Enough

I hate how everything is Jonghyun that Jonghyun this

I have nothing against him or Blingers or fellow Shawols

I'm just against everything is so easily connected to him nowadays

eg 1. His album sales was phenominal.
I'm not saying its bad, I'm actually glad.
but why can't his previous album be phenominal too? when he was alive? when he needed the assurance most??

2. His MV reached 2mil in less than 24hrs.
WHERE WERE YOU ALL MASA HIS PREVIOUS RELEASES?!
why now baru th interested and commenting You've worked hard, Oppa.
come on!

3. SM and maybe SHINee management too, decided to not sale Jonghyun related merchandises at SHINee World  Concert the Best From Now
to me, lurus bah. orang nya nada sudah, it wouldn't be right to be still getting profit/advantage like that.
some even commented "SM should make an exception"
*rolled eyes*
would you want me to sell merchandise of your love ones once they passed away and take all the profit from it.
Pahamilah.
I know this news is especially hard for Jonghyun bias.
but remember, his Poet | Artist album might not be out if it was not becoz of SM.
SM already make an exception thru that album. its the last goodbye.
not to mention whatever legal actions base on their decisions.
Kindly be more open and understandble, ok?

4. with this news about SHINee losing a member by suicide are overwhelming.
Key was right to post a request on his IG; to treat them as before, to give them support.
Yes, I am one of that Shawol who wanted to see OT5 ever since Onew's scandal.
but if we insisted to see OT5 when we all know that that is impossible now, we don't just hurt ourselves, we hurt the remaining member of SHINee too.
SHINee is now a 4 member-ed group.
that doesn't make them any less SHINee.
they are still SHINee.
and we need to continue supporting SHINee as we always have.
of course, right now, with extra compassion.


I don't know if I want to listen to live stream of the concert in Japan this weekend.
macam alum ku ready.
in my head, there will be a lot of moment where they might paused and a little lost coz they have the raw-est of feelings.
I can't.
tunggu tah ah smpi ada fanaccount with subs.


. . .

The above was composed on 15th Feb 2018.

Edited 14th Mar 2018.

1. I still feel the same as the above as of now.
2. I was right to not stream the concert coz when I did, everyone was so emotional, SHINee and Shawols. I shed another tear.
3. I wish for them to take a year long break. to mourn. to grieve. to get everything together at their own phase. I know life goes on but I think they deserve that break.
4. time. we need more time.

. . .

I see you in My Dream

I've been dreaming of Travelling Solo for almost 3 years now.

The feeling is stronger now, during this Travel Fair promotion period.

I've mentioned going solo to Japan last time and I still wanted to go solo there again sometime this year and next year but I agreed to go with my sister instead.

but that remained a plan.

I might still go alone.

When I said I want to travel alone, I don't mean the adventure, climbing mountant, go diving in the ocean, jungle tracking kinda solo travel (coz that's what I found when I Google image for solo traveler)
When I said I want to travel solo, I just meant going to cities that I've been to before (eg Kuala Lumpur, Singapore, and Osaka/Tokyo).

My only reason why I want to travel solo is because I want to go at my own pace to where ever I wana go.

Just like how I am here in Brunei;
If I asked friends to go out and they wanted to come along, great.
If I asked friends to go out and they didn't want to or couldn't come along, no problem. I'll still go on my own.

maybe I'm just impatient. (▰˘◡˘▰)

because when decided I wanted to go belayar somewhere and people couldn't make it on the dates that I suggested and they suggest me go on their suggested dates, I become impatient.
I mean, this is my plan, shouldn't you be adjusting your schedule around my plan if you decided to join me?

I know that sounded mean but it's the truth.

I made myself sound selfish too but with the current mental state that I am in, I really don't care.

. . .


Edit: 8th Apr 2017.

I drafted this like end of March but I was not in a good mood composing it thus I decided not to post it out of anger.
Today, I'm in this mental state where I no longer gonna fret about smallest of details in my problems and just go with it.
I am in calm state in midst of the storm.
I don't know how else to explain how my mind works these past few weeks.
Not that I ever know how 

┐(‘～`；)┌

I'm going crazy.

. . .

Productivity

Last last weekend, I decided to delete my new Story (well, not so new) I posted on AFF (stands for Asianfanfics.com if you don't already know).

I posted this last chapter

and as you can see, I was informing my 4 subscribers that I'm deleting the story soon.

but the next morning, when I opened my AFF tab, I saw someone subscribed to my story.
I was supposed to delete it in a few hours but I posted the above late and faktor umur, I slept earlier than I planned to and had to do it the next morning.
As any writer would be, I was happy and had a second thought about deleting the story.

So,
I reread the story (the one that I already posted).

and I was surprised.
I was actually doing pretty good (if I can say so myself).
I say this because I've been telling myself that my layout or how I laid the words are crappy.
the fact that I only have 4 subscribers since I published it on 5th Apr 2015, makes me believe that I'm a crappy writer.

but as I was reading the second chapter, I thought to myself, "This is actually pretty good"
well, not JK Rowling good but you know, good enough for me and I'm actually satisfied with what I have posted.

then, I wondered, why was I so negative before?

I guess, it was the same issue that I had here, in blogspot
I was thinking too much about what other people think or how they would take this or how many comments I would get.
The fact that people are all over EXO in fanfics right now and all the older SHINee fans isn't on AFF anymore, demotivate me to continue posting my story.
the fact that I was lazy and procrastinating af isn't helping either.
I think too much about what other people think.
I should go back to being me and post what I want and how I want to.

Seriously, 
I need to take my own advise into accounts these days.
I've been EVERYWHERE.
as in, my mind isn't here nor there. same goes to my heart.
I don't know.
I need to keep it all together.
I need to get back up and be me.

In regards to my AFF story, I'm going to hide it from public views until such time when I am ready to properly commit to regularly update it.

. . .

disclaimer: I'm not saying I'm going to change straight away. this thing needs time and patient. and I'm trying. please be proud of me trying to better myself instead of judging on how I do things. As i posted once on Facebook, "Just because I'm doing it my way, doesn't mean that I'm doing it wrong"

. . .

Haiya Sokka

"haiya sludger! looking for dad!"

thats a line from Richie Rich. the monitor robot thingy, who 'Google' search Mr. Richard Rich on the map.

I wanted to put my title 'Haiya sucka!' (hence why I titled it 'Sokka' which pronounced 'Saka' in the animated series, Avatar: The Last Airbender) coz thats what I thought it said all this while but I thought, I don't wanna be reported. 
*ketawa smpi kluar air mata*
*sarcasm (in case people missed it): coz I never put the word FCUK on a title before.

anyhoo, moving a long now...

I think I'm back to being the me from a few months back.

I'm stressed and mentally exhausted that I don't feel like doing anything.

and I've been eating a lot of fries/chips. which made think of Shane Filan coz he said in either Westlife Biography or his self titled Biography, that as kids, he used to have a lots chips. and now I miss Westlife.

I'm supposed to be trying out a new weekend project but so far, I've only done two trials in the length of 2 months (plus).

I know I told myself both here and offline, that a little progress is still a progress.

but i'm getting restless again. If I don't manage that project, I feel like I'm not progressing anywhere and I feel like a failure. again.

So, frustrated with that notion, I spent my time on youtube instead.
At first it was just me watching funny nail art tutorial by Christine, of SimplyNailogical.
Atfer that I came across Liza of Liza Koshy, which I original found out about from the mini clips on IG.
(both Christine and Liza is soooo funny guys! you should search their youtube channel up!)
AND THEN I came across Youtube drama.
Like, 
whaaaaat happened?!
I was watching one video after another, and tonight, I finally had it. 
Sanak ku! (this is sort of like, felling extremely annoyed)
too much talking and so serious
Some even trying to be 'smart' about their so-called debate.
Gawd! the moment that I had enough, I finally come to my senses and thought
"I really hate empty debate!"

So, to calm myself,I just spent the last 15-20 mins watching videos from one of the first few vloggers I subscribed to; DavidSoComedy



So much purity! I am cleansed!



the above video is dead funny! and I feel like I am David if ever I visit an art museum. hahahah

I mean. His video is the reason why I want to improve myself outside my current full time job. 
he may cuss a lot but he speaks the truth.
he may have a lot of $$ in his account now but when I first watched his videos, he was just like me, regular, average wage earning being. 
I mean, we're not average poor coz we still could afford to buy stuff that we like.

We're just average income earner (I think)

I don't know David on a personal level (obvy~) but from what I've watched, what I like most about him is that he's a humble person who cuss a lot.
LOL

anyway, this post is getting too long now, I should end it.

So, thank you DavidSo Comedy for helping me rids the negative energy that I received from the youtube drama that I sooooo nosily stuck my nose into from the last two nights. 

I shall try to calm myself down and control my emotions offline.

Believe me, typing/writing/saying the above is soooo much easier than done.

So, Like what I've been doing this last couple of months, I'm just gonna 'Do It' and just get thru it.


. . .

I'm only human

I can hold my breath
I can bite my tongue
I can stay awake for days

If that's what you want

I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh

If that's what you ask
Give you all I am

I can do it

But I'm only human 
and I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
I crash and I break down

I can turn it on
Be a good machine
I can hold the weight of the world
If that's what you need

I can do it

But I'm only human

Just a little human

I can take so much

Until I've had enough

. . .

from the song Human by Christina Perri.