2 weeks of sad, and my July Bujo Theme

Hi.

First of all, I am tired.

Second of all, there's nothing I can do about it.

Which then leads me to being super upset. I couldn't even push myself to do anything else but willow in self pity. I couldn't open my journal to write down my feelings. I didn't even start my Bujo July Theme until 15th July! Imagine!

So, here's what's that look like:

I forgot who's July Theme inspired me to do mine but it wasn't AmandaRachLee. hmmm..let me just *check my History on youtube* Ok, it was from annika's leaf.

It was simple and I thought I could use a change; from drawing/coloring myself to using craft papers.

which I happened to have a lot of. 

(these two are the only one I have at the moment)

After I finished that I thought I'd be happy or temporarily so but I wasn't. 

My heart was still heavy and my eyes burned. 

to simply put, I am not happy. Not at all. Yeah I laugh out loud but only becoz I can't be upset in front of people. 

No one cares. 

No one listens.

It's not their problem.

It's mine.

and I'm ashamed to admit but my brain, it went dark. it still is. 

I'm aware of it going dark. I remind myself to not be. but it continues. 

I know people's gonna say "You're overreacting" "You're being dramatic" "it's all in your head" and I'm telling you, I am aware. I'm aware that maybe I am overreacting. Maybe I am being dramatic. Yes, it's all in my head. 

but explain this:

I was listening to EXO -  Power, the supposedly uplifting song in Kpop and one of my favorite song as well but why the hell was I thinking about is jumping of a bridge?

tell me what was that all about?

I imagine a better future, I can see them but at the same time, I'm not going anywhere. I'm stuck here. in this body. in this shell of a body. and I am not happy.

I. am. not. happy.

I. am. not.

Tell me where I can find help.

. . .

Positivity VS Negitivity

Third Day of Raya.

I have never been so care-free.

I guess I aged well. LOL Not really

Raya used to be such a stressful ordeal but this year, I barely cared.

I'm that pressured to the point that I don't want to care.

It's not because of work. 

Becoz as stressful as work gets, at the end of the day, it's what happened when you go home.

the environment at home is the most integral part of your being. 

I'm the type that shuts office off the moment I walked out of the office. Yes, I may talk about it or the people in it when I meet my freinds but non of that conversation ever been about the work itself. 

When you come home to a house full of negative vibes, that actually put more harm to your health than work could ever did.

If you can't be positive at home after a full day of negativity, then what are you going to be?

yeah yeah

It's all come down to how you react to things.

but everybody has their limits.

There is only so much patient in ones body.

 . . .

Feelings

Remember when I said I was a little down these past few months?
well..I just heard an old song and thought, "this describe EXACTLY how I feel"

Simple Plan - Welcome to My Life

lets quote some of the verses:

Do you ever feel like breaking down?

Do you ever feel out of place,

Like somehow you just don't belong

And no one understands you?

Do you ever wanna run away?

Do you lock yourself in your room

With the radio on turned up so loud

That no one hears you're screaming?

Do you wanna be somebody else?

Are you sick of feeling so left out?

Are you desperate to find something more

Before your life is over?

Are you stuck inside a world you hate?

Are you sick of everyone around?

With their big fake smiles and stupid lies

While deep inside you're bleeding

No one ever lied straight to your face

And no one ever stabbed you in the back

You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay

Everybody always gave you what you wanted

You never had to work it was always there

You don't know what it's like

No, you don't know what it's like

When nothing feels all right

You don't know what it's like

To be like me

To be hurt

To feel lost

To be left out in the dark

To be kicked when you're down

To feel like you've been pushed around

To be on the edge of breaking down

And no one's there to save you

No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

I know, such deep shit.

but really, this is how I feel.
I'm not even exaggerating.
the one coded in blue is how I think of other people.
I know, that is very negative of me. and very unfair to other people coz I don't know what they've gone through to be what they are just as they don't know what I'm going through.

I don't know since when but I've been saying that I am self-motivated person.
today, I realized that maybe I got that from doing my CV.
which leads me to realize that I really am not (a self-motivated person).
I just thought that I am.

I feel sorry for myself
coz no one else going to be

#ToughLove
#StrongHeart
#ToughLuck

but I guess, that's just life.

a/n: I know I said I'm gona stop posting things like this one but I think its worth the share. maybe this post will motivate other people to be better at controlling their feelings and thoughts than I do.

. . .

Negativity

I've been feeling kinda, wronged, this past few days.

a certain junior is pissing me off.

a senior colleague who just, I don't know.

It's one of those 'pak yoh' moments.

I don't like the way I'm feeling right now.

I know I should bersabar but I'm only human. 

Tahap kesabaran ku inda smpi kemana. 

Klu ku kn marah, marah ku jua.
 
Banci, banci tah. I don't care. I didn't expect everyone to like me anyway.

I wish I could be like, being able to tagur without ended up beklaie. 

Coz certainly these two, jenis yg mesti di tagur baru tah paham. mun inda, babal, smpi bila2 pun cematu jua perangai nya.

How come aku rasa I'm the only one yg selalu had to learn things the hard way?

why can't it happen to them too? I mean, we basically (work wise) went through the same ordeal, did we not? 

or maybe time aku, memang ada yg berani menagur atu (smpi ku nangis2 lah jua), yatah membaginya.

sigh. 

ngaleh ku bernegative ani.

singan sini th sja.

. . .