Misconception of Me

composed 02 Sep 2018. 4:13pm
Finished composing: 7:21pm
Start editing: 7:21pm
Done: 8:01pm
re-edit: 9:08pm

This was supposed to be made on 1st Sep but as always, when composing something in anger, I usually will not post them right away. 
for someone with extreme temper like myself, I know very well that nothing came out good when you do things out of anger.

I composed the original on my phone on 31st Aug.
I might still not post this up yet.

Why not, you might ask?
becoz I'm not sure what I wanted to tell.
the truth?
the glossed-over truth?
the vague truth?

I just hope when I finally decided to post this up, it's not gonna end up a very messy essay. LOL

Anyway,
I try putting my "Misconception" in point form. let's see how things go from there.

but before we continue, a few notes;

NOTE 1: THIS IS A LONG ASS RIDE. So, if you don't feel like reading to the end, LEAVE.

NOTE 2: make your judgement ONLY AFTER YOU READ TILL THE END.

NOTE 3: Vulgar language is used. maybe.

1. I am not rich.

I don't know why this is on top my head when I started the list.
But I feel like this is the biggest Misconception of Me of all.
coz for some reason people thought I have an overflowing supply of cash (Aminn Ya Rabb!)
Anything I have, anything I bought (both planned and impulsively), I earned them.
Yes, I may ended up "broke" becoz of it, but I still earned it.
Like what my sister told me just recently; "Bukan inda mampu, inda mau" I cannot translate that into English at this moment.
There's this famous malay saying; "Di mana ada kemahuan, di situ ada jalan" and another, "Nak hendak seribu daya, tak hendak seribu dalih".
I'm not saying I live by these sayings but I applied this to anything involving money.
So, don't come to me and said, "easy for you to say, ko kaya ah" (Ya Allah, Aminn aku kaya) but no.
Aku mampu untuk benda yang aku mahu sahaja.

2. My temper.

Yes, I know, I have bad temper.
it's becoming a huge 'issue' at work.
it's 'affecting' my work.
◔_◔
one: it doesn't.
two: marah ku bukan tanpa sebab.
and it is especially an issue when I'm quiet.
three: I know I'm ugly when I'm angry, so I prefer to stay quiet.
four: or would you prefer I lash out with angry words?
another issue that came to my attention is that, people thought they cannot point out MY mistake to me. becoz, according to them, I got pissed.
щ(ಠ益ಠщ)
five: when you talk shit behind my back or make snide comments that you thought I did not hear, at those times, were you thinking of my feelings?
six: so, I don't understand why you care if I get angry when you try pointing out my mistake to me.
You once said that pointing out mistake is to teach us. So, teach me. So what if I got pissed?! you don't care about my feelings any other time. so why care how I feel when you tell me I make a mistake? or in malay, takut kan bagitau aku, yang aku buat salah?
seven: you shouldn't be scared. Ko lurus. Aku salah. it's that simple. Fuck my temper if you truly want me to learn and better myself.
Why then, I'm pissed when my mistake is being pointed out to me?
It's the way you pointed them out to me.
Eight: you pointed them out in front of everybody as a lesson.
Nine: When you worried about my anger, you straight up not tell me about my mistake and let others handle it. One reason I heard of why people do this is: Menjaga hati ku. Taking care of my feelings? Really? Doesn't that make me, I don't know, blur? How can I know I make a mistake when I'm not being told I make a mistake? You think I make mistake on purpose, is it?
Mistake is a mistake. It happened and I wouldn't know I make them until someone tell me that I make them.
and here's number ten: and then you made it seems like I'm too sensitive?
eleven: and you have the audacity to call me "defensive" ?
twelve: YOU GUYS STILL WONDER WHY I'M FUCKING ANGRY?!

3. My retaliation

in case you don't what it means:

as mentioned, I prefer to stay 'diam' when I'm mad/pissed/angry.
and I can already hear you readers thinking "lurus bah, cAz ani yg sensitive, inda dapat ketaguran".
True. maybe I am.
but read this next line properly.
Every body has a different way of handling a situation.
My way just happened to be: Marah dalam diam.
Why? because you love to point out my mistake in a meeting.
Wanna know how I feel about that? Humiliated.
and wanna know how I deal with that? Marah dalam diam.

Ok, you may say that it's all in my head, too sensitive to "teguran".
but wouldn't you be?
Other people buat mistake but they are being "console" in private.

Why I'm being "console" in a meeting?

Of course I retaliate. in Silent.
coz I know my silent kills them softly inside. MUAHAHAHAH 

and I'm the bad person for reacting that way to them after what they did to me?

I'm giving back what you have given me and you still say I'm the bad person here?

Really?

4. Self-reflect

with all my anger and retaliation mentioned,
here comes my self-reflect.
I maybe angry becoz of the way you convey your message to me
but
as I let my thoughts run, I always go back to being that "snapped out of it" person and accepted my faults.
this part of this post isn't trying to show or to tell you that I'm good.
but to show you that Anger is not my core. it's not my whole entire being.
Anger is a feeling I have, arises by the situation that I'm in.
(Kindly watch Disney's Inside Out to understand that kind of shit)
anyway,
as I was saying,
After I let my thoughts run its course, I usually let go of my anger (towards people) and accepted that I made the mistake.
because that's the truth, I made a mistake.
by accepting that, I can now focus on improving myself from making that same mistake again
that is all.

5. My conscience.

or should I say My GUILT Conscience.

here's the meaning if you don't know:

Every time I do something bad or did a mean clapback, I always feel guilty about it afterwards.
I would want to apologize and I probably should~
but my ego said, "No, they deserve it. Sampai bila kan diam saja when they suka hati buat cematu? Ingat robot? Ingat nada perasaan? I am human"
and I believe that my ego is right.
Sometimes my guilt will eat my insides for days
but my ego.
my ego.
I refused to apologize when I finally made a clapback to the people who did me wrong for so many times before.
I will stand my ground and say you deserve what you've got.
and again, when this happened, I will be seen as the bad person. but read point no. 3 for another cycle of why I'm giving you back what you asked for.

6. My Ground. or Aku ada pendirian.

This point kinda the very reason that triggers me to make this post.

I found out very recently that I'm being dubbed as a bad influence to a certain human being.

*tarik nafas panjang2 and release. and remain fucking calm for this*

I have two of my mom's advices that I wana share here;
a. "Jangan luan pemarah~ nada urang suka~"
b. "You have a choice"
I should have put advice (a) in point no. 2 LOL!
but advice (b) is on another level; it was not said to me in English, nor was it said to me in Malay in that way.
Story time!
Not really.
When I was young, whenever I did something wrong and at that time was with a cousin or a friend, my mom would head on scolded me and me alone. I don't remember the exact scolding but what I take from it (and to this day) is, "you have a choice". If someone tag you along to do something and you know you shouldn't be doing them, but still do it anyway becoz someone told you to, then, to my mom, you are to blame. 
because 
You have a choice.
End of Story.
sorta.

back to the present.
I was told that I'm a bad influence to someone. 
let's give this someone a name, Joy.

Hmmm..
how should I put this? I can't just put out a story half way. you might agree that I AM a bad influence.
I also can't put out the entire work story coz I will be damned.
but wait, didn't I already do that in point no.2? ┏(＾0＾)┛┗(＾0＾) ┓
hmmmm..
to be honest, at this point, I'm so tired. Mentally tired. coz malas ku kan pikir lagi. but I promised I posted something yesterday and now it's the day after. I need to commit to this. and walk my talk.

Let's not go back too long in the past and let's keep the circle within my unit.
but I've been quite the loner for years.
coz I'm the type yang wouldn't even try and be "friendly" with people yang I know talk shit behind my back.
and for so long too, I have set my mind into keeping the "relationship" strictly business.
coz if I don't keep it strictly business, I will make it personal and no one wants that. 
So, 
Joy used to be a duo but now they fall out.
They used to be the super duo who love to talk shit behind my back.
After the fall out, Joy started hanging out with me and other friends from a another unit after work; like, watch movies and eat out.
and I should mentioned that in at least half of these outing, Joy had been telling me about her struggle; emotionally and mentally. Of course, aku kesian. I've been there too. So, I listened.
I also gave her work advice; "jangan tah ingau apa ya buat atu. Keraja tetap keraja. We still need to communicate with one another. yg penting keraja siap".

but some people see this 'blossoming friendship' differently.

You see, Joy used to be this cheerful person and talkative.
but after the fall out, she kept to herself. 
So instead of seeing her 'professionalism' for not mixing personal emotions with work, she was dubbed as sensitive and defensive, and temper-mental.
Sounds familiar?
She was even told straight out that she was acting like me.
◔_◔
which to me, is basically saying, I'm a bad influence to Joy.
like
╭∩╮（︶︿︶）╭∩╮

a. she's always had a temper. even from the moment she joined us. and you know that.
b. PLEASE TAKE NOTE! SHE KEPT TO HERSELF EVEN BEFORE SHE STARTED TO HANG OUT WITH ME AGAIN!
c. if ia yg terikut-ikutan aku, that's not my problem.

you know why it's not my problem? coz
d. I didn't go out of my way to 'recruit' her
e. make her sensitive, defensive, and temper-mental.
f. She comes to me, ok?
AND
My advice is clear; don't worry about personal things during working hours. Focus on your work. If other people continue to act like crap, then let them. there's only 8 hours of working. it doesn't really matter. it's just a day's work.
If Joy chose to follow my "bad" behavior instead of the good one, that is not my problem.
because she has a choice.

wanna know why this point is titled My Ground?
becoz I know where I stand.
and I will fight for what is right. you can say whatever you want about me but the Truth Will Out.
I know when people don't like me and I'm not gonna go around trying my hardest to convince them to like me.
I don't let other people to manipulate my mind. Cukup tah people manipulate my words. I don't need them to mess with my mind too. 


and my advice to Joy would be to find her own ground and stand firm.

7. I have a life.

I have a life outside of work.
I have a life when I'm not with you.
I have a life.
So don't you ever think that I can't live without you.
Work is work.
Life after work, is life after work.
You wanna continue to make me feel like crap during working hours? Dipersilakan.
Just know, the moment I clock out, I have another life to think about.

8. Victim.

this is a short one.
When people acted shit towards me and I happened to get back at them, they acted like they're the victim.
When in reality, they initiate the attacks and I only retaliate.
I was never a rebel without a cause, ok? Put that inside your head.
If you feel like I'm angry with you or acted mean to you, ask yourself, what have you said and what did you do that make me this way.
Stop playing victims.
If you don't know if you can handle the consequences that comes when you create a situation, don't start.

In conclusion:

I understand most of the things that had happened is because of how I reacted to them.
I could be gracious in handling them too.
but yatah tu..
I'm temper-mental.
and too sensitive.
In my defense, I acted accordingly.

(~￣▽￣)~


this doesn't just apply to work-life situation. it also apply to real life situation. 
Yes, I have two life; Work-life and Real-Life. Work-life isn't real. You put up a front to deal with that place and when you clock out, you're real life begins.

Ok, ok. working is real, of course. it pays the bill. 

but what I meant by that is,
"If you fall in your life, neither your boss nor clients will offer you a helping hand; your family and friends will" - Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam.
or in my words, anything happened outside of work, neither your boss nor colleagues care; my family and friends saja yang care.

. . . .

Thank you so much if you come this far. I told you its a long ass ride.
I really appreciate your time.
Just don't judge me too harshly after this. (∪ ◡ ∪)
There's always two sides of the story and this is mine.

. . .

a Little taken aback by this

I want to quickly get this out of the way before I continue with my final entry for my KL Trip.

xD

let's get on with today's topic;
a Little Taken Aback by This.

as many know, I like to browse youtube.

currently, my obsession is looking up video for Solo Traveler to Japan.

thus, it make sense when below video pops up as a recommendation

Now, you know I've been to Japan back in 2016 and was so in love with that trip that I planned on going back in 2018.

but let's now watch the video first before you read my next set of thoughts.




First of all,
that hurts.

Second of all,
I think I understand what he meant.

I don't know which part I was most offended on, coz in all honesty, I didn't bother looking for muslim-friendly places while planning for my trip. all I care about is looking for the cheapest hostel!

Back in 2016, I noticed all the things he said, about Japanese being scared. 
We were being stopped at the airport once we stepped out of the immigration.
then on the train, there were EMERGENCY ALERT posted on the train monitor. the National Security is on high alert it says. I already thought that it was becoz of us when I first saw it.
Yes, there are people who looked at us dari atas ke bawah.

but apart from those awkward experiences, people don't really care about us. I mean, time kami bejalan to the station, buying food in the convenient stores, boarding the train. Nobody took a second glance at us. PLUS there are a lot more kind people I met than the judging/scared glance people.

Japanese really is a polite country, if you project the same.

It is true when he said, Japan isn't really Muslim-Traveler friendly.
Even when you try to Google, there aren't much. 
of course lah ada muslim friendly eatery but still those places aren't that easy to get to, at least not to first timer. 
From my recent research, Osaka has a lot of Muslim friendly eatery popping up this year and 2018.
even so, masih limited lah.

anyway,
when you watch the video from start to finish, you are gonna hate Mr. Nobita.
LOL
that's my initial reaction, at least.

I was mostly thinking "and you continued to be ignorant?!"

but then again,
it's not like I'm gona live in Japan forever.

I'm mostly gona be there for at least a week at a time. and all becoz of Harry Potter and Disneyland. 

So, I get what he was trying to say;

1. they are just scared. which is natural. I mean, I would too. better be safe than sorry.
2. it seems illogical to work so hard to accommodate a group of people who would probably just gona be there for a week. or sekali atu saja they visit Japan.
3. They can't just throw away their culture just for short-term visitors.

it's like when we want people to respect our home when they come around.
yes, we try to make our guest feel comfortable but that doesn't mean they can just do whatever they want or be too demanding, right?

so yeah... I understand.

but I'm afraid, I'm a little scared to go to Japan now.

LOL

I hope Universal Studio Singapore would have the rights to build their own Wizarding World of Harry Potter soon.

Kalau bukan kerana Harry Potter, I wouldn't be this worked up about going to Japan, banar tah.

hahaha odahnya...

but seriously, Mr. Nobita can say whatever he wants and I can be offended and decided upon never setting foot in Japan anymore.
After all, the world doesn't revolve around any of us and Japan will remain one of the top choices for female solo travel to go to.

I just wish I didn't watch the video.

. . .

New Favs!

Hi guys!
my previous post is morbid (an exaggeration but ok)

hahaha

So, for this post, lets talk, Barbie.

I forgot if I ever mentioned it here but I am a huge fan of Barbie Life in the Dreamhouse series.

Huge huge fan!

Found the series while hanging out at Bazilah's house 2-3 years ago
but they somewhat stopped at Ep 75 and I was very upset about that.
The series actual run was from Jan 2012 to Sep 2015 (I Googled it xP)

Tonight, as I wanted to rewatch all those LITD series, I found a new Barbie series called Barbie Vlog.

I found them on Barbie Official Youtube channel. (you can go and search for them there)

currently its up to episode 34.
each episode runs at 3 minutes top. Similar to LITD.
and
Barbie's a lot younger in her Vlog.
She was an adult in LITD.
Hmm...

anyway,
one episode tug on my heartstrings.




First of all, I've been long not believing in Monday Blues, so when the Episode was named 'Feeling Blue', I kinda rolled my eyes.

Second of all, we all really need to watch a video from start to finish. same goes to reading a post. before we could make a debate about it.

Third of all, I am not about to start a debate here.

LOL

anyway,

When Barbie said "Maybe I'm just being unfair to myself"
It got me thinking, "Yeah, Maybe I am"

Maybe I set myself up so high that when I fall, I got hurt so bad.

I've been into a lot of Emotional Training at work for the past years that I know I can be a better employee from it.

But after my last training, I realized, maybe I set the bar too high for myself.

Maybe I should chill a little.

I shouldn't be too hard on myself when other people sucks.

coz I'm not.

they are.

After acknowledging that, I become a little more relax and start taking my feelings into considerations.

coz who else is going to, right??

Thus, 

If I'm feeling down and not feel like being positive, then let me be.

Sometimes its not about you.

Maybe I'm just moody.

. . .

Barbie's Vlog always end with PACE which stands for Positive Attitude Changes Everything.

right

. . .

I see you in My Dream

I've been dreaming of Travelling Solo for almost 3 years now.

The feeling is stronger now, during this Travel Fair promotion period.

I've mentioned going solo to Japan last time and I still wanted to go solo there again sometime this year and next year but I agreed to go with my sister instead.

but that remained a plan.

I might still go alone.

When I said I want to travel alone, I don't mean the adventure, climbing mountant, go diving in the ocean, jungle tracking kinda solo travel (coz that's what I found when I Google image for solo traveler)
When I said I want to travel solo, I just meant going to cities that I've been to before (eg Kuala Lumpur, Singapore, and Osaka/Tokyo).

My only reason why I want to travel solo is because I want to go at my own pace to where ever I wana go.

Just like how I am here in Brunei;
If I asked friends to go out and they wanted to come along, great.
If I asked friends to go out and they didn't want to or couldn't come along, no problem. I'll still go on my own.

maybe I'm just impatient. (▰˘◡˘▰)

because when decided I wanted to go belayar somewhere and people couldn't make it on the dates that I suggested and they suggest me go on their suggested dates, I become impatient.
I mean, this is my plan, shouldn't you be adjusting your schedule around my plan if you decided to join me?

I know that sounded mean but it's the truth.

I made myself sound selfish too but with the current mental state that I am in, I really don't care.

. . .


Edit: 8th Apr 2017.

I drafted this like end of March but I was not in a good mood composing it thus I decided not to post it out of anger.
Today, I'm in this mental state where I no longer gonna fret about smallest of details in my problems and just go with it.
I am in calm state in midst of the storm.
I don't know how else to explain how my mind works these past few weeks.
Not that I ever know how 

┐(‘～`；)┌

I'm going crazy.

. . .

In the End, It doesn't even matter

It starts with
One thing I don't know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind, I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It’s so unreal
Didn’t look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on but didn’t even know
I wasted it all just to watch you go

I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when...

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

One thing, I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind, I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I’m surprised it got so (far)
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end

You kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when...

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know

I've put my trust in you


- In The End, Linkin Park.

. . .

Shook

I, of course, would like to thank God for showing me the truth.

Some people just can't take a hint.

Some may say that I'm being picky
and
I say to them, my instinct is never wrong.

If people ever wonder why I'm still single,
they should ask why this kind of people exist.

. . .

pending DIY Project no.2

anndddddddd
here's another one.

this was done the Saturday (3rd Dec) before the Sunday (4th Dec) I went to Miri.

I've been putting off my Japan journal for so many times but that Saturday, I was feeling rajin and finally making an effort to start.
but as I was trying to make DIY pockets to attach in my current journal, I figured, my pockets will be too big for my current journal.
So I decided to make my own journal.

My sister shared me a video on FB and I watched it once before I started mine
but now when I look for it, the video was deleted.
like, *feeling so lost right now*

So, I guess, I'll just share my pictures then.

the video was actually a DIY photo album, with crafty/deco feel about it (suddenly lupa what it really calls XP)
but i figured, i could make it into a journal, however ways I want to be, right?

First, I cut off two set of manila paper as a front and back cover, making sure they are slightly bigger than a certain 'special' map.
after that I cut another smaller piece of manila card for the spine.
In the video, the lady actually used some hard board card for the cover and spice but since I don't know where I could find one here in Brunei, I just used the next best thing, manila card. they're tougher than normal paper anyway.

Next,
I attached all three paper using a colored paper (yellow), so that it'd be easier to bend.

then I used simple wrapping paper to cover the front and back.

I didn't capture the moment when I cut the paper off, only when I already wrapped them.

after that I made inner spines thingy.

the measurement was like, the bottom most is 14cm, the one after is 13.5cm, next is 13cm, after that 12.5cm and so on.
I think you can make how ever many you want. I made 16 pieces.
in the video, the lady made them with colored papers all the way but I only have a few colored papers, so I alternate mine with normal white paper.

Selepas itu, I  bend the paper like so

in the video, I'm supposed to bend like 2cm from outside edge of the paper. but what I actually did was bend the paper in half, and then bend again half on each side. 
LOL
after I finished bending, I can see where my mistakes were.
but I was lazy to amend and I began gluing these pieces to the spine.

I used double-sided tape. 
In the beginning, for the spine, I used some white glue but since it took ages to dry,
I used the double-sided tape, like the one the lady used (excessively) in the video.
turns out, her ways were a lot easier and faster LOL

few more pieces and I ran out off tape.

So, I went out to buy some. LOL sanggup~

this is the finish products.

Well, for the base, at least.

I'm supposed to attached paper on the spine. but since I havent got my Japan pictures printed yet, 
I decided to left it as it is for now.

Yatah jua tu nah. pasal 'cuci gambar' ah. putting it on and off since the day I came back from the trip.
I need to get a move on.

Karang sampai the next trip and still balum cuci yg 2016 punya.

ah well..

once again, you'll know when I finish with this. 

xD

. . .

Thought of the day

Maturity isn't claimed.

Maturity is not something you declared yourself to be.

Its just not what you think it is.

Even these quotes are not all it.

Maturity is just.

#self-reflect

or is it?

muahahaha

. . .

a/n: I know there are certain things where you can claim yourself to be, but claiming to be mature while condemning someone childish, is not it.

Haiya Sokka

"haiya sludger! looking for dad!"

thats a line from Richie Rich. the monitor robot thingy, who 'Google' search Mr. Richard Rich on the map.

I wanted to put my title 'Haiya sucka!' (hence why I titled it 'Sokka' which pronounced 'Saka' in the animated series, Avatar: The Last Airbender) coz thats what I thought it said all this while but I thought, I don't wanna be reported. 
*ketawa smpi kluar air mata*
*sarcasm (in case people missed it): coz I never put the word FCUK on a title before.

anyhoo, moving a long now...

I think I'm back to being the me from a few months back.

I'm stressed and mentally exhausted that I don't feel like doing anything.

and I've been eating a lot of fries/chips. which made think of Shane Filan coz he said in either Westlife Biography or his self titled Biography, that as kids, he used to have a lots chips. and now I miss Westlife.

I'm supposed to be trying out a new weekend project but so far, I've only done two trials in the length of 2 months (plus).

I know I told myself both here and offline, that a little progress is still a progress.

but i'm getting restless again. If I don't manage that project, I feel like I'm not progressing anywhere and I feel like a failure. again.

So, frustrated with that notion, I spent my time on youtube instead.
At first it was just me watching funny nail art tutorial by Christine, of SimplyNailogical.
Atfer that I came across Liza of Liza Koshy, which I original found out about from the mini clips on IG.
(both Christine and Liza is soooo funny guys! you should search their youtube channel up!)
AND THEN I came across Youtube drama.
Like, 
whaaaaat happened?!
I was watching one video after another, and tonight, I finally had it. 
Sanak ku! (this is sort of like, felling extremely annoyed)
too much talking and so serious
Some even trying to be 'smart' about their so-called debate.
Gawd! the moment that I had enough, I finally come to my senses and thought
"I really hate empty debate!"

So, to calm myself,I just spent the last 15-20 mins watching videos from one of the first few vloggers I subscribed to; DavidSoComedy



So much purity! I am cleansed!



the above video is dead funny! and I feel like I am David if ever I visit an art museum. hahahah

I mean. His video is the reason why I want to improve myself outside my current full time job. 
he may cuss a lot but he speaks the truth.
he may have a lot of $$ in his account now but when I first watched his videos, he was just like me, regular, average wage earning being. 
I mean, we're not average poor coz we still could afford to buy stuff that we like.

We're just average income earner (I think)

I don't know David on a personal level (obvy~) but from what I've watched, what I like most about him is that he's a humble person who cuss a lot.
LOL

anyway, this post is getting too long now, I should end it.

So, thank you DavidSo Comedy for helping me rids the negative energy that I received from the youtube drama that I sooooo nosily stuck my nose into from the last two nights. 

I shall try to calm myself down and control my emotions offline.

Believe me, typing/writing/saying the above is soooo much easier than done.

So, Like what I've been doing this last couple of months, I'm just gonna 'Do It' and just get thru it.


. . .

Be Kind, it's free

Mom is the kind of person who is so nice to other people even if that people was so damn mean to her in the past.

I could never understand her.

until I was a little bit older.
and recent events inspired me to make this post


1. Regarding work
no matter what personal hatred you have to your work mate, kerja tetap kerja. Think of your 'periuk nasi'. No one else will jaga that. so, peduli apa with what they say behind your back or whatever. bukan durang yg bagi ko gaji. So, maintain your work etiquette.

2. Relatives
you know how some cousins don't get along with each other? well, I have them too. and I know my family is not the only one yg ada this kind of relatives. but be kind. biar tia urg bejahat arah tani, jangan tani pun ikut bejahat jua. If like that, sama lah tani dengan durang. it's better to be remembered being the kind one than being remembered the opposite, right?

of course, I'm only human.

Being kind is a very exhausting.

not just mentally but spiritually as well.

Feelings

Remember when I said I was a little down these past few months?
well..I just heard an old song and thought, "this describe EXACTLY how I feel"

Simple Plan - Welcome to My Life

lets quote some of the verses:

Do you ever feel like breaking down?

Do you ever feel out of place,

Like somehow you just don't belong

And no one understands you?

Do you ever wanna run away?

Do you lock yourself in your room

With the radio on turned up so loud

That no one hears you're screaming?

Do you wanna be somebody else?

Are you sick of feeling so left out?

Are you desperate to find something more

Before your life is over?

Are you stuck inside a world you hate?

Are you sick of everyone around?

With their big fake smiles and stupid lies

While deep inside you're bleeding

No one ever lied straight to your face

And no one ever stabbed you in the back

You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay

Everybody always gave you what you wanted

You never had to work it was always there

You don't know what it's like

No, you don't know what it's like

When nothing feels all right

You don't know what it's like

To be like me

To be hurt

To feel lost

To be left out in the dark

To be kicked when you're down

To feel like you've been pushed around

To be on the edge of breaking down

And no one's there to save you

No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

I know, such deep shit.

but really, this is how I feel.
I'm not even exaggerating.
the one coded in blue is how I think of other people.
I know, that is very negative of me. and very unfair to other people coz I don't know what they've gone through to be what they are just as they don't know what I'm going through.

I don't know since when but I've been saying that I am self-motivated person.
today, I realized that maybe I got that from doing my CV.
which leads me to realize that I really am not (a self-motivated person).
I just thought that I am.

I feel sorry for myself
coz no one else going to be

#ToughLove
#StrongHeart
#ToughLuck

but I guess, that's just life.

a/n: I know I said I'm gona stop posting things like this one but I think its worth the share. maybe this post will motivate other people to be better at controlling their feelings and thoughts than I do.

. . .