Productivity

Last last weekend, I decided to delete my new Story (well, not so new) I posted on AFF (stands for Asianfanfics.com if you don't already know).

I posted this last chapter

and as you can see, I was informing my 4 subscribers that I'm deleting the story soon.

but the next morning, when I opened my AFF tab, I saw someone subscribed to my story.
I was supposed to delete it in a few hours but I posted the above late and faktor umur, I slept earlier than I planned to and had to do it the next morning.
As any writer would be, I was happy and had a second thought about deleting the story.

So,
I reread the story (the one that I already posted).

and I was surprised.
I was actually doing pretty good (if I can say so myself).
I say this because I've been telling myself that my layout or how I laid the words are crappy.
the fact that I only have 4 subscribers since I published it on 5th Apr 2015, makes me believe that I'm a crappy writer.

but as I was reading the second chapter, I thought to myself, "This is actually pretty good"
well, not JK Rowling good but you know, good enough for me and I'm actually satisfied with what I have posted.

then, I wondered, why was I so negative before?

I guess, it was the same issue that I had here, in blogspot
I was thinking too much about what other people think or how they would take this or how many comments I would get.
The fact that people are all over EXO in fanfics right now and all the older SHINee fans isn't on AFF anymore, demotivate me to continue posting my story.
the fact that I was lazy and procrastinating af isn't helping either.
I think too much about what other people think.
I should go back to being me and post what I want and how I want to.

Seriously, 
I need to take my own advise into accounts these days.
I've been EVERYWHERE.
as in, my mind isn't here nor there. same goes to my heart.
I don't know.
I need to keep it all together.
I need to get back up and be me.

In regards to my AFF story, I'm going to hide it from public views until such time when I am ready to properly commit to regularly update it.

. . .

disclaimer: I'm not saying I'm going to change straight away. this thing needs time and patient. and I'm trying. please be proud of me trying to better myself instead of judging on how I do things. As i posted once on Facebook, "Just because I'm doing it my way, doesn't mean that I'm doing it wrong"

. . .

Having a Guy Friend

I used to have a couple more guy friends (other than my old classmates from high school) through out the years.

but now, noted the 'used to'? 
Yeah
I didn't type that wrong.

I distanced myself from them because they have a girlfriend and she is jealous AF.
or as some Bruneian love to say, "Penjeles Kan Mati".

I understand pulang. I understand how they feel. Aku kan perempuan jua.
But I hope these 'ladies' also understand the reason I stayed away was because aku menjaga hati durang supaya inda 'continue' kan jeles-jeles lagi. 
Not because i Have feelings for your boyfriend.
I am usually a neutral person, yg when a guy friend ada girlfriend and he brings her to our group outing, I usually treat her like she's one of us too. 
but these ladies usually maintain a cool facade and i think i'm not that dumb to not take a hint. like, awu, boyfriend mu, ambil chia~~

Now these couples are married and I think I was blocked from the guys' IGs too. 

I just feel sorry that our friendship ended that way.

But seriously guys, it's not you, it's your wife.

hahaha

take a chill pill.

Maybe it's because aku single kali. maybe I, somehow, mengeluarkan aura 'desperate' for a husband or something that makes them think that I'm after their partners.

Are you for real?

Yes, of course I wana get married too and have a husband but woman, I am not that desperate. Banyak lagi lelaki Korea for me to pick from; example, SHINee has 5 member I could choose out from. *ketawa gulik-gulik pasal pakai example lelaki Korea*

So, to my other guy friends yg girlfriends durang are my another extension of friends, you guys punya girlfriends are the awesome-st kerana memahami erti persahabatan (or dalam bahasa Inggeris nya: for understanding the meaning of friendship).

and just a little foot note: When I like a guy (like a crush or something), I can hardly utter a single word in front of him. So, if you see/hear me chatting away lively and/or enthusiastically, that is not it.

to those who think that this post is somewhat insensitive and thought "She's single. She doesn't know what she's talking about. Wait till she's in their shoes" well, maybe you are right. but why don't you give it a thought or two; how do you live with such insecurities? how do you live without trust? If that was the case, shouldn't you be single?

. . .

See this hunk?

Yeah, it's him I want.

You and your protective ass can chill.

. . .