AJ Awang: September 2018

composed 02 Sep 2018. 4:13pm
Finished composing: 7:21pm
Start editing: 7:21pm
Done: 8:01pm
re-edit: 9:08pm

This was supposed to be made on 1st Sep but as always, when composing something in anger, I usually will not post them right away.
for someone with extreme temper like myself, I know very well that nothing came out good when you do things out of anger.

I composed the original on my phone on 31st Aug.
I might still not post this up yet.

Why not, you might ask?
becoz I'm not sure what I wanted to tell.
the truth?
the glossed-over truth?
the vague truth?

I just hope when I finally decided to post this up, it's not gonna end up a very messy essay. LOL

Anyway,
I try putting my "Misconception" in point form. let's see how things go from there.

but before we continue, a few notes;

NOTE 1: THIS IS A LONG ASS RIDE. So, if you don't feel like reading to the end, LEAVE.

NOTE 2: make your judgement ONLY AFTER YOU READ TILL THE END.

NOTE 3: Vulgar language is used. maybe.

1. I am not rich.

I don't know why this is on top my head when I started the list.
But I feel like this is the biggest Misconception of Me of all.
coz for some reason people thought I have an overflowing supply of cash (Aminn Ya Rabb!)
Anything I have, anything I bought (both planned and impulsively), I earned them.
Yes, I may ended up "broke" becoz of it, but I still earned it.
Like what my sister told me just recently; "Bukan inda mampu, inda mau" I cannot translate that into English at this moment.
There's this famous malay saying; "Di mana ada kemahuan, di situ ada jalan" and another, "Nak hendak seribu daya, tak hendak seribu dalih".
I'm not saying I live by these sayings but I applied this to anything involving money.
So, don't come to me and said, "easy for you to say, ko kaya ah" (Ya Allah, Aminn aku kaya) but no.
Aku mampu untuk benda yang aku mahu sahaja.

2. My temper.

Yes, I know, I have bad temper.
it's becoming a huge 'issue' at work.
it's 'affecting' my work.
◔_◔
one: it doesn't.
two: marah ku bukan tanpa sebab.
and it is especially an issue when I'm quiet.
three: I know I'm ugly when I'm angry, so I prefer to stay quiet.
four: or would you prefer I lash out with angry words?
another issue that came to my attention is that, people thought they cannot point out MY mistake to me. becoz, according to them, I got pissed.
щ(ಠ益ಠщ)
five: when you talk shit behind my back or make snide comments that you thought I did not hear, at those times, were you thinking of my feelings?
six: so, I don't understand why you care if I get angry when you try pointing out my mistake to me.
You once said that pointing out mistake is to teach us. So, teach me. So what if I got pissed?! you don't care about my feelings any other time. so why care how I feel when you tell me I make a mistake? or in malay, takut kan bagitau aku, yang aku buat salah?
seven: you shouldn't be scared. Ko lurus. Aku salah. it's that simple. Fuck my temper if you truly want me to learn and better myself.
Why then, I'm pissed when my mistake is being pointed out to me?
It's the way you pointed them out to me.
Eight: you pointed them out in front of everybody as a lesson.
Nine: When you worried about my anger, you straight up not tell me about my mistake and let others handle it. One reason I heard of why people do this is: Menjaga hati ku. Taking care of my feelings? Really? Doesn't that make me, I don't know, blur? How can I know I make a mistake when I'm not being told I make a mistake? You think I make mistake on purpose, is it?
Mistake is a mistake. It happened and I wouldn't know I make them until someone tell me that I make them.
and here's number ten: and then you made it seems like I'm too sensitive?
eleven: and you have the audacity to call me "defensive" ?
twelve: YOU GUYS STILL WONDER WHY I'M FUCKING ANGRY?!

3. My retaliation

in case you don't what it means:

as mentioned, I prefer to stay 'diam' when I'm mad/pissed/angry.
and I can already hear you readers thinking "lurus bah, cAz ani yg sensitive, inda dapat ketaguran".
True. maybe I am.
but read this next line properly.
Every body has a different way of handling a situation.
My way just happened to be: Marah dalam diam.
Why? because you love to point out my mistake in a meeting.
Wanna know how I feel about that? Humiliated.
and wanna know how I deal with that? Marah dalam diam.

Ok, you may say that it's all in my head, too sensitive to "teguran".
but wouldn't you be?
Other people buat mistake but they are being "console" in private.

Why I'm being "console" in a meeting?

Of course I retaliate. in Silent.
coz I know my silent kills them softly inside. MUAHAHAHAH

and I'm the bad person for reacting that way to them after what they did to me?

I'm giving back what you have given me and you still say I'm the bad person here?

Really?

4. Self-reflect

with all my anger and retaliation mentioned,
here comes my self-reflect.
I maybe angry becoz of the way you convey your message to me
but
as I let my thoughts run, I always go back to being that "snapped out of it" person and accepted my faults.
this part of this post isn't trying to show or to tell you that I'm good.
but to show you that Anger is not my core. it's not my whole entire being.
Anger is a feeling I have, arises by the situation that I'm in.
(Kindly watch Disney's Inside Out to understand that kind of shit)
anyway,
as I was saying,
After I let my thoughts run its course, I usually let go of my anger (towards people) and accepted that I made the mistake.
because that's the truth, I made a mistake.
by accepting that, I can now focus on improving myself from making that same mistake again
that is all.

5. My conscience.

or should I say My GUILT Conscience.

here's the meaning if you don't know:

Every time I do something bad or did a mean clapback, I always feel guilty about it afterwards.
I would want to apologize and I probably should~
but my ego said, "No, they deserve it. Sampai bila kan diam saja when they suka hati buat cematu? Ingat robot? Ingat nada perasaan? I am human"
and I believe that my ego is right.
Sometimes my guilt will eat my insides for days
but my ego.
my ego.
I refused to apologize when I finally made a clapback to the people who did me wrong for so many times before.
I will stand my ground and say you deserve what you've got.
and again, when this happened, I will be seen as the bad person. but read point no. 3 for another cycle of why I'm giving you back what you asked for.

6. My Ground. or Aku ada pendirian.

This point kinda the very reason that triggers me to make this post.

I found out very recently that I'm being dubbed as a bad influence to a certain human being.

*tarik nafas panjang2 and release. and remain fucking calm for this*

I have two of my mom's advices that I wana share here;
a. "Jangan luan pemarah~ nada urang suka~"
b. "You have a choice"
I should have put advice (a) in point no. 2 LOL!
but advice (b) is on another level; it was not said to me in English, nor was it said to me in Malay in that way.
Story time!
Not really.
When I was young, whenever I did something wrong and at that time was with a cousin or a friend, my mom would head on scolded me and me alone. I don't remember the exact scolding but what I take from it (and to this day) is, "you have a choice". If someone tag you along to do something and you know you shouldn't be doing them, but still do it anyway becoz someone told you to, then, to my mom, you are to blame.
because
You have a choice.
End of Story.
sorta.

back to the present.
I was told that I'm a bad influence to someone.
let's give this someone a name, Joy.

Hmmm..
how should I put this? I can't just put out a story half way. you might agree that I AM a bad influence.
I also can't put out the entire work story coz I will be damned.
but wait, didn't I already do that in point no.2? ┏(＾0＾)┛┗(＾0＾) ┓
hmmmm..
to be honest, at this point, I'm so tired. Mentally tired. coz malas ku kan pikir lagi. but I promised I posted something yesterday and now it's the day after. I need to commit to this. and walk my talk.

Let's not go back too long in the past and let's keep the circle within my unit.
but I've been quite the loner for years.
coz I'm the type yang wouldn't even try and be "friendly" with people yang I know talk shit behind my back.
and for so long too, I have set my mind into keeping the "relationship" strictly business.
coz if I don't keep it strictly business, I will make it personal and no one wants that.
So,
Joy used to be a duo but now they fall out.
They used to be the super duo who love to talk shit behind my back.
After the fall out, Joy started hanging out with me and other friends from a another unit after work; like, watch movies and eat out.
and I should mentioned that in at least half of these outing, Joy had been telling me about her struggle; emotionally and mentally. Of course, aku kesian. I've been there too. So, I listened.
I also gave her work advice; "jangan tah ingau apa ya buat atu. Keraja tetap keraja. We still need to communicate with one another. yg penting keraja siap".

but some people see this 'blossoming friendship' differently.

You see, Joy used to be this cheerful person and talkative.
but after the fall out, she kept to herself.
So instead of seeing her 'professionalism' for not mixing personal emotions with work, she was dubbed as sensitive and defensive, and temper-mental.
Sounds familiar?
She was even told straight out that she was acting like me.
◔_◔
which to me, is basically saying, I'm a bad influence to Joy.
like
╭∩╮（︶︿︶）╭∩╮

a. she's always had a temper. even from the moment she joined us. and you know that.
b. PLEASE TAKE NOTE! SHE KEPT TO HERSELF EVEN BEFORE SHE STARTED TO HANG OUT WITH ME AGAIN!
c. if ia yg terikut-ikutan aku, that's not my problem.

you know why it's not my problem? coz
d. I didn't go out of my way to 'recruit' her
e. make her sensitive, defensive, and temper-mental.
f. She comes to me, ok?
AND
My advice is clear; don't worry about personal things during working hours. Focus on your work. If other people continue to act like crap, then let them. there's only 8 hours of working. it doesn't really matter. it's just a day's work.
If Joy chose to follow my "bad" behavior instead of the good one, that is not my problem.
because she has a choice.

wanna know why this point is titled My Ground?
becoz I know where I stand.
and I will fight for what is right. you can say whatever you want about me but the Truth Will Out.
I know when people don't like me and I'm not gonna go around trying my hardest to convince them to like me.
I don't let other people to manipulate my mind. Cukup tah people manipulate my words. I don't need them to mess with my mind too.

and my advice to Joy would be to find her own ground and stand firm.

7. I have a life.

I have a life outside of work.
I have a life when I'm not with you.
I have a life.
So don't you ever think that I can't live without you.
Work is work.
Life after work, is life after work.
You wanna continue to make me feel like crap during working hours? Dipersilakan.
Just know, the moment I clock out, I have another life to think about.

8. Victim.

this is a short one.
When people acted shit towards me and I happened to get back at them, they acted like they're the victim.
When in reality, they initiate the attacks and I only retaliate.
I was never a rebel without a cause, ok? Put that inside your head.
If you feel like I'm angry with you or acted mean to you, ask yourself, what have you said and what did you do that make me this way.
Stop playing victims.
If you don't know if you can handle the consequences that comes when you create a situation, don't start.

In conclusion:

I understand most of the things that had happened is because of how I reacted to them.
I could be gracious in handling them too.
but yatah tu..
I'm temper-mental.
and too sensitive.
In my defense, I acted accordingly.

(~￣▽￣)~

this doesn't just apply to work-life situation. it also apply to real life situation.
Yes, I have two life; Work-life and Real-Life. Work-life isn't real. You put up a front to deal with that place and when you clock out, you're real life begins.

Ok, ok. working is real, of course. it pays the bill.

but what I meant by that is,
"If you fall in your life, neither your boss nor clients will offer you a helping hand; your family and friends will" - Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam.
or in my words, anything happened outside of work, neither your boss nor colleagues care; my family and friends saja yang care.

. . . .

Thank you so much if you come this far. I told you its a long ass ride.
I really appreciate your time.
Just don't judge me too harshly after this. (∪ ◡ ∪)
There's always two sides of the story and this is mine.

. . .

AJ Awang

Saturday 29 September 2018

9 down, 3 to go

Sunday 2 September 2018

Misconception of Me