Final week of Puasa 2026

Morning lovely people,

scheduled post but not a recap. Life update. sorta...

its the 25th day of puasa already and I know from the moment aku terskip creating schedule posts during my Singapore trip that I will be missing a few more. and that made me almost start neglecting this blog again.

Why? coz I feel like I fail. Fail in posting the same amount of posts in February as I did back in January and now it's impossible to naikkan the number of posts for March as we are already half way thru the month. Failing again. 

But I told myself, I can't be quitting every time I break a streak (aka making scheduled post daily). It's ok to not post daily when time is limited or when I simply can't make time to compose a post. It's ok. let's treat it as taking a break from writing instead. It's ok. time puasa tah lagi. Yang tani simply don't have time kan buat barang lain; tidur aher (ani salah sendiri lol) lapas tu kan bangun sahur lagi, lapas tu kan kraja lagi. balik kraja sudah pukul berapa. sungkai. lapas to, repeat. No time man. 

Priorities change buat masa ani and I think I need to learn to not be so hard on myself. 

after this post, I might missed a few more posts but I'll to get back to it after puasa / during raya.

my Bob 💖

30 years of

worth mentioning that I was there when the company I work at celebrated its 30th anniversary.

and I have spent at least 17 years with then by 2024 atu. that's more than half my adult life. 

Bak kata Mark Lee of NCT, "that's a long as ride"

We were gifted with tones of 30th anniversary merchandises; payung, tabung, windbreaker jacket, coaster (as in singular), and last sekali, tabung (it looked like a mini version of that 30 in the back ground of the payung).

I guess, thank you for all the experience gained for all the years I have been with them. Either aku jenis 'tahan pukul' or there were just more good/fun experiences than bad that I have stayed as long as I have.

Just recently, I was asked when do I plan to retired and I was like, "when I turned 40". LOL coz I am soooo ready! Been working hard enough. 17 years is not a small fit. 

I want to put an end to my corporate life and start my traveling auntie journey.

Hashtag Manifest!

oh! I should mentioned. becoz of this 30th anniversary, I was so active; joining the House Championship thingy; hiking, walking, virtual race, bowling, board walk games, and participate in being a 'production' crew for the Annual Dinner performance for my House. 

I was in House 3, The Greytest. We came out number 3 overall  in the end. I think. Lupa dah. as soon as the annual dinner was done, aku pun melupakan all my 'activeness' for the year LOL cukup taun atu saja lah. Urang lain can join in the next one. Cukup for me now.

here's to another 30 years? Ovvy don't count me in. as proud as I am that I have been part of their journey, the me now is in need of a new thing and experiences.

Happy 2023

Happy new year!!

I mean, it's already the 23rd. New year is still a new year.

Oh, and also Happy Chinese New year too to those who celebrate. It's the year of the Rabbit and I'm manifesting that this will be my year of positive changes.

Life updates?

I have reached 15 years working life. In the same department. You have read and witness my break down becoz of it too. So, I decided this year, I will look for a transfer to another department and out of the company entirely. If I'm not happy anymore, I must make this change. Just the other day, I was watching and old video diary where I rant frustration of their treatment on me, the lack of appreciation. I also came across a post here where I rant about how I was being singled out for having a strong opinion and attitude. That confirmed my decision for a change, to leave. It's better to change environment and be scared of the changes that comes with it than to have stayed, knowing what's gonna happen.

Travels! I have one coming in Feb. for a Westlife concert! Finally!! I waited my whole life for this. like, literally. I said to myself that to go to at least one concert and my westgal life will be complete. I haven't book a flight tho. Hotel already done. I haven't got a chance to book flight yet. Not money problem. More like, I want to change the flight tix voucher I won at our Annual Dinner, from Kuala Lumpur to Singapore coz I'll be going to Westlife concert in Singapore. The hold back is becoz I wanted to just fly to KL using that voucher and buy a separate flight tix for Singapore. The thing is, going to KL is not in my plan! I have to settle this tho by this week. Hoping the company where the voucher is from is not on a long CNY holiday. :S

My crafts. My creativity. My passion. It's been how many years now that I have my second IG up? I started posting 30 Sep 2020 and and now already 23 Jan 2023 which means (as helped by my calculator xD) I have my second IG for 2 years and almost 4 months! wahhh..feels like I only started posting last year. The fact that I already did my first ever flip thru of 2022 should have made me realize time already flew by. wow. Speaking of flip thru, I feel like I want to do another one or three of my previous years' creations or recreations. but that would mean I need to dig out old journals. I am not spiritually ready for that LOL. I still like the idea tho. So, it'll still come true. hopefully to fill in the rest of my January post days. Hwaiting

Reading! I read alright. just not an actually books. My attention span isn't what it used to be. I finished at least two books last year. Wait, let me double check. anything that I feel I did last year is now suspicious. LOL ok ngam, last year. The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes by Suzanne Collins in January, and The Desolations of Devil's Acre by Ransom Riggs in Apr. I tried reading other books but it was just not happening. My body and soul just wouldn't commit! In November I tried again with Paige Toon's The Longest Holiday but by page 34, sudah tah ku. lol Luckily, I still read a fanfic by an online friend I met at Asianfanfics. I still count that as my 'Read' in my habit tracker. I've read many of her stories every since I found her. Currently waiting for updates on current story, Aquarius. a sequel to Water Lily. In December, I read two books by Rachel Gibson online. Spicy~ I have a physical copy of her book I bought from Besteastern. but those books in the end stop selling here in our country. lol pasal apa nah? Explicit content. hahaha I bought that book in my early twenties and didn't realize its genre until much much later. it's corn in written form guys. or as booktok and bookgram put it, Spicy~ The story line is still good tho. I have read three written by Rachel Gibson and all three has three different backgournd. All about writers tho. Until I realize, it was Writer Friends series from her. hahaha ah well, anyway. At least, in total, I have read 4 books in 2022. Hoping to get back to reading in 2023 coz booktok and bookgram made me buy books to read (or to simply collect to be honest).

Alrighty, that is all that I can think for a life update.

I suddenly have a sudden urge to update so many here but we all know how I be; Motivated one minute, gone the next. LOL

thank you for reading this far as always. 

Love,

AJ Awang.

Updates!!

Hi guys,

Yes, I have been gone! 
I don't know if I am back coz I said that last time and I went back to being gone.
So.. 🤷

Life updates!
Obviously I'm still very active in real life (or I wouldn't be doing this post now 😜)



First update!
I turned 32 on 10th Sep. 

and I got myself a new car. 

"Wahhh so fancy~" I can already here you guys.
No. 
One, it's a loan. Two, I have a project for buying a new car (i'll update on this nanti 😉). and
Three, buying a new car is actually a long-time-coming thing. I wanted to 'buy' one back in July 2019 but becoz purchasing a car is a long time commitment (in Brunei, as far as I know, it's a loan for 7 years), I have to give a thorough consideration; will I be able to commit myself to it? how will my budget be once I have it? is it sustainable? that kind of considerations.
Some smart-ass will be thinking, "tapi ko single, apa yang kan ko ingau kn?" (but you're single, what are you worrying for?) Well, to that, I say, SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!



which bring us to the next update; my thoughts on being Single and Worry-less.

For a long time, I've been hearing this "You're still single, no commitment" or "wait until you have family, lagi banyak kan dipikirkan" or "eh single, tapi stress"
💆
Ya Allah, give me the patience to remain classy in responding to this ricecooker!

For the longest time as well, I succumbed to feeling that yes, they were right. I'm single. I shouldn't be like this or I shouldn't feel like this. I should be carefree.
until..I come to my senses and brace!
Every one of us, every EACH of us live differently. I have the rights to worry just as much as the next person!
Sapa cakap aku single aku inda buleh stress?! who said that? who set that standard?!
My stress, my worry, or even my my-head-is-so-full-i-can't-brain-anymore, has nothing to do with me being single.
I don't understand how other people associate stress/worry/deep-thoughts with marital status.
THE FUCK WITH THAT SHIT!
Yes, aku single. but do you know, and I am speaking from my own experience here, that I have more commitment and responsibilities than that of a married couple?

Here's a chart to explain:

Ok, right. this chart only talk about MONEY and we all know money is not everything (everything else needs money tho 🤔)
BUT
trust me, when you don't have much, it becomes a struggle. AND I'm not saying I don't have enough. I have enough, ya Allah, alhamdulillah. 
BUT again.
My stress was never solely becoz how much money I don't have.
hmm how can I explain this better?
I'm not by any means "struggling" but imagine, you just have enough to get by and add that up with your environment; at home, at work, or even school! add those stress up, just try and add them up, and tell me ko inda stress? 😕
Sedangkan, from where I sit, listening to your worry about money WHEN I KNOW you have so much more than me, just add work-load, sudah tah ko jadi a banshee.
So, please, imagine, aku single ani, managing home and personal finance on my own, dengan workplace yg very testing, ko rasa, aku will remain, stress-free? I don't have the emotional range of a teaspoon like Ron.

WHO SET THE STANDARD THAT EMOTIONS ARE ASSOCIATED TO YOUR MARITAL STATUS?!

On the contrary, pasal aku single ani tah membuatkan aku kana bagi so much responsibilities. becoz people thought I have NO commitment and they forgotten they have already given me so much before they add up a new one. like, hello? I'm drowning here.

Someone just said to me, "in other words, your the breadwinner" and only then I realized, "yeah, I am the breadwinner" becoz, portions of my money goes to the house and other expenses while other people's money goes to themselves. Like, damn.

Anyway, whatever, sis redha. sis moving on now.

Onward! to the final updates for this post; Depression.

We (when I said we, I meant the kpop world) were shocked once again with the news of dead by suicide.
Sulli, ex-member of f(x), artist under SM, died on 14th Oct by suicide and it was strongly due to the non-stop malicious comment towards her. 
For once, I was numb. becoz she was my least fav in f(x) and I had one post being so mean about her, and I was very upset with that but I can't erase what I have done and for that action, I am sorry, Sulli.
Even though I mentioned in this blog many times before that we will never know what's really going on within that company and what's really going on among themselves, I should have kept my frustration to myself or in my personal diary where only my eyes can see. I should have kept that comment offline. I am truly and deeply sorry, Sulli. my opinions are not your responsibility.
You don't deserve the hate. 
Yes, I only posted one heat post on her but that could be the one heat comment that triggers her. 
I feel responsible.

Currently, in the kpop world, they are petitioning the Sulli Act, an act to punish malicious comment towards celebrities, which they are tying to push for their something election in December 2019. I pray the bill will pass.
People were quick to mention our Jonghyun during this sad times but I am fine. 
After a few minutes updating myself with the news, I decided for myself that, it was better for me to not read so much into it anymore becoz, reading blames upon blames towards SM, towards her EX, towards the anti, won't bring her back. Damage is done. Only thing to do now, is to be a better person from now onward.

Depression is still a taboo topic in this part of the world. 
I have my fair share on that. which I decide from now onward, to never disclose to anyone anymore.
Nobody really care.

So, what do we learn from this post?

1. turning 32 doesn't stop you from starting over with your life.
2. Single people has worries. You, non-single, family person, have worries but at least you have your spouse to share them with. And if you FREAKIN rich heir, you don't have the rights WHATSOEVER to tell me I can't worry about shit. Go sit down, Gemma.
3. Mean comments are mean no matter how well you can justify it. I'm gonna try and not do that anymore. 
4. it's not hard to be kind.
5. I am a strong person.
6. Japan trip 2020 will be my motivation to stay sane. ...LOL!

Ok,

bye.

. . . 

hello March

15 days have come and gone.

and it didn't even bother me that I didn't post anything on this site for so long.

It's been very hectic since the beginning of the month and I've been wanting to cry for few days now but I didn't get the chance to. I'm that busy!
Something else happened too but I don't want to go over that again. My head hurts trying to re-tell the story again and again and again. I just hope it will be resolve soon or I go crazy. ಸ_ಸ

on a brighter note, I've been watching this new kdrama, Descendant of the Sun.
and thank Onew for being in it. 
and Song Joong Ki has nice abs! 
(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧


I could share topless SongJoongKi but too lazy kan Google for abs right now. 

Invisible audience: *gasp* when did you ever get tired Googling for abs?!
Me: *gasp more dramatically* OMG ((((゜д゜)))

(-＿- )ノ
I told you, I'm tired.
they only play this on Wednesdays and Thursdays.

so the rest of the other nights, I watched F.R.I.E.N.D.S

( Ok, i took these from Google :B )

and they made me laugh and feel light headed. 
That's a good thing for me to get away from the real world.

anyway,
I was rereading some old posts and  i noticed how passionate I am about writing.
and it blew my mind when I realized why I never really make it my 'When I grow up, I wanna be' thing. 
I feel silly when I thought about how I told people that my biggest dream was to become 
a singer.
Not that it wouldn't be awesome and I do love to sing but I think I daydream a lot and imagining scenarios in my head too much to become a singer.
I think my biggest dream is to become a writer.
I like writing stories (or if you feel fancy, you can call it 'FanFic'). it's just, 
I'm lazy af.
and I'm not even joking about that last sentence.

maybe I should try writing a story again. i did leave a story hangin on asianfanfics. and it's been a long time since i open My Fanfics folder (or Didn't have the interest to open up the folder more like). oorrrr I don't know, do something about it.

IF I have the energy to.
right now, all i can think about is sleep and deal with a new day tomorrow.
macam pigi ke Battle bah aku kan keraja ani. 
and I'm so tired!
I know, keraja apa jua yg inda tired, kn? 
but, really, I am.
Mentally tired.

I really need to get a new job.

. . .

that Feeling

you know that feeling when you are so down and everything around you insisted to be wrong?

yeah, I'm having that feelings now.

it's frustrating and discouraging and demotivating.

maybe I'm the one who is unhappy in the first place but instead of everything else remain neutral as I wished, things just, don't.

So, all I'm doing right now is, to remain stagnant. like how my life has been for the past few years.

I'm usually a self-motivate person but today, I don't feel like motivating myself. I mean, what's the point really?

a/n: images are not mine

. . .

I decided..

to be active on my virtual life.

HAHAHAH

coz I'm feeling so useless in my real life right now.

I'm gonna try and 

• interact more in my diary at LINE PLay, 
• post a story in AsianFanfics.com, 
• upgrade my cafe in iLoveCoffee, and 
• battle my way to greatness in EPIC, Battle For Moonhaven.

I hope I am rajin enough to pull this true though. LOL 

a/n: I actually need to pack my room but since I am lazy, I'll do it some other time. muahahah (Yes, mom. I don't feel like moving)

on another note: This is my 777 post. :)

. . .

Happy Hunger Games

and May the Odds be EVER in your favor.

yes, you've guessed it, I have finished reading the Hunger Games books.

and just like Twilight, I'm obsessing over this series now. and I want my Peeta!

hahaha I mean, he's funny and very warm. as explained in the books anyways. ;)

the first book; The Hunger Games

(cute kn? my Moo Tupperware xD)

second book; Catching Fire

third book; MockingJay

I am loving this new covers! Initially, I wanted the black covered one but the first Kinokuniya I went, didn't have them. they have the above instead. So, I collected them right away. Pretty dazzling the color. Love Love Love 

it took me almost two weeks to finish all three books.

I am amazed how the movie actually captured what was written in the books. even the dialogues. Applause to the screen writers for the movies. Nothing satisfy me more than when movies adapted the books correctly.

As always, books have more details but what's so amazing is that even though the movie is like the short-cut version of the book with a lot of modifications, I still understand the movie as of far.

Now, I am scared that I'm gonna be judging MockingJay part 2 movie. Since I already know the ending. 

Oh well, It was a good (very good) read. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with my life now. 

Maybe I should read some ancient Irish History to get me away from this real world once again.

LOL

morbid much?

Happiness in Reading.

. . .

one of these days

Seriously, 
I need to get a grip.
of my tongue.
Coz one of these days, I might slip something nasty out.
Nasty words.
I know I shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't even consider this.
OR even think about this.

Poor poor soul. they didn't even know that they're doing it. they must've thought we are all open-minded bastards.

I claimed myself the most open-minded one but I guess this little thing, I can't tolerate. or more correctly, I am trying but fail. I just can't. I can't open my mind to it. I can't.

Good thing I never claimed to be perfect. 
That would've contradict everything. 
phew~

hahaha 

I know, this post is like, blank.

if this feelings went on, I might have to say it out loud to my sister. She's my walking diary after all. Diari bergerak.
hahaha ha ha

Point is, I'm just worrying over what if one of these days I might burst and hurt people with my choice of words? What if?

Did you know physical wounds are easier to mend/heal than mental/feelings wounds?

I'm sure you do.

I know exactly how that feels and I don't want others to feel that too. 

not when I can help it.

sigh~

Tough shit

. . .

Two downs ...

Hello lovely people...

feels like I've been out of the radar these past few days. WEEKS actually.
blame my current obsession on wanting to meet my goal before the year is up; finishing all my unread novels.
I must've offended one of my close colleagues; she was trying to make empty/bonding conversation couple (give or take) of Fridays ago but I was in the middle of finishing Twilight, so being the absorbed person that I am when I started reading anything (mostly because when trying to read, I need to really just do that, read), I wasn't really into the conversation. Oh, I was aware though. Aware that she wanted to make that empty/bonding conversation but like I said, I'm set on my goals. So, I kinda hoping she'd understand that I just wanted to read my book for the two hours break we were given for Fridays afternoons and I think she did understand coz she concluded the conversation and went back to her table.
and today I noticed that I might have hurt her feelings from my actions; she hardly smile when I talked to her.
I wanted to say that I am sorry for my behavior, wanted so much to explain to her about my goals and whatnot but I guess I don't have to explain myself to her. to anybody, in fact. We're both grown ups (she's a mother of two btw) and if the simplest of things bothers her, then that's not on me. So, I continued to talk to her as per normal. I didn't know if that was enough though. At least, I tried.

anyhoo...
finished two more books last Sunday and Tuesday. 

Amazing books.
No magic-magic this time. No blood-blood.
Just pure human stories. 
that we all can relate.
I relate to these two books on so many levels I can't even began the list.
It's nice to finally have new images in my head. a much more real one too.
Loves, heartaches and overcomes.
Both stories was set in the UK, so I was more than excited to have some familiar names to read from the book. (UK is my second home before Korea came. LOL)
and let's not forget the slang too. a lot of 'bloody' and 'fcuk' swearing going on. 
terkenang daku zaman high school ku. zaman2 mengobsess Westlife (they're Irish though) and wanting SO much to be English (British to you)! hahah Zaman Smash Hits and Top of the Pop. hahah OMG.
anyway...
All in all, a good read; I laughed and shrieked a lot. a lot of shutting the book too psl tertlalu banyak scene yg 'menakutkan'. you know, like when you're watching a movie and the scene was unbearable to watch you just stop the movie? or if you're watching thru cable, you changed the channel until the scene is passed? yeah, I had that too when reading. I'm something, I know. hahaha

 Anyway, two down, a few hundreds (an exaggeration) more books to go.

Having a break tonight from books. 
but here I am, writing down for this post.
I guess I'm like Danielle De Barbarac; addicted to the written words.
and I don't think that's really a bad thing. xD

. . .

Diana

I finally watched Diana, a movie starring Naomi Watts 

and its about the love story of Diana, Princess of Wales, after her separation from Prince Charles. 
I don't know much about the late Lady Di, but she was actually very famous for her humanitarian acts and charity works.

I only know about her during her funeral news/coverage. the news was so huge that it was all over the radio (Brunei used to have a live broadcast of Capital FM, a famous UK radio station at that time) and Television. I even bought a magazine that solely covers the Funeral with Prince William and Prince Harry shown on the cover. and I am ashamed to tell you that the reason I bought the magazine was because I thought Prince William was cute. (LOL-ing at my childishness)
but being me, I ended up being more curious about the history rather than the scandal that surrounds her at that time (or more correctly, I don't remember reading anything about her scandal at that time. it's when I was older that I heard and understand what was really going on before her tragic death)

So, watching the movie, I wasn't much interested in her lovey-dovey side. I just wanted to see how much truth was put in it. I like how they relived or revamped features or dresses or scenes and speeches from the real ones. I know they're not all truth but it made me happy thinking that they're showing a 'behind-the-scene' footage/story from what I used to see old pictures. I've always loved the "history" behind things. It made you connects and understand a little more why things happened the way they did.

One thing I need to point out though. Towards the end of the movie, it was showed that Lady Di was actually the one who exposed to the press of her whereabouts when she was on vacation with Dodi. As much as I want to understand her intention was actually to catch the attention of her former boyfriend, Hasnat, I just thought that she shouldn't have done it. I mean, she could do little with the coverage, don't you think? She was already being swarmed by paparazzi as it is. I don't know if that part was made up or not but as I said, it would have been less stressful if she hadn't.

all the time when I was watching this movie, a One Direction song kept popping into my mind. it was called, Diana.


 
even from when i first heard this song, I was thinking about Lady Di. the chorus lah, very fitting. but thats just me. Lady Di is the only famous Diana that I know of.

After the movie ended, it occurred to me that yesterday would marked the 14 years of her death. She was killed in a car accident in Paris on 31th August 1997. in the movie, they remake the final moment of her life, thru the security footage at a Hotel's lift and also exit, and the date on at the bottom of the screen was 31.08.97. i feel sad for a second thinking about it. a final moment's in someone's life. how would you feel if that was actually a footage of your love ones?

RIP Diana, Princess of Wales. You showed people what should be done when you were given powers; help the underprivileged and raise the voice of the unheard. You were an amazing humanitarian. 

. . .

It hits. Hard

It suddenly dawn on me that, probably this time next year, I won't be hearing anymore reciting of the Surah during Tarawih time.

It saddened me. 

I've been living right besides a mosque for half of my life (most probably more) and my feel for Ramadhan and Syawal depended so much on hearing reciting of Surah during Tarawih and the Takbir when Syawal comes.

Sigh. 

I guess this is the part where I should follow this quote; Live life today, deals with tomorrow when it comes.

Masa, insyaAllah, masih panjang. I still have like more or less a year to not worry about my feel just yet.
Enjoy the moment. 

Besides, it's not like masjid jauh jua dari rumah baru atu. Well, not as close as the one we have now but yeah..maybe it'd be more festive there who knows.

. . .

Everybody. Modu. Semua.

I guess

We all are still learning about life.

About every aspect of it.

but why do I still feel like I learned nothing?

People will be people

나도 알아

I know.

since before aku paham erti hidup (aseh! :P), I know.

I know that no matter what, good or bad, people are gonna talk.

• Praising you.

• bad-mouthing you.

• Exaggerate things for you.

• They'll do it all.

As a human being, I can't help but feel super upset when I learned that a certain someone (or two) were/are actually talking behind my back. I know i'm not always a 'saint', and I know about 'karma' too but it still hurts.

What I often do when something like this happened, I tell myself that people are gonna talk. no matter how much you want to make them happy (impress them, whatever), they'll never gonna stop talking about you. Those kind of people don't matter. what was that saying? (menggoogle~~ :P) ah. "Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind" by Bernard M. Baruch.

*nod nod*

but still, sedih ku. 

am I that bad of a person?

Sometimes I think that I am.

#Twitter @Factsionary - Psychologists have proven that we tend to overestimate ourselves -- We are not as nice as we think we are. 

. . .