30 years of

worth mentioning that I was there when the company I work at celebrated its 30th anniversary.

and I have spent at least 17 years with then by 2024 atu. that's more than half my adult life. 

Bak kata Mark Lee of NCT, "that's a long as ride"

We were gifted with tones of 30th anniversary merchandises; payung, tabung, windbreaker jacket, coaster (as in singular), and last sekali, tabung (it looked like a mini version of that 30 in the back ground of the payung).

I guess, thank you for all the experience gained for all the years I have been with them. Either aku jenis 'tahan pukul' or there were just more good/fun experiences than bad that I have stayed as long as I have.

Just recently, I was asked when do I plan to retired and I was like, "when I turned 40". LOL coz I am soooo ready! Been working hard enough. 17 years is not a small fit. 

I want to put an end to my corporate life and start my traveling auntie journey.

Hashtag Manifest!

oh! I should mentioned. becoz of this 30th anniversary, I was so active; joining the House Championship thingy; hiking, walking, virtual race, bowling, board walk games, and participate in being a 'production' crew for the Annual Dinner performance for my House. 

I was in House 3, The Greytest. We came out number 3 overall  in the end. I think. Lupa dah. as soon as the annual dinner was done, aku pun melupakan all my 'activeness' for the year LOL cukup taun atu saja lah. Urang lain can join in the next one. Cukup for me now.

here's to another 30 years? Ovvy don't count me in. as proud as I am that I have been part of their journey, the me now is in need of a new thing and experiences.

Appreciated

First recognition EVER!

I had been with this company for 15 years at that point and never had I ever been given an appreciation/recognition award! this was awarded to me during the Mid Year Closing.

When I heard the description of the reason I was receiving the award, my initial thought was, "it's no big deal" and realized how brainwashed I was to be thinking that. When in reality, if it was that not big of a deal, someone else should've done. So yeah. Never down play your contribution to the department my girlie, you've contributed more than enough.

The award was actually a shared award with my officer as well coz we both worked on the task together. 

So yay me! 🥳🥳🥳

I was definitely motivated to do a lot more at the time. Coz suddenly it was worth it.

I received another similar award after this one and this was awarded to me during End Year Closing.

but I forgot that one pasal apa. LOL coz I wasn't really listening but I believe it was more about me being recognized doing at least 3 people's job most of the time LOL I remember thinking "memang patut di appreciate my effort ani!" ahaha yeah I was bitter.

no this is not the picture. Apparently no picture was taken that day. and the event was done in Nov instead of Dec LOL

Happy Dragon Year 2024

Hi.

Happy New Year! 🐉

Yes, I'm still holding on to this blog page.

it's almost a year from when I last posted on here too LOL I am not going to explain myself anymore. You already know how I be; motivated to the max now and be gone the next minute.

Anyways, life updates!

Um. I turned a year older. I got one 'false alarm' health scare in Mar 2023 but when I returned in Apr 2023, turned out that doctor was just making hasty conclusion. 🙄 

and I was obsessing over How To Train You Dragon like never before. Becoz now! I have access to the internet and I can search everything that franchise releases; the first TV shows, the mini movies, the netflix series. I read somewhere that the latest series in the franchise does not include our favorites but it is a story about the descendants. I haven't got around to look for them on the internet. Sabar. I will get to it soon.

Anyways, next..in bullet point form;

Work Life. 

Welp. still in the same department. I applied to a few positions late 2022 and early 2023. Only one menyangkut for an interview. It's an officer level and I didn't hear anything else after that one. I kinda knew I wouldn't get it anyways coz it was known that that you wouldn't get promoted to Officer position if you didn't have a bachelor degree. Sigh. but at least I tried. and stopped trying to apply i think after Apr 2024 coz I was rotated into a different unit and I simply focused on that for the whole 2023. You know, manatau now I feel better about working there. I did. for a while. and then. back to square one.

Also, our leaves are being monitored this year. coz big projects. and we have a new boss jua and the restructuring of our department is a nightmare. Not saying it's not working. I'm just saying, changes are always hard.

Yatah, I wanna go back to the original plan; tukar department and slowly moving out of the company. 

I mentioned this last year; I think it's better for me to change environment.

Let's try again this year.

Travels. 

1. Soooo..Westlife concert was underwhelming? LOL only becoz I thought i watched every Live Concert DVD they ever released and they sounded the same, gais! Their live vocal really do sound like that! I was impressed but also like, yeah-i-expected-that. Or maybe I was underwhelmed becoz I thought I would go nuts when they appear on the stage and I didn't HAHAHAH mau tah jua kan go crazy. but yea. It was a fun memory for me. albeit it being so calm. and no Encore coz we (people seating around me) agreed that they old already, 10pm is the max. LOL at least I reached my hotel by 11pm.

2. My next travel was in June 2023. to Japan! like I waited so long for this trip! another solo. and I was satisfied. I went for 11 days? and by the 9th day I was so fed up with everything and I wanted to go home already LOL. So i guess I didn't really want to move to Japan then. ahahah 

Remember how I lost so many footage from my very first solo Japan trip? Well, on this first solo after covid one, I restep the places I went di Osaka. I skipped the one in Kyoto, the TOEI Kyoto Studio Park. but from my train, I could see a huge Evangelion back's as we passed thru.

Obviously, things don't happened the same way twice. So, I ended up not doing much re-stepping but re-visiting the place and gained new experienced instead.

3. I went to Kuching, Sarawak, Malaysia in end of September 2023. Yeah, I know. I don't know how I did it but it happened. this trip was actually a company trip. Ovvy I paired with my colleague. It was enjoyable and I appreciate my quick hands in applying for it LOL 

We visited this bridge yang the shape I recognized as, i think, Sarawak official bird, Kenyalang. I told my colleague that as we were walking, I felt the bridge moved but she said that maybe I was too tired and had a headache. I insisted one more time after that and she insisted that she didn't feel anything.

The next day, as we took taxi kan, the uncle taxi tu asked if we have gone onto the bridge and we replied yes. The uncle continued about the sejarah, and get this, I wasn't crazy. 🤯 the bridge was meant to move! It was designed to make you feel like you were walking on the birds' wings! (That was genius by the way but too bad for people yg gayat like me. I can go on roller coaster and feel nothing but walking on tinggi places like that bridge, no thank you. Begarak2 tah lagi.) The look I gave my colleague tho 😏

4. and last travel for 2023 was in December. This one a bit sacred. I went for Umrah. When it was confirmed, I cried and barely sleep fro 3 days and 3 nights (I remembered becoz it was over the weekend). but alhamdulillah. Kalau nya Allah jadi, jadi lah ia.

5. As for 2024 - I have one planned for End of Feb 29th. XD another concert gais. guess who? SHINee!!!! omg! ani aku excited a little more. coz I have SO many concert merch that I can finally used! Kan dulu bali and jadikan perhiasan. Now I can use them! The concert will be on 2nd Mar. and I found out today that apparently the date clashes with Taylor Swift's. No wonder SHINee's started at 4pm. I thought that was just the time you should start going to the venue. LOL Anyway, once again, I haven't bought my flight ticket nor my hotel. Laik, semoga hampit.

My hobby.

No, I didn't do a flip thru video of my old bullet journal creations. I actually didn't even post much last year. Like, I know I was always late in terms of dates / days but I really didn't post much. I don't know. Work became a drained again and I just neglect everything. When I did manage to post, they were super late. Like, I questioned myself so many times; what is going on girlie?

Hoping to restart again this year. Maybe not the 'bullet' journal part coz I bought a simple planner. Well maybe not so simple coz it has the Monthly planner, Weekly planner. The planner also provide or prepared other familiar section like the habits section, budgeting, exercise, period, etc for the whole year. Yatah, I thought, I don't need to create my own from the scratch. I can focus on why I have so many journals/notebooks in the first place; to write my most inner thoughts / feelings that I wouldn't or couldn't tell anyone and do all my planning/'shading'/'ticking' in the planner saja.

So here's to a more progressive writing feelings in my joural this year.

oh and btw, I only managed to use one thick journal/notebook last year and it wasn't even filled at the back. Give up ku. move on ku saja to the new year punya buku. Laik, I'm letting go.

I should include this here - I joined a 'community' (of 4-5 people LOL) of crafters. Bruneian. I 'applied' mid Nov 2023 and was included into a whatsapp group early Dec 2023. You know what happened to me in Dec kan? When I rejected their 'project'; creating tags and swapped them, I received a very not friendly text from one of the member, "as agreed before you join here" like, woman. there were no mention of a dateline when I filled in that Google form? 👀

The dateline was in Jan 2024. I agreed coz I scared they kick me out of the group 🤣 but by End of Dec 2023, I announced to the group how I won't be able to join the project afterall coz I was so overwhelmed - work wise and I know I can't commit. only two people bagi respond yang kind. the others macam luke warm gitu. I mean, I told you I cannot join but you insist masukkan my name di sana atu. One of the more kinder people did say to stay in the group if its not a burden and join the next project saja. Bukan kah nice cematu? Ani tarus2 kana attack masa awal2 atu. 

One other thing tho, dah tah my work banyak dateline. I couldn't stand a dateline for a hobby as well. that was a LITTLE disappointing. I wonder if I should just leave the group? I know the dateline is relevant coz the group want to received swapped projects and 'unbox' at the same time. I don't know. I still like the idea to receive something in the mail again after so many years. we'll see.

Reading.

hmm. I tried to read one book in Aug 2023 anddd..4 days, 147 pages. and I neglected it. the writing is good but I just can't. I'm looking at the book cover now and I just realized there was a person on the cover. Blurred but a person. the fuck. how come aku inda realize before ani? ahahah anyways, the book, Jodi Picoult Lone Wolf. I will finish it this year.

Why? coz I finally printed all the book cover of all the books that I have yet to read. Including Lone Wolf, I have 43 books to read this year.

I am officially on a book buying ban.

waitt. ke Singapore in march ani, I already have a list. LOL but only two yang I have not read before. We'll see on the implementation of the ban.

Anyhoo

Umm I start listening to audio books. I actually started like November 2023? and then I stopped. and restart again in Jan 2024. I found them on youtube and it was legit? and I like the reader. for some reason, the books yang I came across atu were the Hunger Games trilogy. That trilogy is chef kiss. Books to Movies adaptation has no competition in my opinion. Anyways, when I finished those, I thought I give the 4th book a try. I mentioned this book last year but I didn't quite mention the struggle. Like, I really hate it. Like, I just hate it.

BUT! that audio book! the reader! omg! I actually remembered some scene of the story and I was surprised about my feelings. Like, I don't hate it like when I was reading it. I was genuinely intrigued about the story (eventhough i already baca the physical book) and curious about what's gonna happen next. Like, wow. 

My conclusion as to why I seem to struggle a lot to read for so many years now is that I need to be in a good mood before I start a book. If i paksa myself so much, it becomes a chore and I hate chores. LOL I'm sure it's mostly my mood. coz there were a couple of time I forced myself to read for 30mins and I ended up so engrossed to the story even when I started it in a not so good mood. 

So, yeah. Mood plays an important role for me to finish reading my TBR pile. 

hwaiting.

Apa lagi yang kan di update? 🤔

oh! you know how I'm barely posting on my second IG with my craft? well, the same goes to my personal ones. All those trips? Nasib lah Westlife aku sampai mempost. My June Japan trip? syukur alhamdulillah I posted 1 in September for back-to-Hogwarts day. ahahaha and the one after that? Nope.

I've transferred all of them on to my HD kemarin kemarin and now I'm either going to post them as a photo dumb or sudah tah, Let it go. delete them from my phone, and move on. 🧘‍♀️ I am in need to clean my phone storage anyways.

I thought came to mind; post them on here. 🤭

Jom kita gelak sama-sama. 🤣

Yeah, if I managed to do that, I am the best.

Ok, I think that is all for now. Let's hope I be more active this year. Active in writing, reading, uploading photos on social media, and exercise. I need to start exercising soon too. Fed up ku doctor2 ani, asal jumpa appointment, cakap pasal BMI ku saja. naleh ku.

Ok, anyways, thank you.

See ya next time.

Happy 2023

Happy new year!!

I mean, it's already the 23rd. New year is still a new year.

Oh, and also Happy Chinese New year too to those who celebrate. It's the year of the Rabbit and I'm manifesting that this will be my year of positive changes.

Life updates?

I have reached 15 years working life. In the same department. You have read and witness my break down becoz of it too. So, I decided this year, I will look for a transfer to another department and out of the company entirely. If I'm not happy anymore, I must make this change. Just the other day, I was watching and old video diary where I rant frustration of their treatment on me, the lack of appreciation. I also came across a post here where I rant about how I was being singled out for having a strong opinion and attitude. That confirmed my decision for a change, to leave. It's better to change environment and be scared of the changes that comes with it than to have stayed, knowing what's gonna happen.

Travels! I have one coming in Feb. for a Westlife concert! Finally!! I waited my whole life for this. like, literally. I said to myself that to go to at least one concert and my westgal life will be complete. I haven't book a flight tho. Hotel already done. I haven't got a chance to book flight yet. Not money problem. More like, I want to change the flight tix voucher I won at our Annual Dinner, from Kuala Lumpur to Singapore coz I'll be going to Westlife concert in Singapore. The hold back is becoz I wanted to just fly to KL using that voucher and buy a separate flight tix for Singapore. The thing is, going to KL is not in my plan! I have to settle this tho by this week. Hoping the company where the voucher is from is not on a long CNY holiday. :S

My crafts. My creativity. My passion. It's been how many years now that I have my second IG up? I started posting 30 Sep 2020 and and now already 23 Jan 2023 which means (as helped by my calculator xD) I have my second IG for 2 years and almost 4 months! wahhh..feels like I only started posting last year. The fact that I already did my first ever flip thru of 2022 should have made me realize time already flew by. wow. Speaking of flip thru, I feel like I want to do another one or three of my previous years' creations or recreations. but that would mean I need to dig out old journals. I am not spiritually ready for that LOL. I still like the idea tho. So, it'll still come true. hopefully to fill in the rest of my January post days. Hwaiting

Reading! I read alright. just not an actually books. My attention span isn't what it used to be. I finished at least two books last year. Wait, let me double check. anything that I feel I did last year is now suspicious. LOL ok ngam, last year. The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes by Suzanne Collins in January, and The Desolations of Devil's Acre by Ransom Riggs in Apr. I tried reading other books but it was just not happening. My body and soul just wouldn't commit! In November I tried again with Paige Toon's The Longest Holiday but by page 34, sudah tah ku. lol Luckily, I still read a fanfic by an online friend I met at Asianfanfics. I still count that as my 'Read' in my habit tracker. I've read many of her stories every since I found her. Currently waiting for updates on current story, Aquarius. a sequel to Water Lily. In December, I read two books by Rachel Gibson online. Spicy~ I have a physical copy of her book I bought from Besteastern. but those books in the end stop selling here in our country. lol pasal apa nah? Explicit content. hahaha I bought that book in my early twenties and didn't realize its genre until much much later. it's corn in written form guys. or as booktok and bookgram put it, Spicy~ The story line is still good tho. I have read three written by Rachel Gibson and all three has three different backgournd. All about writers tho. Until I realize, it was Writer Friends series from her. hahaha ah well, anyway. At least, in total, I have read 4 books in 2022. Hoping to get back to reading in 2023 coz booktok and bookgram made me buy books to read (or to simply collect to be honest).

Alrighty, that is all that I can think for a life update.

I suddenly have a sudden urge to update so many here but we all know how I be; Motivated one minute, gone the next. LOL

thank you for reading this far as always. 

Love,

AJ Awang.

Misconception of Me

composed 02 Sep 2018. 4:13pm
Finished composing: 7:21pm
Start editing: 7:21pm
Done: 8:01pm
re-edit: 9:08pm

This was supposed to be made on 1st Sep but as always, when composing something in anger, I usually will not post them right away. 
for someone with extreme temper like myself, I know very well that nothing came out good when you do things out of anger.

I composed the original on my phone on 31st Aug.
I might still not post this up yet.

Why not, you might ask?
becoz I'm not sure what I wanted to tell.
the truth?
the glossed-over truth?
the vague truth?

I just hope when I finally decided to post this up, it's not gonna end up a very messy essay. LOL

Anyway,
I try putting my "Misconception" in point form. let's see how things go from there.

but before we continue, a few notes;

NOTE 1: THIS IS A LONG ASS RIDE. So, if you don't feel like reading to the end, LEAVE.

NOTE 2: make your judgement ONLY AFTER YOU READ TILL THE END.

NOTE 3: Vulgar language is used. maybe.

1. I am not rich.

I don't know why this is on top my head when I started the list.
But I feel like this is the biggest Misconception of Me of all.
coz for some reason people thought I have an overflowing supply of cash (Aminn Ya Rabb!)
Anything I have, anything I bought (both planned and impulsively), I earned them.
Yes, I may ended up "broke" becoz of it, but I still earned it.
Like what my sister told me just recently; "Bukan inda mampu, inda mau" I cannot translate that into English at this moment.
There's this famous malay saying; "Di mana ada kemahuan, di situ ada jalan" and another, "Nak hendak seribu daya, tak hendak seribu dalih".
I'm not saying I live by these sayings but I applied this to anything involving money.
So, don't come to me and said, "easy for you to say, ko kaya ah" (Ya Allah, Aminn aku kaya) but no.
Aku mampu untuk benda yang aku mahu sahaja.

2. My temper.

Yes, I know, I have bad temper.
it's becoming a huge 'issue' at work.
it's 'affecting' my work.
◔_◔
one: it doesn't.
two: marah ku bukan tanpa sebab.
and it is especially an issue when I'm quiet.
three: I know I'm ugly when I'm angry, so I prefer to stay quiet.
four: or would you prefer I lash out with angry words?
another issue that came to my attention is that, people thought they cannot point out MY mistake to me. becoz, according to them, I got pissed.
щ(ಠ益ಠщ)
five: when you talk shit behind my back or make snide comments that you thought I did not hear, at those times, were you thinking of my feelings?
six: so, I don't understand why you care if I get angry when you try pointing out my mistake to me.
You once said that pointing out mistake is to teach us. So, teach me. So what if I got pissed?! you don't care about my feelings any other time. so why care how I feel when you tell me I make a mistake? or in malay, takut kan bagitau aku, yang aku buat salah?
seven: you shouldn't be scared. Ko lurus. Aku salah. it's that simple. Fuck my temper if you truly want me to learn and better myself.
Why then, I'm pissed when my mistake is being pointed out to me?
It's the way you pointed them out to me.
Eight: you pointed them out in front of everybody as a lesson.
Nine: When you worried about my anger, you straight up not tell me about my mistake and let others handle it. One reason I heard of why people do this is: Menjaga hati ku. Taking care of my feelings? Really? Doesn't that make me, I don't know, blur? How can I know I make a mistake when I'm not being told I make a mistake? You think I make mistake on purpose, is it?
Mistake is a mistake. It happened and I wouldn't know I make them until someone tell me that I make them.
and here's number ten: and then you made it seems like I'm too sensitive?
eleven: and you have the audacity to call me "defensive" ?
twelve: YOU GUYS STILL WONDER WHY I'M FUCKING ANGRY?!

3. My retaliation

in case you don't what it means:

as mentioned, I prefer to stay 'diam' when I'm mad/pissed/angry.
and I can already hear you readers thinking "lurus bah, cAz ani yg sensitive, inda dapat ketaguran".
True. maybe I am.
but read this next line properly.
Every body has a different way of handling a situation.
My way just happened to be: Marah dalam diam.
Why? because you love to point out my mistake in a meeting.
Wanna know how I feel about that? Humiliated.
and wanna know how I deal with that? Marah dalam diam.

Ok, you may say that it's all in my head, too sensitive to "teguran".
but wouldn't you be?
Other people buat mistake but they are being "console" in private.

Why I'm being "console" in a meeting?

Of course I retaliate. in Silent.
coz I know my silent kills them softly inside. MUAHAHAHAH 

and I'm the bad person for reacting that way to them after what they did to me?

I'm giving back what you have given me and you still say I'm the bad person here?

Really?

4. Self-reflect

with all my anger and retaliation mentioned,
here comes my self-reflect.
I maybe angry becoz of the way you convey your message to me
but
as I let my thoughts run, I always go back to being that "snapped out of it" person and accepted my faults.
this part of this post isn't trying to show or to tell you that I'm good.
but to show you that Anger is not my core. it's not my whole entire being.
Anger is a feeling I have, arises by the situation that I'm in.
(Kindly watch Disney's Inside Out to understand that kind of shit)
anyway,
as I was saying,
After I let my thoughts run its course, I usually let go of my anger (towards people) and accepted that I made the mistake.
because that's the truth, I made a mistake.
by accepting that, I can now focus on improving myself from making that same mistake again
that is all.

5. My conscience.

or should I say My GUILT Conscience.

here's the meaning if you don't know:

Every time I do something bad or did a mean clapback, I always feel guilty about it afterwards.
I would want to apologize and I probably should~
but my ego said, "No, they deserve it. Sampai bila kan diam saja when they suka hati buat cematu? Ingat robot? Ingat nada perasaan? I am human"
and I believe that my ego is right.
Sometimes my guilt will eat my insides for days
but my ego.
my ego.
I refused to apologize when I finally made a clapback to the people who did me wrong for so many times before.
I will stand my ground and say you deserve what you've got.
and again, when this happened, I will be seen as the bad person. but read point no. 3 for another cycle of why I'm giving you back what you asked for.

6. My Ground. or Aku ada pendirian.

This point kinda the very reason that triggers me to make this post.

I found out very recently that I'm being dubbed as a bad influence to a certain human being.

*tarik nafas panjang2 and release. and remain fucking calm for this*

I have two of my mom's advices that I wana share here;
a. "Jangan luan pemarah~ nada urang suka~"
b. "You have a choice"
I should have put advice (a) in point no. 2 LOL!
but advice (b) is on another level; it was not said to me in English, nor was it said to me in Malay in that way.
Story time!
Not really.
When I was young, whenever I did something wrong and at that time was with a cousin or a friend, my mom would head on scolded me and me alone. I don't remember the exact scolding but what I take from it (and to this day) is, "you have a choice". If someone tag you along to do something and you know you shouldn't be doing them, but still do it anyway becoz someone told you to, then, to my mom, you are to blame. 
because 
You have a choice.
End of Story.
sorta.

back to the present.
I was told that I'm a bad influence to someone. 
let's give this someone a name, Joy.

Hmmm..
how should I put this? I can't just put out a story half way. you might agree that I AM a bad influence.
I also can't put out the entire work story coz I will be damned.
but wait, didn't I already do that in point no.2? ┏(＾0＾)┛┗(＾0＾) ┓
hmmmm..
to be honest, at this point, I'm so tired. Mentally tired. coz malas ku kan pikir lagi. but I promised I posted something yesterday and now it's the day after. I need to commit to this. and walk my talk.

Let's not go back too long in the past and let's keep the circle within my unit.
but I've been quite the loner for years.
coz I'm the type yang wouldn't even try and be "friendly" with people yang I know talk shit behind my back.
and for so long too, I have set my mind into keeping the "relationship" strictly business.
coz if I don't keep it strictly business, I will make it personal and no one wants that. 
So, 
Joy used to be a duo but now they fall out.
They used to be the super duo who love to talk shit behind my back.
After the fall out, Joy started hanging out with me and other friends from a another unit after work; like, watch movies and eat out.
and I should mentioned that in at least half of these outing, Joy had been telling me about her struggle; emotionally and mentally. Of course, aku kesian. I've been there too. So, I listened.
I also gave her work advice; "jangan tah ingau apa ya buat atu. Keraja tetap keraja. We still need to communicate with one another. yg penting keraja siap".

but some people see this 'blossoming friendship' differently.

You see, Joy used to be this cheerful person and talkative.
but after the fall out, she kept to herself. 
So instead of seeing her 'professionalism' for not mixing personal emotions with work, she was dubbed as sensitive and defensive, and temper-mental.
Sounds familiar?
She was even told straight out that she was acting like me.
◔_◔
which to me, is basically saying, I'm a bad influence to Joy.
like
╭∩╮（︶︿︶）╭∩╮

a. she's always had a temper. even from the moment she joined us. and you know that.
b. PLEASE TAKE NOTE! SHE KEPT TO HERSELF EVEN BEFORE SHE STARTED TO HANG OUT WITH ME AGAIN!
c. if ia yg terikut-ikutan aku, that's not my problem.

you know why it's not my problem? coz
d. I didn't go out of my way to 'recruit' her
e. make her sensitive, defensive, and temper-mental.
f. She comes to me, ok?
AND
My advice is clear; don't worry about personal things during working hours. Focus on your work. If other people continue to act like crap, then let them. there's only 8 hours of working. it doesn't really matter. it's just a day's work.
If Joy chose to follow my "bad" behavior instead of the good one, that is not my problem.
because she has a choice.

wanna know why this point is titled My Ground?
becoz I know where I stand.
and I will fight for what is right. you can say whatever you want about me but the Truth Will Out.
I know when people don't like me and I'm not gonna go around trying my hardest to convince them to like me.
I don't let other people to manipulate my mind. Cukup tah people manipulate my words. I don't need them to mess with my mind too. 


and my advice to Joy would be to find her own ground and stand firm.

7. I have a life.

I have a life outside of work.
I have a life when I'm not with you.
I have a life.
So don't you ever think that I can't live without you.
Work is work.
Life after work, is life after work.
You wanna continue to make me feel like crap during working hours? Dipersilakan.
Just know, the moment I clock out, I have another life to think about.

8. Victim.

this is a short one.
When people acted shit towards me and I happened to get back at them, they acted like they're the victim.
When in reality, they initiate the attacks and I only retaliate.
I was never a rebel without a cause, ok? Put that inside your head.
If you feel like I'm angry with you or acted mean to you, ask yourself, what have you said and what did you do that make me this way.
Stop playing victims.
If you don't know if you can handle the consequences that comes when you create a situation, don't start.

In conclusion:

I understand most of the things that had happened is because of how I reacted to them.
I could be gracious in handling them too.
but yatah tu..
I'm temper-mental.
and too sensitive.
In my defense, I acted accordingly.

(~￣▽￣)~


this doesn't just apply to work-life situation. it also apply to real life situation. 
Yes, I have two life; Work-life and Real-Life. Work-life isn't real. You put up a front to deal with that place and when you clock out, you're real life begins.

Ok, ok. working is real, of course. it pays the bill. 

but what I meant by that is,
"If you fall in your life, neither your boss nor clients will offer you a helping hand; your family and friends will" - Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam.
or in my words, anything happened outside of work, neither your boss nor colleagues care; my family and friends saja yang care.

. . . .

Thank you so much if you come this far. I told you its a long ass ride.
I really appreciate your time.
Just don't judge me too harshly after this. (∪ ◡ ∪)
There's always two sides of the story and this is mine.

. . .

Reality

this really happened

Someone was given a bouquet flower at the office

but she didn't want it

rupanya they broke up already

I told her, before she throw the bouquet away, I want to take picture with it

which at the end of the day, I did take picture with.

#shameless#iknow#LOL

and also, we shared the flowers among us (6 people), I took two.

I put them in my Coffee Bean recycled cup.

Moral of the story;

when it's over, it's over.
Jangan tah bagi flower segala.
sayang saja duit
ending nya, the girl will not want the flowers and throw them away
or worst
bagi arah colleagues nya HAHAHAHAH

. . .

hello March

15 days have come and gone.

and it didn't even bother me that I didn't post anything on this site for so long.

It's been very hectic since the beginning of the month and I've been wanting to cry for few days now but I didn't get the chance to. I'm that busy!
Something else happened too but I don't want to go over that again. My head hurts trying to re-tell the story again and again and again. I just hope it will be resolve soon or I go crazy. ಸ_ಸ

on a brighter note, I've been watching this new kdrama, Descendant of the Sun.
and thank Onew for being in it. 
and Song Joong Ki has nice abs! 
(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧


I could share topless SongJoongKi but too lazy kan Google for abs right now. 

Invisible audience: *gasp* when did you ever get tired Googling for abs?!
Me: *gasp more dramatically* OMG ((((゜д゜)))

(-＿- )ノ
I told you, I'm tired.
they only play this on Wednesdays and Thursdays.

so the rest of the other nights, I watched F.R.I.E.N.D.S

( Ok, i took these from Google :B )

and they made me laugh and feel light headed. 
That's a good thing for me to get away from the real world.

anyway,
I was rereading some old posts and  i noticed how passionate I am about writing.
and it blew my mind when I realized why I never really make it my 'When I grow up, I wanna be' thing. 
I feel silly when I thought about how I told people that my biggest dream was to become 
a singer.
Not that it wouldn't be awesome and I do love to sing but I think I daydream a lot and imagining scenarios in my head too much to become a singer.
I think my biggest dream is to become a writer.
I like writing stories (or if you feel fancy, you can call it 'FanFic'). it's just, 
I'm lazy af.
and I'm not even joking about that last sentence.

maybe I should try writing a story again. i did leave a story hangin on asianfanfics. and it's been a long time since i open My Fanfics folder (or Didn't have the interest to open up the folder more like). oorrrr I don't know, do something about it.

IF I have the energy to.
right now, all i can think about is sleep and deal with a new day tomorrow.
macam pigi ke Battle bah aku kan keraja ani. 
and I'm so tired!
I know, keraja apa jua yg inda tired, kn? 
but, really, I am.
Mentally tired.

I really need to get a new job.

. . .

I see Korean-related things EVERYWHERE

You know when you like something so much, everything around you reminds you of it.

Example:

I was at work that one time and a colleague had this hair do 

which reminds me of this 'old' Korean hair do

LOL!

I don't know if I've shared enough here but I'm a big fan of Korean Historical drama. I think I'm more fascinated with their garments than anything else. 
That is why the hair do above became a topic for tonight's post.

hahaha

. . .

Random

1. During lunch time, an attachment student tried and made her point across to me; Part-Time shouldn't be given to the non-permanent staff. I stared at her for a few seconds and "student jua banar ah" and I laughed. I think I broke her spirit. 

I don't mind her debating about the term Part-Time should not be used for the non-permanent staff but meaning can varies. just as 'button' do; keyboard button or shirt button. right? Lucky for her aku malas kan debate also; I could have said to her 'wake up. don't be so lurus bendul. Believe me, you can not apply your text book into real life situation'. 

I hope I don't look like this tadi HAHAHAHA

2. a 'sorta' new guy (a handsome one too) whom I thought was my junior rupanya not really. and he scored A1 for his O level English Language. Like, malu ku. Really, my English sucks being in the same group as him. Reality can be so harsh 

3. a colleague (or two) was somewhat terasa with me. Meaning, they sensed that I don't really like them. Because they always talk so religiously but they always act so not really religiously. Eg whenever I heard her voice, she always talked bad things about others. like, I'm not a saint either but i think I have talked about other stuff too other than badmouthing others. In a way, this colleague inda pernah tah kan becakap baik. like, I am not even exaggerating.

4. as I got older (and become more senior in the office place), I become so bitter. it's depressing to see just how laid back most juniors are and how they have it so easy. 

5. I don't know what I want and where I should go from here. 

My life right now; like falling off a chair.

6. Next trip I wana go to Japan. to visit their Universal Studio. they have Hogwarts there.

7. I. AM. BORED

8. Sleep is a passion.

. . . 

one more GIF before i really end this post

Hmmm

this was taken on the first week of June, by my cheeky supervisor.

she thinks she so funny!

hahaha well, she is pulang. she brings up the fun in the office. I really appreciate her friendship in that hell hole. 

Instead of feeling ugly, I honestly like to think that I still have manners while eating in public.

BAHAHAHAH

I thought selama ani aku makan macam cavemen!

So, cheeky supervisor, thank you for showing the 'groupchat' that I wasn't. 


a/n: hate all you want but my shawl look awesome with our BBB tshirt aaand my awesome orange bag is in that picture too. this picture is perfectionnnnnnn 

. . .

Customer Service

I hope people understand why there's a reason 'cut off time' being implemented in operational businesses.

I hope people understand that when we closed our counter, it does not mean we spent the rest of our time afterwards sipping coffee and gossiping.

I hope people understand that we had a lot of paper works to finish before we 'hand over' for the day.

I hope people stop acting like they can do our job better than we do ("Kalau ko pandai sangat, ko plang buat!").

Mostly, 

I just want people to stop complaining. 

Like I once said in my previous post,

a banker's job isn't always about taking money from you (or in this case, taking your applications and process it), we do a lot more than just that. A. LOT. MORE.

Seriously, I want people to know this.

. . .

that Feeling

you know that feeling when you are so down and everything around you insisted to be wrong?

yeah, I'm having that feelings now.

it's frustrating and discouraging and demotivating.

maybe I'm the one who is unhappy in the first place but instead of everything else remain neutral as I wished, things just, don't.

So, all I'm doing right now is, to remain stagnant. like how my life has been for the past few years.

I'm usually a self-motivate person but today, I don't feel like motivating myself. I mean, what's the point really?

a/n: images are not mine

. . .

Emotions

Emotions run high today. or rather, kemarin.

It was the final day before the half-yearly bank closing etc plus we were all anxious about finishing our workload in fear that on Saturday would be the public holiday for Ramadhan.

Rude words were exchanged. Snide remarks shouted everywhere. Particularly from this woman from another unit. I admit that it was partly because of me being 'serious' to her. and when I was raising my voice to my juniors, 'the' woman screamed back to me. Well, she had her back at me but I knew it was meant for me. Macam, dude! Terasa plang di sana atu!
Panas lah hati ku. Malu pasal, luan jua inda betauliahnya bekeraja ani? I know tani satu department, tapi meneriaki cematu atu (walau cemana stress pun kau) kurang ajar bah tu. Besyukur ku kalau ku marah, aku prefer diam2 walaupun hati ku rasa kan teriak2. Satu, ko memalukn urg. Dua, ko memalukn diri sendiri.

Tapi lapas tu we were ok coz I asked her why she screamed so loud when I was raising my voice to my juniors. She said she couldn't remember why she screamed. I think, we both became adult there; eventhough kami tau what happened tapi we decided to let it go.

and then, I realised, in that place, we are all Dobby.

Yes, Dobby the HouseElf from Harry Potter series.
Why?
Because, We are slaved to the management. We hated them for being too cruel and even so we still love  our job (and that overcome the shitty environment). At certain point we also defended them because they are our 'master'.
Macam Dobby kn? Slaved, mastered but we love our job. (I mean, I love my job and my routine. I just hate the environment)
of course, we are not bound for life at BBB.
I could just walk away but I have commitments to take care of. bukan urg kaya kn sanang2 beranti bila 'had enough'.
If only...

Anyway, I just thought of a phrase; memang bulih meminta maaf and memaafkan. tapi hati kalau sudah tersinggung, sampai mati pun masih ingat. 
bak kata pepatah ong puteh, 'Forgive but Never Forget!'.

Yatah, kadang2, baik diam2. Kalau marah, jan luan ikut emosi and cakap suka2 hati or teriak suka2 hati. take a deep breath and think for a moment. Ingat, klu tani memalukan urg, bukn maruah urg sja gugur, meruah tani pun ikut gugur. Why? dah tani inda lagi terhormat kn urg, cemana urg kan hormat tani? Kan?

Ani untuk muhasabah diri ku jua. Kan aku ani pun pemental jua. tapi tujuh taun ku keraja, inda ku pernah meneriaki urg cematu. Sungguh kurang ajaran! Inda betauliah! Awu! sakit ati ku masih mengenangkannya. I know aku patut bersih kan hati pasal inda lagi batah Ramadhan tiba tapi..eh. adang tah. ada yg inda beraya karang taun ani. Hahaha ganas..

eh..baik tah..

. . .