When I grow up

When I was 11, I wish I was a good sister, 

like Violet.

When I was 14, I wish I was secretly a Princess,

like Princess Mia.

When I was 17, I wish I was smart,

like Hermione.

When I was 21, I wish I could run a company,

like Richie Rich.

When I was 25, I wish I was famous,

like Pussycat Dolls

but

by 29, I wish I'll be a cool mom,

like Ted's mom.

. . .

Too Soon

there are two things that I find too soon for me;

1. to read Five Days Left by Julie Lawson Timmer

2. to watch Along with the Gods : The Two Worlds

the book was too raw for me coz I tried to baca on early Jan. but by the beginning of chapter 3, I can not take it and stopped.
the story was about a woman sick with cancer and planned to take her own life at her own term. Instead of waiting for the cancer to claim her life, she decided to take her own life before the cancer did.
the part yg made me felt a lump in my throat was when she set the date of when she's going to take her life.
I feel like Jonghyun was like that too. He already set a date. there was excert from an interview where he said he wanted to rest in Dec/2017 no matter what. I just thought, as I read that book first chapter, "he planned it"
there was that security guard punya witness account about what Jonghyun was doing in the last moment at the apartment he rented; he was driving fast and making lots of noise with his car. a fan said he was contemplating. He must've had second thoughts. sigh
every time I thought if this, there are lots of "if only"

The Two Worlds was a lot tougher to handle but I get thru it. (Pasal liat diwayang. nothing else I can do but watch sampai habis LOL)
this one lagi dashyat. my heart skipped a bit part the funeral scene.
as we know, I have read a lot of article during/after Jonghyun's funeral.
Part yg aku feel was when the movie's main character's mother sat in front of her son potrait and then there was an annoucement about putting the body into the casket.
during Jonghyun's, a post said his was done privately in the presence of  his loved ones.
So, from reading to watching and hearing an enactment of that scene is hard.
I shed a tear towards the end of the movie. bukan nangis berabis. just shed a tear. LOLbut really ut was mostly becoz I was so emerse in that movie. argh! no wonder it become 2nd highest grossing Korean movie. thumbs up

I finally understand when people posted warnings before continue reading a post.

I felt a lump in my throat and my hear skipped a beat from the above. I'm sure others might be a lot more emotional and will be triggered easily.

Some still need to time to heal

I don't know if I am healed or apa, but like i once said, you can never get over a death of your love ones, you just learn to cope and move on.

. . .

Composed on: 15th Feb 2018
Edited on: 14th Mar 2018

1. finished reading Five Days Left (read most of the book on 3rd and 4th Mar, and finished the rest on 9th Mar) and boy that was tough! I kept catching my breath at some parts. I kept wondering if that was what went thru Jonghyun's head. Like, he kept having second thoughts but certain things happened and his decision became more resolute.
2. Life goes on.

Living in your shadow

I'm 27 years old and soon to be 28.

I think I can live on my own.

I always dream about living alone in a small apartment; doing things at my own pace at my own time.

It's not the norm here in Brunei, of course. Unless you live in Bandar but work in KB or Temburong which most people often either share rented house with other colleagues or stay with a relative. but if you live in Bandar and work in Bandar, it's weird to not live at your own house. (I've never heard anyone of my cousins (yg bujang) ever live alone di Bandar ani. So I don't know about other people ah).

I wonder what the reaction would be if I was to make this dream of mine reality. Kajut beruk kali eh semua urg.

hahahah

I mean, 
One; I'm perempuan. I don't think it's advisable to live alone. (but I'm often left alone when semua urg jalan/melepak/etc till so late at night. When we were in the phase of moving house, I was often alone coz my mom stayed at the new house during renovations.)

Two: I can just hear my uncles and aunties saying, 'Rumah mama mu basar atu, inda kan tinggal arah lain?' 'Kesian jua mama mu sorang2 tu' yadda yadda yadda 

Three: My mom would think we all trying to leave her. as in 'buang' ia or something. -.- my question to those parents who felt like they are being left behind is this, "Didn't you live your parents to raise your family?" If they answer me "atu lain" my retort would be "sama saja pun. you leave them behind, to build a life of your own. and visited them (if rajin) on weekends only" am I correct? or am I right?

Four: People would think I'm selfish. Yes, maybe. but isn't this the dream of so many people? Inda kan aku mesti kawin baru tah bulih pindah rumah? Didn't mother always said to me (to us all really) to 'Pandai-pandai tah kamu bah eh' which translated into 'be independent'?? So how am I supposed to be independent when I still live with my mom? right? ლ(ﾟдﾟლ)

I was once labelled 'too liberal' by some saloon aunty, I remember blushing when she said that but I don't know if I was offended or ashamed or 'caught'.
But i think now that I don't mind being labelled 'liberal' which in her context it means 'freedom' 'independent'. 
Coz I know I can be independent if you would just give me the chance, mom!
(┛◉Д◉)┛彡┻━┻

Haha

I wish I've discussed the above matter with mom but no. of course not. I'm Asian with a very strict Asian mom. you think I would win this debate? (￣□￣)

Possibility of losing and ended up cutting my mom of my life would be too high.

Hahahaha

Well, as a good friend of mine once said, "Angan-angan atu free"

☜-(ΘLΘ)-☞

. . .