Another life disappointment

I am upset. very the upset.

I don't want to be including the IG seller here coz I feel like its not her doing but I still wanna. on second thoughts, I'm not gonna. Not becoz I'm classy but becoz I am lazy to screenshot. (ANDDD proceeded to screenshot anyway coz I'm lazy to type the whole thing)

So, back story:

back on Mar 17, 2020, I came across a picture on IG; Colorpop x Mulan collection. 

I'm a huge fan of Mulan and is excited for the Live action movie (which is still delayed by the way. at Cineplex it says they will be showing Mulan in Aug 2020), obviously I want to have this collection. 

I clicked on the user and those items were on Pre-Order basis and ETA was 3-4 weeks.

On Mar 18,2020 9:27am I made the preOrder. Full pymt was required. I don't have account with the seller's bank so I only bank-in the same day at 7pm.

and then, Covid Lockdown happened to the world.

I'm the type of buyer that doesn't like to chase. I don't want to bother or annoy the seller. 🤷

May 1, 2020. I finally asked the seller the update on my orders. Seller came back with a screenshot from Colorpop.

I understood the situation and thank the seller? but in reality, i was not happy with the seller. They should have contacted EVERY buyer in regards to that updates. Don't just expect me to come and ask you. but like i said, I understand and let it go.

June 17, 2020. I asked again for update. 

again, not very happy with the respond but what am I supposed to do? this thing is global.

and lastly July 19, 2020. the most devastating follow up ever. 

Once again, this seller just expect people to read their post. 

and most of all, the item is never gonna come. argh. 

Again, I understand its out of the seller's control but I would appreciate if they would just return my money in the mean time. 

Like the other previous Colorpop seller; when there was another month delay, they offered to refund first but once the item arrive, they will comeback to me first before reselling it in case I still one to purchase that item. 

This is ridiculous man. From Mar 18 till Jul 19, thats 4 months! the seller should've refunded first. 

Not that I would take the refund becoz I really want those collections. LOL 

but seeing how they didn't even think of refunding me, they seems confident that them items will definitely arrive? albeit, super delayed? 

That was what I was rooting for; my items to arrive!

tapi now, poof. Hancur harapan.

and will be refunded in 6 weeks? after I waited for 4 months?! That June respond was unnecassary. "in USPS transit" konon. false hope.

I'm never gonna do preOrder anymore after this. I have no problem preOrdering, I just want my items to arrive. and don't be calling me impatient. I asked this seller once a month for an update and not once did I request for a refund (coz goddammit i really one those collections!). If that is not patient, I don't know what is.

Sigh.

Look at them. 

So pretty.

So red.

So Mulan.

hanya dalam mimpi.

but if you can find this item anywhere, let me know. I might order this via ebay actually. might cost a fortune to ship but at least I will have it.

DM me.  

FOR ONCE I WANT A MAKEUP COLLECTION SO BAD!

. . .

Oh! here's the story from the Seller before this one.

2 weeks of sad, and my July Bujo Theme

Hi.

First of all, I am tired.

Second of all, there's nothing I can do about it.

Which then leads me to being super upset. I couldn't even push myself to do anything else but willow in self pity. I couldn't open my journal to write down my feelings. I didn't even start my Bujo July Theme until 15th July! Imagine!

So, here's what's that look like:

I forgot who's July Theme inspired me to do mine but it wasn't AmandaRachLee. hmmm..let me just *check my History on youtube* Ok, it was from annika's leaf.

It was simple and I thought I could use a change; from drawing/coloring myself to using craft papers.

which I happened to have a lot of. 

(these two are the only one I have at the moment)

After I finished that I thought I'd be happy or temporarily so but I wasn't. 

My heart was still heavy and my eyes burned. 

to simply put, I am not happy. Not at all. Yeah I laugh out loud but only becoz I can't be upset in front of people. 

No one cares. 

No one listens.

It's not their problem.

It's mine.

and I'm ashamed to admit but my brain, it went dark. it still is. 

I'm aware of it going dark. I remind myself to not be. but it continues. 

I know people's gonna say "You're overreacting" "You're being dramatic" "it's all in your head" and I'm telling you, I am aware. I'm aware that maybe I am overreacting. Maybe I am being dramatic. Yes, it's all in my head. 

but explain this:

I was listening to EXO -  Power, the supposedly uplifting song in Kpop and one of my favorite song as well but why the hell was I thinking about is jumping of a bridge?

tell me what was that all about?

I imagine a better future, I can see them but at the same time, I'm not going anywhere. I'm stuck here. in this body. in this shell of a body. and I am not happy.

I. am. not. happy.

I. am. not.

Tell me where I can find help.

. . .

Betrayed

Hi guys!

Another quick post.

Today I wanna talk about Sulli, a former f(x) member.

I know, shocking. She was never my favorite but when she was in f(x), I cheered for her too by default coz f(x) is my fav girl group.
until~ she decided to leave f(x) to pursue acting. 🙄

I only ever know she acted in one movie after she left f(x) and that movie wasn't well received. I also think she was in one historical kdrama but I don't know what become of that. 
Mostly, I saw her in mainstream online kpop media coverage over some 'inappropriate' posting on her personal IG (this part, I'm on her side: it's her Instagram and her life, she has all the rights to do what ever she wants) and being featured in/on magazines.

So, when SM announced last week that Sulli will be releasing a song, I rolled my eyes so hard that I fear you will see my whites from then on. LOL I was so annoyed and hating. dah tah aku memang anti kedia when she left f(x), telling people she wanted to act but barely doing any acting, and now, she's releasing a song?!

I feel the same way I did when Brian, former member of Westlife, left the group then not even a year later, releasing a song as a solo artist; Betrayed.

You ARE a singer when you were in the group. I 👏 JUST 👏 DON'T 👏 GET 👏 WHY 👏 YOU 👏 HAVE 👏 TO 👏 LEAVE 👏 IF 👏 YOU 👏 GONNA 👏 END 👏 UP 👏 BEING 👏 A 👏 SINGER 👏 STILL 👏

Ok, lah, lemme justify their actiona:

• maybe they weren't treated right
• maybe they wanted more say in what they can do artistically
• maybe they always wanted to be a solo artist

sigh

Just becoz I tried to be more understanding, doesn't mean I can't still resent them.

I mean, they left! and for some reason, that separation ends the group!

Ok lah..grateful each remaining members, both Westlife and f(x), ended up doing solo thing successfully, meaning we still get to see them around the entertainment industry. 

and let's not forget, currently Westlife is doing a world tour after almost a decade of disbandment. Maybe the same thing will happen to f(x) too? Lets us hope so.

as much as I resent Sulli, I'm curious about her solo. I wonder what kind of genre her song will be.




GASP! DID I JUST PROMOTE HER?!

. . .

Blogger at it again!

Hi guys.

Yes, Blogger's at it again.

I know, I know. I posted an update about Blogger JUST last week ago saying that they are working now. 
They really did. that time. 

but at around 16th May to 17th May, I noticed that when I checked my blog via my phone (safari.com) the images on my blog were gone. Like, where the picture was supposed to be are now black. 

Even my profile picture showing that 'broken image' icon. like, what is going on?

But really, my initial thought was, "Not again".

After trying all weekend to no avail, I gave up and sisredha.

The next week came and I asked from Zawir to see if he can see my blog, can see my pictures? He said he can. and I asked him to screenshot for me. he did.

WOULD. YOU. LOOK. AT. THAT.

PICTURES. EVERYWHERE!

My theory is confirmed!
Blogger only works when using wifi, a proper internet connection.
Blogger does not encourage tethering, an internet connection wanna-be.

Blogger is breaking my heart.

at first I was like, I'm gonna be spending so much time at Starbucks now.

and then I thought, I could be like everyone else in Brunei, apply for TelBru espeed (internet cable).

but should I really tho? would it be worth it? I mean would it worth my money?


Here's a little story time;

I've been hanging out in Starbucks for a while.
Thanks to my colleague who has been doing this since forever.
in the beginning, I was doing it to download my fav old movies and now, I still used it to download movies LEL!
She taught me how to download these movies using the TelBru Prepaid Wifi.
when she first mentioned that, my head hurt coz it sounded so complicated but when she showed me how to do it, it was actually very hassle free.
and I've been doing this every weekend since. My solace! *haaaaaaa*
This Prepaid wifi cost me $3 for 24hrs usage. I count it as $1 per hour and as long as I spent more than 3 hours there, kira balik model lah 😜. $3 per weekend, 4 times a month, equals $12. Good bargain. of course, jangan kira makan minum di Starbucks lah ah..😂😂


So, should I really apply for espeed? 
the cheapest package with high-speed data is $75 30mbps 50GB. 
I don't know if I want to commit to that every month.

I don't mind going out every weekend, coz at least I don't spend all day cope up at home doing nothing. Going out is good. even though it means I'll be spending some money.
I'll be spending money anyway! 

sigh.

I don't know. I've been thinking about espeed for a while now. but never come to any conclusion. 
I guess, it's not that urgent yet.
I mean, Blogger still work, just not at home. 
and as annoying as that sounds, I think I can manage. 
For now.

hmmm.. 

and the best I can do with my blog posts is scheduled them. Like, I can prepared them at home first, think of what image to attach and shit, then on the weekend I can upload. 
yeah
that could work.

or i will make it work.

Alright, that is all for now and I see you in the next post.

Raya is comming.

. . .

Rose-colored boi

found via Google

by Noxmoony on DeviantArt

Rose-colored boy

I hear you making all that noise

About the world you want to see

And oh, I'm so annoyed

'Cause I just killed off what was left of the optimist in me

I'm right at the end of my rope

A half-empty girl

Don't make me laugh, I'll choke

Just let me cry a little bit longer

I ain't gon' smile if I don't want to

Hey man, we all can't be like you

I wish we were all rose-colored too

I want you to stop insisting that I'm not a lost cause

'Cause I've been through a lot

Really all I've got is just to stay pissed off

Leave me here a little bit longer

I think I wanna stay in the car

I don't want anybody seeing me cry now

You say "We gotta look on the bright side"

I say "Well maybe if you wanna go blind"

You say my eyes are getting too dark now

But boy, you ain't ever seen my mind

Just let me cry a little bit longer

I ain't gon' smile if I don't want to

Hey, man, we all can't be like you

I wish we were all rose-colored too

. . .

December 18th

December 18th, 2017.

A Monday.

It had been a long time since I last had my 'Monday Blues'. while other people have Monday Blues, I have Busy Bee Monday.

I came to work on the dot and had already set my mind into 'work' mode. Meaning, no matter what happened; lots of customers, lots of transactions, "I'm gona get thru the day head on!"

and then the day end. I was just getting into my car when I saw a text from my bespren, "JONGHYUN DIED??"
confused and a little insulted, I texted back, "Whaaaaaaa"

Time was 7:24pm.

He told me to check IG.

I had not check my IG all day. I was on youtube (listening to horror search and rescue story that day) most of the time.

So, I checked my timeline. I see that most of the fanacct I followed did not say anything about it.

and when I finally did check my Explore page, my heart skipped a beat.

there it was, the news.
Jonghyun found dead. Send a suicide text to his sister. Dead by CO poisining.


Of course, my initial reaction was "denial".

I have never been so in denial ...ever.

but as the hour went on, the fanaccount I followed started to post about the incident, one by one.

Reading from the Explore page was such an agony.

Zawir said, "this is worse than a band breaking up"

I, on the other hand, kept texting back "omg"

sampai Zawir pun ckp "Can you say anything else??!"

I mean, what do you want me to say?

I was so tired from a long day, all I planned on doing that night was sleep early, and then this news attacked me.

It attacked the entire Kpop world!

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?

but nothing hits hard then when SM finally post an Official statement.

Nothing, I tell you.

I also kept on saying to myself, "What the hell Jonghyun? what the hell"

I know about his struggle with Depression. He talked about it often. I know.

but

I didn't think he would give up.

I didn't think he would end up choosing this path.

I kept thinking of his mother and sister whom he was super close with. whom he protected. whom he loved. whom loved him back. Honestly, atu yg ku pikirkan yg buat aku sedih.
next I thought of SHINee member; Minho and Taemin went to his concert on 10th Dec. Onew must've blamed himself for causing such big scandal for SHINee, and Key. Key as I understand it, was in Portugal. He was on the way back last night.

Part of me was so upset he chose that. very very upset.

But mostly,

I was sorry.

Sorry that I didn't think of him much during Onew's absence.

Taemin, Key and Minho news often pop up on social media as they were busy with their schedules.

the only time I smiled for Jonghyun was when fanaccounts started posting clips and images from his Inspiration Concert.

that was it.

he just had a concert.

I didn't think he would end his life in the midst of that.

I didn't ....

Typing this post the day after. 19th Dec. at a restaurant near my office. at 8:38am coz I couldn't do anything last night.

all I did was read IG, do laundry. played Dong Yi on my DVD but only as my background music, and the last time I see the clock on my phone, it showed 2:48am

I woke up to my alarm at 6am. then another alarm went off around 6:10am, from StarPop game app.

Jonghyun voice telling me to wake up.

then it hit me again.

I remembered that my dream had been me crying in so many random places.

my heart.
you know that feeling of difficulty breathing when you started crying your heart out?
it felt that way the moment I opened my eyes.

If Brian leaving Westlife in 2004 was bad news,
Jonghyun passing is worst.

Shawol decided to turn their DM to white instead of black.
Becoz Jonghyun had been in the dark. So black is too depressing.
White is the light.

I think thats what they meant.

gosh, I could go on forever with this but what's the point?

- stopped at 9:03am coz gotta go back to work -

- SHINee Romantic and Leona Lewis Run on repeat all day -

- continue editing 9:38pm -

I'm not giving up on my life, if that's what you're worrying about.

I'm just gonna be sad.

maybe this news don't hit me as hard as it did to other Shawol, but when you're presented with such devastating news, something that didn't even cross your mind in the slightest, I think, I am allowed to be sad.

as a Shawol, especially after Onew's scandal 3 months ago, all I've been thinking about is seeing SHINee as 5.

it's all I know. SHINee is not SHINee if one member missing.

I don't remember a SHINee concert without Jonghyun. maybe he did miss a couple during his recovery from his car accident. that was like way back when he still drives his Kia Sonata? way before he bought that Lambogini. I'm not in the mood to Google actual year.

anyway, pokoknya, kalau ada SHINee concert, mestilah ada Jonghyun. he the main vocalist!

I wonder what will happened to SHINee Dome Concerts in Japan, February 2018.

SMEnt has cancelled all SM artist event since 18th Dec night. 

19th Dec is the start of the funeral service and i think it will end on 21st Dec.

i think it's fitting SHINee member to be his chief mourners; Jonghyun been telling the public that SHINee is his family.

sigh.

No, I have not cry. while I'm awake.

I dread seeing the other 4 members on the 21st Dec.

. . .

my sources are mostly from IG posts. Images screetshot by me, cropped with the IG account name that posted it.

what made my stomach churned, when I see Jonghyun's wiki page was already updated with his death date, like way before SM Statement was released.

one last screenshot. read the caption.

It's what I hoped for too but, I think he didn't want to fight anymore. 
there's also a part of me that say he didn't want to be saved.


This is all still so unreal to me.


. . .

Tell Me What To Do

Post Worthy 7.1016

So, it's Hari Raya and you know what that means?

it's that time of the year you go visiting (which called BERAYA to) your grandma's place, cousin's place and friend's place.

you know what's more tear jerking moment than reminiscing the old times?
it's when you go Beraya but you were on your phone the entire visit.

I have a first hand experience on that.

Might as well you don't come and visit if you're gona be on your phone all the time.

Don't blame people if you no one wants to talk to you or bother to make a conversation.

don't even blame the phone.

Coz you're the human one and the decision, the choice is yours.

#PutDownYourPhone and #MakeRealConversation

Image credit to respective owners.

. . .

me being a girl, ranting ...

I seriously need to polish my interviewee skill.

and I think interviewer should at least do their homework too. Like, prepare your questions? 

Just my opinion
but I believe conversation comes from both sides.
You can't expect me to just talk, can you?
It's the first time we are meeting each other. 
We both are awkward.
Since I'm the interviewee, I think I am allowed to 'speak when spoken to'.
You on the other hand should at least keep the conversation going.

Seriously, I've been interviewed by this company twice and both times been like that.

I know interviews are meant to be quote serious unquote but still.

I've been to a lot of interviews and no matter how strict the nature of the interview was at least they know what they were doing and asking of me.

I know. I'm ranting. and some of you might think, "It's not the interviewer, it's you" bla bla bla but really, as disappointed as I am with myself, I still think it could've been better on their side too.

Sigh.

Not all of us is a natural in keeping a conversation going, ok? 

moving on~

a/n: One down, three to go (if the opportunity arises)

. . .

Diana

I finally watched Diana, a movie starring Naomi Watts 

and its about the love story of Diana, Princess of Wales, after her separation from Prince Charles. 
I don't know much about the late Lady Di, but she was actually very famous for her humanitarian acts and charity works.

I only know about her during her funeral news/coverage. the news was so huge that it was all over the radio (Brunei used to have a live broadcast of Capital FM, a famous UK radio station at that time) and Television. I even bought a magazine that solely covers the Funeral with Prince William and Prince Harry shown on the cover. and I am ashamed to tell you that the reason I bought the magazine was because I thought Prince William was cute. (LOL-ing at my childishness)
but being me, I ended up being more curious about the history rather than the scandal that surrounds her at that time (or more correctly, I don't remember reading anything about her scandal at that time. it's when I was older that I heard and understand what was really going on before her tragic death)

So, watching the movie, I wasn't much interested in her lovey-dovey side. I just wanted to see how much truth was put in it. I like how they relived or revamped features or dresses or scenes and speeches from the real ones. I know they're not all truth but it made me happy thinking that they're showing a 'behind-the-scene' footage/story from what I used to see old pictures. I've always loved the "history" behind things. It made you connects and understand a little more why things happened the way they did.

One thing I need to point out though. Towards the end of the movie, it was showed that Lady Di was actually the one who exposed to the press of her whereabouts when she was on vacation with Dodi. As much as I want to understand her intention was actually to catch the attention of her former boyfriend, Hasnat, I just thought that she shouldn't have done it. I mean, she could do little with the coverage, don't you think? She was already being swarmed by paparazzi as it is. I don't know if that part was made up or not but as I said, it would have been less stressful if she hadn't.

all the time when I was watching this movie, a One Direction song kept popping into my mind. it was called, Diana.


 
even from when i first heard this song, I was thinking about Lady Di. the chorus lah, very fitting. but thats just me. Lady Di is the only famous Diana that I know of.

After the movie ended, it occurred to me that yesterday would marked the 14 years of her death. She was killed in a car accident in Paris on 31th August 1997. in the movie, they remake the final moment of her life, thru the security footage at a Hotel's lift and also exit, and the date on at the bottom of the screen was 31.08.97. i feel sad for a second thinking about it. a final moment's in someone's life. how would you feel if that was actually a footage of your love ones?

RIP Diana, Princess of Wales. You showed people what should be done when you were given powers; help the underprivileged and raise the voice of the unheard. You were an amazing humanitarian. 

. . .

Poor f(x)

After 3 weeks, they have stopped promoting their 3rd Album, Red Light.
read below for more details on that matter.

udah tah cHenry punya comeback kana buat a week after f(x)'s. and then this happened.

Poor poor f(x).

Ever since I watched SM's movie, I AM and f(x)'s Gangsta Boy dance practice video, I've been having thoughts on how Sulli isn't feeling 'it' ('it' = being an artist, and everything that came with that title).

and if you read the reaction below regarding the above situation, you'd see that I am not the only one yg thought so.

But of course, these are just my thoughts. Everyone is entitled to voice out their opinion.

I only ever like Luna and Amber in that group to begin with but I still like f(x) as a whole. From my non-professional  point of view, each of them are very talented individual. So, it's sad to see/read this kind of news about them. Especially when my mind is clouded with the bias-ness of SM making a Solo concert for EXO despite f(x) being EXO's senior. As far as I know, f(x) been working just as hard. 

and seeing a group of 5 became 4, made me a little sensitive. 
Remember Westlife? 
I know f(x) is not missing a member but this may lead to that, who knows, right?
it's very upsetting.

I saw (and liked) a post on IG that says, "Some illuminati shit is going on at the sm building".

As much as I want to hate SM like everybody else do, I just, don't know anymore. I mean,  I don't know about KangTa and Zhang LiYin but
BoA is doing fine, is she not? Just recently she releases a Japanese new single.
SHINee just finished their series of their 3rd solo concerts.
Super Junior is having a comeback soon (Ultimate Leader Leeteuk is BACK!!)
SNSD just celebrated their 7th anniversary.
and despite the Kris issue, EXO is 'meletop' with their the Lost Planet concert.

Who knows what's really going on within f(x). they have more individual activities than they do as a group; Victoria spent so much time in China for school and dramas, Krystal busy with her 'solo' magazine spread and currently doing a TV show with big Sister Jessica, Amber doing Show Champion and A Song for You MC-ing, and I don't really know what's Luna and Sulli are doing most of the time. Luna probably still MC-ing for the Korea MTV the Show, I'm not sure.

So you see, we don't really know (EVER) what's going on within that group.

All I can do now is wish that they'll light some truth so we could stop speculating and assuming things.

What hurt the most, after all of the above, SM is debuting a new 4-membered girl group called Red Velvet, soon. hmm.. 


a/n: I know. I made a very long post on this 'issue' and I'm a Shawol. LOL.

. . .