Penny Thoughts

composed/edited last: 15th Apr
updated 20 Dec 6:32pm
ready to post 20 Dec 7:40pm

This draft was titled Internet and after reading and retyping everything, 
I'm just gonna title it Penny Thoughts (coz Penny For Your Thoughts)


I didn't know how to internet until I was 15.
But only becoz I don't have a complete excess to it.
I couldn't even 'search' for Westlife with whatever search engine there was back then.

I don't know where I'm going with this but bear with me, yeah?


I don't how I started, but whenever anything happened, I would recall back everything that I did before that particular happening.

For example, when bad things happened, I would go back and think of the things I did that wasn't particularly right or nice.

come to think of it, I only ever wonder of the bad things, never the good things.

Sometime I remember old memories in details and I don't like it.
It's funny how I remember them like that but can't remember the important stuff for school/work to safe my life. ๏̯͡๏

I think the reason why I remember the embarrassing part of my life the most is because God is telling me stop being so judgmental coz I'm worse. LOL

Stopped judging people who are less fortunate, like not knowing certain things, becoz you didn't know better back then too.

I think the reason why I was hard on some people is becoz their behavior now reminded me of myself back then and I don't want them to end up doing embarrassing things like I did. (◡‿◡✿)

I want people to be better than me

or, to put it simply

i hate seeing myself in other people, it's not really a pleasant thing to experience.

that is why I want you to be better than I was. than I am.

You gotta.


I was once told, me feeling bad for myself is all in my head and that no one could help me with that.

I don't think I'm even mildly a depress person but that is not something you should say to anyone. If you can't offer a word of comfort, the least you could do is to just nod and make a sympathetic expression.

what if I'm a real depress individual? what if I have suicidal tendency?



Where am I going with this? ◐.̃◐

Right

hahahaha


I'm not going anywhere with this coz I'm only trying to write down my thoughts.

😂😂

I told someone that 2 years prior (me telling her that story), I was depressed. I didn't realize that I was until it passed. When I was telling her that, I only meant how that work environment made me depressed. you know, sharing stories and shiz.
2 years later, you wanna know what I found out ? 
This person told someone else, "She's not depressed. Just seeking for attention"

and I was like, ◔̯◔ "Wow. Thanks".

I think I've talked about depression WAYYYYYYYYY before Dec 2017.

Just becoz I finally more open about it now, doesn't mean I'm going mainstream, ok?

Even if it's now mainstream, that doesn't mean it's any less real to the real sufferer.

Sigh.

I think, with everything that's been going on, it's coming back.

I'm scared that I'm losing it.

Which is why I'm trying to busy myself with so many things.

It's driving me nuts.


For months now, my head has been railing with so many thoughts. 

I mean it always has been but now it's overwhelming.

I feel myself feeling overwhelm by it.


the FAQs include;

Why I feel stagnant?

Why everything I do doesn't seem to be right?

Why is everyone so annoying?

Why can't I stand up?

Why am I not getting any better?


They say I will get over this, there'll be a better day, grass is just as green on this side, time heals all wounds, this too will passed.


But all I want is for it to pass now.

. . .

Posting Story again

I posted on AFF again.

a oneshot story.

I'm nervous but I am also relief that I finally did it.

Thanks to Aziz for the brief pep talk.

v(=∩_∩=)ﾌ

before I posted it, I was worried about how many people will bother to read it? ಥ_ಥ

Then after I posted it, seeing people actually bother to view the 'foreword' section, I was thankful. At least people are aware that the story exist.

I'd be lying if I said I was not down knowing people saw the existent of the story but not reading the actual story.
I was down.
but I said to myself; if I continued to post on blogspot knowing I don't have that many readers, posting on AFF is no different.

the only difference is; 
here on blogspot, its all real (albeit covered), 
on AFF, its entirely fiction (sorta :P)

You see, people like me, need to just get on with it. Just Do It. 
coz if we don't, we will end up procrastinating. forever. and we know procrastinating is not a progress.
at least, me posting that story is a step forward for me.
Small steps but still moving forward.

So, Yay me! for finally posting a story up on there.

Currently preparing the next story to post. I've been working on it for months. I just feel like I need to continue looking for that 'it' factor before finally posting them.

I am trying to write something out of my comfort zone. You know, challenging myself.

Hopes I pull thru.

Pray for me.

xD

. . .

Reviews? Part 1

for the first time ever, I'm putting up reviews of the cosmetics that I am using (albeit only once up to this moment :P)

and the first one that I'm going to review today is *drum rolls*

LIPHOP Red Lip Gloss
Wine Lip Tint
no. 06
I don't know if this is a genuine Korean product; most of the writings at the back and sides are in Korean though. *shrug*

bought this in Miri, Sarawak, Malaysia at one of the cube shops. 
reasons for buying: kpop! (Lipstick, Chateau wainbit keolleo La la la la) cEXO punya lagu, Lotto.
the funny part is, the song didn't even said anything about a lipgloss/liquid lipstick thingy. it was just mentioning the color of a lipstick: wine color. but somehow this kind of liquid lipstick/lip gloss became so pamos! 
I must be missing something.
in the beginning I don't want to be like everybody else,but then I also thought, come on, I'm a girl and I can buy this. LOL
and so I did. :P

anyways, 

the Reviews:

i/ Fully pigmented from the first stroke. one dip into the tube can already cover my whole lips.

ii/ multiple coats will results in dark spots.

iii/ When dry, it doesnt transfer. 

Even when I was putting on some lipbalm (coz it became too dry) the color does not transfer to my finger (not picture for this one)


iv/ I know! it says 'Lipgloss' but it doesn't gloss. Instead, it becomes matte.

v/ but once my lips touches water, the tint wear off like what 

vi/ the first time it wears off, I was still so impress at how much color my lips still have

vii/ HARD to wash off completely. Even after I use my make up remover. So, I have to constantly wash my lips with water.

End of reviews.

Seems like I have more cons and pros
but
Will I wear it again? Heck yeah. coz I love the color! (and I'm not about wasting :P)
ganya, I don't know when I'll wear it again since aku pun jarang pakai lipstick going anywhere anyway hahaha

Zawir bought me another one 

(THANKS BRUH!) 
I'm pretty sure this one is a China version. forgive me if I am wrong.
I'm still not very sure what brand both these lip tint are from.
I used it the day before I used the above but I didn't think of reviewing it just then. So, the review on that one will come nanti2 lah. xD


First time reviewing is so nerve wrecking and yet so satisfying!



. . .

Emotions

Emotions run high today. or rather, kemarin.

It was the final day before the half-yearly bank closing etc plus we were all anxious about finishing our workload in fear that on Saturday would be the public holiday for Ramadhan.

Rude words were exchanged. Snide remarks shouted everywhere. Particularly from this woman from another unit. I admit that it was partly because of me being 'serious' to her. and when I was raising my voice to my juniors, 'the' woman screamed back to me. Well, she had her back at me but I knew it was meant for me. Macam, dude! Terasa plang di sana atu!
Panas lah hati ku. Malu pasal, luan jua inda betauliahnya bekeraja ani? I know tani satu department, tapi meneriaki cematu atu (walau cemana stress pun kau) kurang ajar bah tu. Besyukur ku kalau ku marah, aku prefer diam2 walaupun hati ku rasa kan teriak2. Satu, ko memalukn urg. Dua, ko memalukn diri sendiri.

Tapi lapas tu we were ok coz I asked her why she screamed so loud when I was raising my voice to my juniors. She said she couldn't remember why she screamed. I think, we both became adult there; eventhough kami tau what happened tapi we decided to let it go.

and then, I realised, in that place, we are all Dobby.

Yes, Dobby the HouseElf from Harry Potter series.
Why?
Because, We are slaved to the management. We hated them for being too cruel and even so we still love  our job (and that overcome the shitty environment). At certain point we also defended them because they are our 'master'.
Macam Dobby kn? Slaved, mastered but we love our job. (I mean, I love my job and my routine. I just hate the environment)
of course, we are not bound for life at BBB.
I could just walk away but I have commitments to take care of. bukan urg kaya kn sanang2 beranti bila 'had enough'.
If only...

Anyway, I just thought of a phrase; memang bulih meminta maaf and memaafkan. tapi hati kalau sudah tersinggung, sampai mati pun masih ingat. 
bak kata pepatah ong puteh, 'Forgive but Never Forget!'.

Yatah, kadang2, baik diam2. Kalau marah, jan luan ikut emosi and cakap suka2 hati or teriak suka2 hati. take a deep breath and think for a moment. Ingat, klu tani memalukan urg, bukn maruah urg sja gugur, meruah tani pun ikut gugur. Why? dah tani inda lagi terhormat kn urg, cemana urg kan hormat tani? Kan?

Ani untuk muhasabah diri ku jua. Kan aku ani pun pemental jua. tapi tujuh taun ku keraja, inda ku pernah meneriaki urg cematu. Sungguh kurang ajaran! Inda betauliah! Awu! sakit ati ku masih mengenangkannya. I know aku patut bersih kan hati pasal inda lagi batah Ramadhan tiba tapi..eh. adang tah. ada yg inda beraya karang taun ani. Hahaha ganas..

eh..baik tah..

. . .

just. BIZARRE

So, I found out about this 'remove Jonghyun from SHINee' news, like 15 mins or so ago.
and I made it my business to know whats really going on.

Turns out it's about Jonghyun supporting this movement about Gay Rights (or something like that).

I saw his tweet that time and I even saw how it stirred up the cyber world (or maybe just the kpop world). at that time I thought, it wasn't that big of a deal. I mean, to each their own, right?

Skali, today, when I opened my asianfanfics account, I saw someone posted a petition to counter the petition 'remove Jonghyun from SHINee'.
and I was like, "COME ON".
I really still think that it wasn't that big of a deal.

because, Jonghyun was just supporting them thru his own perspective point of view. and I quote "As a celebrity who deals with the public, I feel a sense of loss in a world that does not acknowledge changes."

So what if he's really gay? I don't care! (coz he's not Onew. so, it's fine. LOL)

I mean, didn't the kpop world (or just Shawol) always going on about shipping JongKey? a.k.a. Jonghyun and Key?
Isn't Key a boy/guy/man/male?
don't these people kept on and on and on about what a cute couple they would be?

alright, maybe these people didn't actually petition to throw Jonghyun out of SHINee. maybe it's from a different crowd.

BUT STILL!

it's his life! it's his opinion!

who are we to judge (anybody), really?!

I find it bizarre especially when people wanted him out of SHINee. I mean, come on! without Jonghyun SHINee wouldn't be here. he's that important to that group.

and so much more bizarre that I'm making this post about him. LOL

all I'm saying is that, we all have our own opinion on something. and supporting Gay Rights is Jonghyun's, so why can we just let that be?

. . .

Trust Onew. Just Trust Him!

Trust him what? you asked?

Trust him to be clumsy and make a situation awkward. That's what.





I love him. I do.
but he's so weird.
and cute.

ahahaha


. . .