Penny Thoughts

composed/edited last: 15th Apr
updated 20 Dec 6:32pm
ready to post 20 Dec 7:40pm

This draft was titled Internet and after reading and retyping everything, 
I'm just gonna title it Penny Thoughts (coz Penny For Your Thoughts)


I didn't know how to internet until I was 15.
But only becoz I don't have a complete excess to it.
I couldn't even 'search' for Westlife with whatever search engine there was back then.

I don't know where I'm going with this but bear with me, yeah?


I don't how I started, but whenever anything happened, I would recall back everything that I did before that particular happening.

For example, when bad things happened, I would go back and think of the things I did that wasn't particularly right or nice.

come to think of it, I only ever wonder of the bad things, never the good things.

Sometime I remember old memories in details and I don't like it.
It's funny how I remember them like that but can't remember the important stuff for school/work to safe my life. ๏̯͡๏

I think the reason why I remember the embarrassing part of my life the most is because God is telling me stop being so judgmental coz I'm worse. LOL

Stopped judging people who are less fortunate, like not knowing certain things, becoz you didn't know better back then too.

I think the reason why I was hard on some people is becoz their behavior now reminded me of myself back then and I don't want them to end up doing embarrassing things like I did. (◡‿◡✿)

I want people to be better than me

or, to put it simply

i hate seeing myself in other people, it's not really a pleasant thing to experience.

that is why I want you to be better than I was. than I am.

You gotta.


I was once told, me feeling bad for myself is all in my head and that no one could help me with that.

I don't think I'm even mildly a depress person but that is not something you should say to anyone. If you can't offer a word of comfort, the least you could do is to just nod and make a sympathetic expression.

what if I'm a real depress individual? what if I have suicidal tendency?



Where am I going with this? ◐.̃◐

Right

hahahaha


I'm not going anywhere with this coz I'm only trying to write down my thoughts.

😂😂

I told someone that 2 years prior (me telling her that story), I was depressed. I didn't realize that I was until it passed. When I was telling her that, I only meant how that work environment made me depressed. you know, sharing stories and shiz.
2 years later, you wanna know what I found out ? 
This person told someone else, "She's not depressed. Just seeking for attention"

and I was like, ◔̯◔ "Wow. Thanks".

I think I've talked about depression WAYYYYYYYYY before Dec 2017.

Just becoz I finally more open about it now, doesn't mean I'm going mainstream, ok?

Even if it's now mainstream, that doesn't mean it's any less real to the real sufferer.

Sigh.

I think, with everything that's been going on, it's coming back.

I'm scared that I'm losing it.

Which is why I'm trying to busy myself with so many things.

It's driving me nuts.


For months now, my head has been railing with so many thoughts. 

I mean it always has been but now it's overwhelming.

I feel myself feeling overwhelm by it.


the FAQs include;

Why I feel stagnant?

Why everything I do doesn't seem to be right?

Why is everyone so annoying?

Why can't I stand up?

Why am I not getting any better?


They say I will get over this, there'll be a better day, grass is just as green on this side, time heals all wounds, this too will passed.


But all I want is for it to pass now.

. . .