2019: A Year of Change

for some reason, this was in the draft section since 10th Mar 2019 and was empty.

hmmm

Hi guys.

we are now in June 2019! half way thru the year already. wow. time flies.

So, as mentioned, this draft was left empty since 10th Mar 2019. I checked thru my draft notes in my laptop and found one notes that was dated 10 Mar too. It was obviously raw and not suitable for direct posting. I might hurt a few hearts. but do I really care? muahahah 

I actually still care, hence, the edited version below.

Here go:

composed on 10th Mar 2019.

Hello everyone and anyone.

I know, I abandoned this page for so long.

I even almost not come back at all. 

but here I am.

I really don't know why I should continue to be here. It's not like my life depended on it.

I guess I'm just not ready to part ways from this part of my old life.


Blogging had been my life since forever. I think I started when I was 15? Back when Friendster was a thing. LOL Friendster had a blog feature where your friends got notification whenever you posted something and when I finally switched to Blogspot, none of my readers came along with me. 

it demotivated me a little bit but I still continued to post. soon after, friends started making their own blog and we shared/exchanged stories and comments.

As we grew as an individual, I guess people grew out of blogging too. Except me. I'm still here, as if holding up the fort.

more years passed and I mentioned a lot in my posts on how me too no longer 'feeling it'.

Am I grown?

or

Am I tired of holding the fort?

Maybe I am.

I turned 31 last year. I'll be 32 this year. For some reason, that hit me hard.

at first, I thought it was becoz I thought I lagged behind everybody. Thirty One years Old and still the same old me; achieving only in growing old, stuck in the same old routine year after year.

You would think, someone who read a lot like myself wouldn't have such negative thoughts. 
You thought wrong.
I used to tell people how I'm a self-motivated person. I began believing in it too. 
Until I realized how tiring that ish was (still is).
Your mind is spent and your heart is heavy, do you have any idea how hard it is to stay motivated/positive during that phase?
I also used to think that I was strong mentally and physically.
boy, was I mistaken. LOL
Well, maybe I am strong both mentally and physically or I wouldn't be here talking about this right now.

Realizing all this and accepting that my life has come to this, I decided to let go on a lot of things.

They say it's never too late to push reset and start over.

So, for the past six months I've been working on my well being;
1. Me is enough
2. Me matter
3. I can't change the world overnight. so chill.
4. Stop worrying about what others think of me.
5. Control my emotion especially at work (coz GOD know I have a problem in that ish place LOL)
6. my self improvement is important.

And something happened on my 7th month.

I've worked hard for this mindset and soul to be at peace and for me to fall back into the me from 6 months ago is such a waste of time. 
To fall back to the same routine/dark-mindset all over again? I don't have the capacity in my mind and in my soul for such burden anymore.
I used to think "let's just follow the flow" but I don't want to be that easy anymore.
I wanna work hard towards a new goal in life. Especially with my life. I'm important too. 
I have the obligation to better myself before I can worry about other people.

I really don't want to go back to 6 months ago. I can't and I refuse. I am only going to focus on moving forward.


Wow! I was so deep back in March. LOL wow.
I surprise myself too most of the time. Every time I read back my old thoughts, I'm impressed on how well I write/type. HAHAHAH and now back to the present.

Like, I said, the above is filtered for 'tayangan umum'. There were two more pages of thoughts but I don't think it's quite relevant for today's title.

I don't think I planned that post as a New Year Resolution coz I hate that term: 'Resolution'. who started that ish? I think i just want to say that I'm trying to change my life routine and be selfish for once. obviously old habit die hard; I can't just be completely selfish. but I'm gonna try.

Have you ever feel or felt this way before? How did you overcome or deal with yours? Share your thoughts down in the comment box.

if you read up till here, you the real MVP. and thank you.

See you in the next post.

ciao~

. . .