've always love Choir, I was in a choir group once. I wasn't picked, I volunteered myself (coz, my voice not really pretty, you see). hahaha

Here's one comment from the video I bothered to capture




ahahaha sekali nya ingat cemana kn make edit using paint. LOL

anyhoo, I was supposed to be asleep like two hours ago. 

ah well, what is sleep?

. . .

Disappointment

I finally found this 'Egg' case I was once tagged on FB.

but when I finally bought and trying to wait patiently for it to be processed and shipped, the Seller decided to send me this

I was devastated.

I am not even joking.

I really wanted this case.

and the Seller had the nerve to ask me to choose another?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! (┛◉Д◉)┛彡┻━┻

I browse thru their 'store' and of course, find nothing that interest me.

Now, I've made my decision (after 20 minutes) that I'm going to cancel the transaction.

or let it auto cancelled. 

muahahah!

what I don't understand is that, if it's out of stock, why is it up in the store?!
щ(ಥДಥщ)
like, why are you sooooo deceivinggggg????

I'm just gona willow in self pity now. 

. . .

a/n: this would be the third time AliExpress disappoints me. I'm gonna stick with eBay from today onwards. Goodbye, AliExpress, you suck! (╹◡╹)凸

. . .

Here come the ... spam

sorta.

hahah I told myself that I wouldn't be looking for fancams and I didn't.
Not really.
I was actually looking for a video showing the 'ocean color' during this song but found this video instead. 



cr: Kpop Boygroup 

I was surprise the boys didn't cry coz I did. I mean, argh. Shawol is awesome. 

I saw first the still image of the ocean 

and moments later i saw someone posted a video showing the ocean changed colors (Onew:Green, Jonghyun: Red, Key: Pink, Minho:Blue and Taemin: Yellow. it has been their color to indicate themselves since the 1st SHINee World concert) according to who sang during that song. It was such an amazing feeling. I would have cried a river if I was actually there. 

too bad I wasn't but I still cried. LOL

I am such a cry baby these days. and that reminds me of Usagi a.k.a Sailormoon. hahah

ah well.. point of this post is that, shawol is awesome. I couldn't find the video. maybe I Googled it wrong, I don't know. 
I guess I need to give this some times, coz let's face it, they need time to properly upload their precious fancams for us, not so lucky Shawol, to watch and leave reviews.

for now, enjoy SHINee singing live at Tokyo Dome. ;)

edited after browsing IG some more and came across explanation from urg yg actually went to the concert.

as it turned out, the Special Edition watch light memang especially design to change colors during performance. patut pun drg inda nangis. mcm, it's been planned/prepared/designed/pokoknya drg tau sudah lah. LOL ah well..feelings gone~

touch tah apa ku dsana atu...hahaha 
. . .

Korean folk song

was watching Immortal Song 2 on KBS World late Saturday afternoon.

the theme for that episode was Korean Folk Song.

I wasn't actually planning to watch that show..I was playing games on my phone when the show started
but the first singer started singing, and I was hooked and actually watched the whole show. ahaha

Immortal Song is, to me, and awesome show to show case some of the Kpop artists (Yesung, Jonghyun, Taemin, Luna, and currently Hyoyeon from SMTown had been in that show. Ailee been there too. and that Hyorin kh? the one who sang Let It Go Korean ver also) ability to sing. at the same time, I found out singers that aren't that popular but should be.

I fell in love Sohyang performance for Arirang Alone.
note: pls skip to 2:10 of the video, that's when she start. unless you don't mind watching the whole thing. hahah


 

my reaction was quite similar to everything that you saw from that video clip. I cried at the end. LOL


and for Sohee's the Boatman's Song.
note: for this want, you can skip to 1:39 for the song.



was she like, yodeling? sounds like it, right?
I really like her dress. 
she's 19 and being able to rock that folk song is like, awesome. I can't even sing our own folk song without feeling a tat bit embarass and outdated. LOL sorry my country. I love you no matter what though. LOL
I saw once of her documentary. She was younger then. and somewhat the youngest prodigy of Korean folk song singer. I am no expert but she's good.

i applaused loud when they were done. macam aku liat live jua lah dsana atu. hahaha I was feeling it. 

I should watch the next episode of Immortal Song.
and I think our KBS is a tat bit behind the real scheduling. maybe Music Bank is on time but the rest of the show is not.
I thought about this because, right after the Immortal Song on TV finishes, I was browsing Instagram (as always) and saw a few video post of Immortal Song 2 with Hyoyeon of SNSD in it. like, I watched the entire episode but there was no Hyoyeon on TV but how come on IG got post like that? 
Not that aku rajin kan browse or dig further, I'll just be happy with still having a Korean channel on our cable. LOL 

alright, enough rambling.
till the next post .. 

. . .

me right at this moment

SHINee Live at Tokyo Dome today.

 and also tomorrow.

Lucky Shawol be like

and then there was me.

Tunggu drg smpi ke Singapore again. I will make myself go there even if i had to swim a hundred rivers, climb a thousand walls. I will be there. (hahaha! oba~ )

Photos and GIF credit to respective owners. I'm just sharing your awesome creations. :)


. . .

Happy For Sungmin

I was 'cleaning' my external HD last Saturday, 13th Dec

and I came across the only episode of TvN TAXI that I had; Sungmin, Luna and Jessica were in it. 

I was a little upset seeing Jessica there; listening to her talk about her trainee days with SNSD. You all know how she got kicked out few weeks ago, right? So, yeah. She's my least fav in SNSD btw. ahaha surprise2 for me to be feeling sad about her not being a SNSD member anymore. 

anyway, long story short, I finished cleaning and went on to browse IG on my phone. then I saw it.

Someone (a fanaccount) post Sungmin's wedding picture. 

I completely forgotten all about it. seeing him on TAXI only reminded me of how he used to be one of my fav in SuJu.

and then I cried.

Tears of happiness. 

really, it was of happiness. like how I feel when I saw Nicky's and Shane's wedding pictures.

I think these idols deserve happiness.
I know I said this idol is my future husband and what not
but let's be real for a sec. I. don't. have. a. fcuking. chance. with. them. EVER.
hahaha awu, sadar ku. 
it's just fun having something to be obsessed with, you know. (It gives me something to think about other than why am I still single. or something. hahaha)
oh well, the new obsess fans don't understand this, yet. But trust me, as you get older, when your perspective changed, then you'll understand my feelings. 
their happiness will be yours too.
and most importantly, YOU DON'T FREAKING OWN THEM. 
YES. I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU! YOU DELUSIONAL FREAK!
hahaha 
I'm just pissed that some fans had the nerve to comment on the other SuJu members IG posts on how upset they were that Sungmin got married. Like, are you fcuking kidding me?
How would you feel, on the happiest day of your life, someone claimed that your happiness made them suffer? like, is this even relevant?
Is me getting pissed over this even relevant?
hahahah
I guess I spent too much time 'hanging out' on the social networks.
I need to get out more.

anyway, Congratulation Sungmin! wish you all the happiness in the world. Saranghae!

. . .

Movie Marathon

So, I went movie outing last Thursday and Friday.

Thursday night I watched MockingJay part1 with Faizah. she bawa me along with her company outing actually. Free what. LOL

and I so love the movie! like, I can't even begin to tell you how much! A+++

Now I have to wait for the second part which will be out on Nov 2015. I hope they change the date to earliest possible. like, next month. hahaha I am that impatient.

On Friday, i watched MockingJay part1 again with Zawir. 
still an awesome movie to watch for the second time! 

and after that we watched Big Hero 6.

I wanted to watch the damn thing becoz my sister and brother recommended it. they said, 'Baymax is cute!' 'Awesome lah'. Baymax is cute alright. but the part yg aku sakit hati was how I was almost crying in two/three scenes! awesome apanya?! sedih polangggg.. 
but ok lah. it was an awesome movie to watch. I love how the city of San Fransisco was merged with Tokyo in that movie. Muka durang urg puteh, tapi nama durang Japanese (not all characters). annoyed ku awal2, but towards the end, it didn't even matter. it's just a name. A++ for action pack cartoon!! 

Next?

I WANNA WATCH MOCKINGJAY PART 2 NOW!!!

. . .

10th Sep

I have turned 27!!!

no, i wasn't that excited but I'm sure as hell not going to deny it anymore.

LOL
anyhoo..

utk memulakn cerita, I just wana share a short version of how my day went on during the 10th of Sep.

it didn't start off well. I spent half my morning at the workshop 

coz my car broke down the night before. but even that wasn't all bad; I finished reading my book The Moment Collector by Jodi Lynn Anderson that day (which is a very rare accomplishment these days).
and since it was my birthday, my family members were generous and gave me money as birthday present, as a way to pay for my broken (now fixed) car. I can stop saying 'alhamdulillah'. I was somewhat lucky that day despite the broken (now fixed) car. SO thank you family members! I love you!

then, during dinner, I was given a birthday surprise by two beloved friends; Bazilah and Zawir. I cried. and I got lovely presents from them too. thank you lovelies.

pastu, we spent some 'wasting time till 1am' time at the empire. did you know you can just walk in there eventhough you are not guest at the hotel? No? well, now you do. 

all in all, it was a good birthday. I wouldn't wanna have it any other way.

thank you all.

a/n: my birthday present to my self came early; Harry Potter diary and a Anchor casing (bought from eBay). Love it. xD

 

. . .

Failing isn't forever

So, I failed again and was very sad about it.

I thought I've tried my best but I guess my best isn't good enough.

My sister said, 'Redha'. and I just nodded. 

I was said for a few hours on Saturday and indulged myself with food from Mr. Baker. 

It was supposed to be a celebration food but oh well...

Now that I've been given a clearer picture of what I should do next, I'm going to, as the Robinson said, 'Keep Moving Forward'. I'm still trying to consult myself to not look back even though its a tat bit hard to do.

I guess, as long as I'm not still here, right?

a/n: listening to Westlife - Try Again.

Sigh

Remember how I was so excited about the SMTown concert in August? I am no longer in that phase.

I have finally decided that I didn't wana go to Seoul for the SMTown concert and just wait for the next SHINee World Concert 3.

Well, that dream kinda crash and burn.

Not because I don't want to go, but because they (SHINee/SMEnt) announced that SHINee World Concert 3 in Jakarta will be the final concert in the series.

They announced it during the concert (and I found out thru Twitter).

I duno if I should be relief or complete depress.

Relief because now Onew can really rest well.

Completely depress because; BILA TAH KU KAN JUMPA cONEW NI?!

I think durang make the Jakarta one the last concert pasal cOnew. kan he's recovering from his throat surgery. maybe he can not recover dalam masa terdekat ani. So, instead of postponing the concerts, they decided to finish it early. Lagi pun, they've traveled to South America for the concert too. I guess that covers the concert 'quotas' or something.

this theory is purely untuk menyamankan rasa hati ku.

-_-

So sad. I was told by 'beloved' friend's' to save money for the upcoming SWC3, thinking of going to the one in Singapore if they planned on bringing the concert there.

but I guess ... Not.

SIGH~

Inda ku tau kan cakap apa lagi. I am lost for words.

A/N: I miss Onew.

I know he's just a fictional character in my head but not seeing him with the other SHINee members is just, not complete.

. . .

MIB3

I watched this last Saturday on 26th May.

I was never a big fan of MIB since it's first movie, So I wasn't  really expecting much. klu bukn psl cWill Smith, malas th ku..ahaha

I remember laughing at one scene but I forgot already which one. I think it was because Will Smith was so funny in it. (bila jua inda kn?)

Jalan ceta nya, ok lah..yg part ujung skali tu sja touchy berabis. Kan nangis bah ku..

aku bagi movie ani B+ lah..

sukur th...

. . .

Movies

halo

it's been a while kn aku review movies.

it's not too late to start again. hehe

1st Dec.
watched Ombak Rindu with cFaizah.


I was all, 'argh' 'puhlease' msa awal2, but as the movie went on, aku jadi emosi da.. -__- ahaha aku masih ingat2 lupa part yg aku kn menangis atu..though I'm pretty sure it was that part yg cHarris ckp ya gantung cIzzah. tapi aku tahan air mata ku, control cool lah tu..LOL! wth..
p yg scene cIzzah and cMila girl talk atu cali berabis lah..kn kami msa tu liat sma colleagues kmi, yatah ia ani penyeluru..ketawa ku smpi kluar air mata wah! ahahaha psl apa tu nah? 'R' cMila...ahahah oh my gawd..tulah ni krg...
anyhoo, overall, ok lah movie ani. I know aku pernah bca dulu (zaman2 highschool) tapi lupa banar ku. tym liat movie atu, satu pun nada ku tclick..*shrugged* B lah ku bagi..



10th Dec.
watched Arthur Christmas wit cSimah.


AWESOME!!
I know ceta nya tu kiut and cali. p ikut kn ati ku, inda plang ku kn meliat dwyg. kn nunggu DVD sja. but lucky I did.
part yg cali; awal2 movie atu and it was not even about the movie. ada urg dblakang kami atu, dgn confidentnya menyabut 'Ardam' msa word 'Aardman' appeared rh screen atu..ahahaah!
part yg AWESOME; Elfs nya mcm army. cool! ^.^V
part yg kluar air mata; final scene, cArthur hugged bapanya and what he said there.

A!! just becoz...LOL! no lah..psl aku bnr2 nangis ujung2 atu..menghayati berabis dh ku tu movie ah..Elf nya lagi kiut.

i know I've watched alot more before these two tapi..biar lah..i don't really remember aku punya reaction msa liat movie2 atu..

. . .