Productivity

Last last weekend, I decided to delete my new Story (well, not so new) I posted on AFF (stands for Asianfanfics.com if you don't already know).

I posted this last chapter

and as you can see, I was informing my 4 subscribers that I'm deleting the story soon.

but the next morning, when I opened my AFF tab, I saw someone subscribed to my story.
I was supposed to delete it in a few hours but I posted the above late and faktor umur, I slept earlier than I planned to and had to do it the next morning.
As any writer would be, I was happy and had a second thought about deleting the story.

So,
I reread the story (the one that I already posted).

and I was surprised.
I was actually doing pretty good (if I can say so myself).
I say this because I've been telling myself that my layout or how I laid the words are crappy.
the fact that I only have 4 subscribers since I published it on 5th Apr 2015, makes me believe that I'm a crappy writer.

but as I was reading the second chapter, I thought to myself, "This is actually pretty good"
well, not JK Rowling good but you know, good enough for me and I'm actually satisfied with what I have posted.

then, I wondered, why was I so negative before?

I guess, it was the same issue that I had here, in blogspot
I was thinking too much about what other people think or how they would take this or how many comments I would get.
The fact that people are all over EXO in fanfics right now and all the older SHINee fans isn't on AFF anymore, demotivate me to continue posting my story.
the fact that I was lazy and procrastinating af isn't helping either.
I think too much about what other people think.
I should go back to being me and post what I want and how I want to.

Seriously, 
I need to take my own advise into accounts these days.
I've been EVERYWHERE.
as in, my mind isn't here nor there. same goes to my heart.
I don't know.
I need to keep it all together.
I need to get back up and be me.

In regards to my AFF story, I'm going to hide it from public views until such time when I am ready to properly commit to regularly update it.

. . .

disclaimer: I'm not saying I'm going to change straight away. this thing needs time and patient. and I'm trying. please be proud of me trying to better myself instead of judging on how I do things. As i posted once on Facebook, "Just because I'm doing it my way, doesn't mean that I'm doing it wrong"

. . .

Oops, I did it again

I played with your heart,
got lost in this game,
Oo baby baby!
Oops you think I'm in love 
That I'm sent from above~
I'm not that innocent

*laugh out loud*
(font in red coz of Britney's outfit in that mv was red :P)

I got carried away~
Sorry not sorry

hi everyone,
welcome back.

I know, it's been a week! or so, since my last post
and I'm supposed to be posting frequently 'in honor of celebrating my 8th anniversary with blogspot'

*roll eyes*

That celebratory related post is still on, 
just not on today's post.

*ketawa some more*

today, I wana share this thing that popped up on my compose page just now.




and when I clicked 'Learn More', this pop up




if you malas to read, let me tell you some keywords;
Revive, re-share and spotlight.

turned out the post was made Dec 2015. Like, how are you popping up right now? on 4th Aug 2016?!

and then *BAM! it hit me

YOU STALKER!
you've been reading my blog, didn't you?!

(kan my last posts about me reposting/resharing my old posts) 

hahaha stalker blogspot ani~ creep~

as lovely as that suggestion was, it won't be very productive with my post counts.

So, thank you blogspot for the suggestion but no, thank you.

I got stomachache now,
gotta go!
byeeeeee


. . .

a/n: I've been watching too much youtube vloggers to be making intro and ending like this hahahahahahaahaha (LOL-ing forever)

Feelings

Remember when I said I was a little down these past few months?
well..I just heard an old song and thought, "this describe EXACTLY how I feel"

Simple Plan - Welcome to My Life

lets quote some of the verses:

Do you ever feel like breaking down?

Do you ever feel out of place,

Like somehow you just don't belong

And no one understands you?

Do you ever wanna run away?

Do you lock yourself in your room

With the radio on turned up so loud

That no one hears you're screaming?

Do you wanna be somebody else?

Are you sick of feeling so left out?

Are you desperate to find something more

Before your life is over?

Are you stuck inside a world you hate?

Are you sick of everyone around?

With their big fake smiles and stupid lies

While deep inside you're bleeding

No one ever lied straight to your face

And no one ever stabbed you in the back

You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay

Everybody always gave you what you wanted

You never had to work it was always there

You don't know what it's like

No, you don't know what it's like

When nothing feels all right

You don't know what it's like

To be like me

To be hurt

To feel lost

To be left out in the dark

To be kicked when you're down

To feel like you've been pushed around

To be on the edge of breaking down

And no one's there to save you

No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

I know, such deep shit.

but really, this is how I feel.
I'm not even exaggerating.
the one coded in blue is how I think of other people.
I know, that is very negative of me. and very unfair to other people coz I don't know what they've gone through to be what they are just as they don't know what I'm going through.

I don't know since when but I've been saying that I am self-motivated person.
today, I realized that maybe I got that from doing my CV.
which leads me to realize that I really am not (a self-motivated person).
I just thought that I am.

I feel sorry for myself
coz no one else going to be

#ToughLove
#StrongHeart
#ToughLuck

but I guess, that's just life.

a/n: I know I said I'm gona stop posting things like this one but I think its worth the share. maybe this post will motivate other people to be better at controlling their feelings and thoughts than I do.

. . .

Girl Power

Hello 
before we proceed with our main topic,
some other 'net' topics worth mentioning;

1. First of May most posted:

"It's gonna be May"

2. Fourth of May most posted:

"May the Fourth be with you"

it's 5th of May now and I know, 'ko terlambat roy~' ^o^

oh well < (^^,) >

So today's choice of topic is 
(wait for it) 
Meghan Trainor.

our power lady is well known for her All About That Bass single.
a song that talks about how it's ok if you have flabby skins on you. you shouldn't be sad about it. not all men love skinny bitches, stick figure barbie doll. and it's ok to tell him to 'move along' if your 'big' size is not his type.
in Brunei my size is kinda normal but the baju yg kena sale here are always Japanese-size small. even the one yg ckp 'free size' is actualy just meant 'free size for all the small-size body'.
for a girl who is not a 'size 2' like myself, this song is like a therapy.

her next song yg I'm attracted to is Lips Are Movin
I don't know what this song really means. Maybe it means she knows his a playa and she was cautious about everything that he said to her.
this song reminds me of a certain 'org gila' who broke my heart and make the skeptic that I am today towards sweet-talker guy.

next song: Dear Future Husband.
this song is like a letter to the future husband listing down things on what he should do, what he should know about the future wife, and how the things that she wants are pretty simple.
this song makes me realize that it's ok to demand things from your future husband. I think what caught into liking this song is that part when she sang 'I never learn to cook'  ^o^
hahaha 
if a guy is allowed to list down what his 'ideal' wife should be like, than a lady can do it too.

the last and final song about this power lady; NO



the songs talk about getting a man is not a priority and it's ok to say NO.
Know what you want, when you want it and when you don't.


Now, after elaborating the meaning of selected songs of Ms Trainor,
I'm going to talk about why this particular topic is made today.

a local radio DJ was introducing this song when it made to his Top20 chart one weekend.
He was introducing her song alright but towards the end, he was talking shit.
He said something about Trainor being an 'attention seeker' with her choice of words in her lyrics even from her previous top hit songs. 
So, I'm guessing, he's not too happy when Trainor:
1. dissing skinny people, 2. dissing a playa not being faithful, 3. demanding too much out of her future husband.
hmmm...
You know I over think on a lot of things and you bet I have something to say about this DJ.
He's probably the kind who is against women being in control, who know what they want, and not afraid to speak up their mind. 
Ok, maybe 'against' is a strong word but the way he said it during that time, he made it sound like what Trainor said in her song is wrong.
So, what? Trainor should be like the rest of the other female singer yg sang about being submissive towards men? is that it?
my goodness, what era is he in? 
if this is not what he meant then he's the one yg attention seeking on air. 
or maybe I'm just pissed at how very nonconstructive his criticism was. I just taught being a DJ, you're supposed to be neutral or something that even when you're about to judge people, you need to be constructive with your words. tsk
I used to love his show (coz it plays all the latest songs mostly) but becoz of his stupid comment, I don't even like it when I heard his voice doing an 'iklan'

damn!
I'm not even a fanatic of Meghan Trainor to be making such long post.
I just love her songs.

do your homework before you go to work, man! don't just sprout hateful things like that. seriously. 
there's a different between attention seeking and inspirational.

Meghan Trainor is inspirational.

and you, mister DJ, you're the kind of person she made the song about.

. . .

Misleading

this had been in my 'blog post related' folder for quite sometimes.

since I'm so good at procastinating kan, when I saw it today, I decided I just post it right away.

it's a picture I took off from our local newspaper.

it says; New Story from JK Rowling.

how deceiving.

it's not even a story. it's just a a section in the Daily Prophet (a Harry Potter world's newspaper). and everybody who's anybody (yg minat/obsess kan Harry Potter ani) would know yg it's not a new story. It's just AN UPDATE of what is going on with Harry Potter's life 'right now'. 
and Pottermore (as in Potter More) is still about Harry Potter. an upgraded version of the books with far more info that was not mentioned in the book or movie. Point is, ladies and gentleman, it's still about Harry Potter.

maybe this people (who buat news article in the local paper) should 'study' more before they posted anything. and this isn't the first time they made a title that is wrong or misleading either. (one of the reason why aku malas kan baca newspaper these days but I had to coz kata Will Smith, 'You've got to know').

hahaha kadang2, aku rasa I got all heat up over trivia things like this is because this "trivia" things had been half of my life and I feel so insulted when people conveyed it wrong. #ThatsHowIRoll #LOL

a/n: Potterhead for life!

. . .

Failing isn't forever

So, I failed again and was very sad about it.

I thought I've tried my best but I guess my best isn't good enough.

My sister said, 'Redha'. and I just nodded. 

I was said for a few hours on Saturday and indulged myself with food from Mr. Baker. 

It was supposed to be a celebration food but oh well...

Now that I've been given a clearer picture of what I should do next, I'm going to, as the Robinson said, 'Keep Moving Forward'. I'm still trying to consult myself to not look back even though its a tat bit hard to do.

I guess, as long as I'm not still here, right?

a/n: listening to Westlife - Try Again.

Emotions

Emotions run high today. or rather, kemarin.

It was the final day before the half-yearly bank closing etc plus we were all anxious about finishing our workload in fear that on Saturday would be the public holiday for Ramadhan.

Rude words were exchanged. Snide remarks shouted everywhere. Particularly from this woman from another unit. I admit that it was partly because of me being 'serious' to her. and when I was raising my voice to my juniors, 'the' woman screamed back to me. Well, she had her back at me but I knew it was meant for me. Macam, dude! Terasa plang di sana atu!
Panas lah hati ku. Malu pasal, luan jua inda betauliahnya bekeraja ani? I know tani satu department, tapi meneriaki cematu atu (walau cemana stress pun kau) kurang ajar bah tu. Besyukur ku kalau ku marah, aku prefer diam2 walaupun hati ku rasa kan teriak2. Satu, ko memalukn urg. Dua, ko memalukn diri sendiri.

Tapi lapas tu we were ok coz I asked her why she screamed so loud when I was raising my voice to my juniors. She said she couldn't remember why she screamed. I think, we both became adult there; eventhough kami tau what happened tapi we decided to let it go.

and then, I realised, in that place, we are all Dobby.

Yes, Dobby the HouseElf from Harry Potter series.
Why?
Because, We are slaved to the management. We hated them for being too cruel and even so we still love  our job (and that overcome the shitty environment). At certain point we also defended them because they are our 'master'.
Macam Dobby kn? Slaved, mastered but we love our job. (I mean, I love my job and my routine. I just hate the environment)
of course, we are not bound for life at BBB.
I could just walk away but I have commitments to take care of. bukan urg kaya kn sanang2 beranti bila 'had enough'.
If only...

Anyway, I just thought of a phrase; memang bulih meminta maaf and memaafkan. tapi hati kalau sudah tersinggung, sampai mati pun masih ingat. 
bak kata pepatah ong puteh, 'Forgive but Never Forget!'.

Yatah, kadang2, baik diam2. Kalau marah, jan luan ikut emosi and cakap suka2 hati or teriak suka2 hati. take a deep breath and think for a moment. Ingat, klu tani memalukan urg, bukn maruah urg sja gugur, meruah tani pun ikut gugur. Why? dah tani inda lagi terhormat kn urg, cemana urg kan hormat tani? Kan?

Ani untuk muhasabah diri ku jua. Kan aku ani pun pemental jua. tapi tujuh taun ku keraja, inda ku pernah meneriaki urg cematu. Sungguh kurang ajaran! Inda betauliah! Awu! sakit ati ku masih mengenangkannya. I know aku patut bersih kan hati pasal inda lagi batah Ramadhan tiba tapi..eh. adang tah. ada yg inda beraya karang taun ani. Hahaha ganas..

eh..baik tah..

. . .

I can relate

as we all know, SHINee just came out with their third album, Dream Girl and we all aslo know that I have listened to all of the nine songs more than once. ^_^Y
after checking out the lyrics and its translation, the one song that I can relate most is, Aside.



*tears* esp the ending. 

SO, there's not a chance in the world?

I'm gona end up alone??





(LOL!~ saja kn emo... :P)

. . .

A tat bit Personal

Things happened. 

and most of the time we do not know for what reason.

So, I'm just gona sit here and pretend nothing ever happened. 

Coz, no matter what, my explanation won't suffice you.

So, why bother?

I did try. maybe not to the best of my ability but still, I tried.

My question now is, what have you done to make it work?

Just as I may have made up excuses as to why I did not, I'm sure you have some too.

Thus, for now, 그만해요.let's us give it a rest. 

Aku pun banyak lagi kan ku pikirkan. Masalah ku sendiri lagi aku kapai2, ni kan memikirkn pasal ani tah lagi? tunggu tah dulu ah.

I'm sure time is all we need.

. . .